Picking House's Brain
by George Stark II
Summary: Season seven spoilers—you have been warned! After certain episodes throughout the series, my take on what might have been going through House's head after the episode. I am a proud Hilson shipper, I believe that House is in love with Wilson.
1. Acceptance

**Summary: **House reflecting, esp. on his feelings toward Wilson. Sort of like pre-preslash. Basically the same as my story "House's Musings" except starting in S2. Recap in case you forgot what happens.

**A/N:** Since I have nothing better to do this month, I'm re-watching every single episode of House. I spent last week watching Season One, and would have started there except the show starts out more about the medicine while we're still learning about the characters, and I think Season Two is a good starting place to delve into House's feelings, what with the return of Stacy and all. I don't know yet whether I'll write a musing for every episode or not, we'll just have to see. But I will write a recap at the top since I know I don't remember anything specific that happened since Mayfield and it's understandable if other people don't either.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own House or any of the characters. If I did, you wouldn't be reading this on fanfiction, you'd be watching it on TV.

**Recap: **Wilson is still married to Julie except the marriage is starting to fall apart, he may or may not be cheating on her. House and Cuddy kind of like each other but they keep their feelings inside because they don't know what they want, they know they shouldn't pursue a relationship so it's just meaningless flirting. Cameron thinks she's in love with House, they went on a date but nothing came of that. Stacy's husband Mark became sick, so she brought him to House to treat. While Mark was dying, House comforted Stacy. Then he fixed Mark. He's recovering. Cuddy offered Stacy a job so she could stay nearby while Mark recovers. Stacy said she'd take the job if it was okay with House. He said sure. Stacy took the job. She admitted to House he was "The One" but he made her feel lonely and Mark doesn't. Wilson thinks House wants Stacy around to try and win her back.

Acceptance

Stacy is back. Except she's not just back as a patient's wife. She's back as Stacy. She's not gonna go away when Mark gets better. She's got a job now. He is getting better, but she's still here. She may be here for a long time. She may be here forever. She and Mark may decide to stay here. Or she may decide...

No, she told me she won't. I make her lonely. But she does love me best. She left. I drove her away, but she left.

She loves me. I love her, but I don't know if I can ever forgive her.

Do I really want her back? Would I take her back if she wanted to?

Yeah, I would. I still love her. If she wanted to leave Mark for me I'd go with it. I think. I'm different with her. I touch her. I can tell her I love her. I let my guard down with her. She knows me. She probably knows me better than anyone. Even Wilson, I think. Yeah, she knows me better than Wilson. She has more time to spend to get to know me, she lived with me. I've known him longer but he doesn't focus on me.

When I was with Stacy I focused on her. Since I'm not anymore, the main person in my life switches over from girlfriend to best friend. But even though he describes his marriage as crap, his wife's still the main person in his life. Or maybe a girlfriend when he gets one of those. It's not me. But that doesn't matter.

Wilson said my agenda is to get back with Stacy. I didn't care if Mark lived or died, but that might have been to clear the way for me, or it might have been just to cause her pain because she causes me pain every waking minute of every day. But that doesn't mean I don't love her.

I don't...lay awake in bed thinking about her, I don't stare at her from across the room. It's not like that. It's just...when I'm with her, arguing back and forth or holding her on the roof...when I'm with her I'm comfortable. Comfortable. I don't feel that way with other people. Maybe Wilson. But it's not the same. She knows me better than him. When she's gone, he's the closest I have to comfort, but with her I'm there. He's frozen yogurt, but she's ice cream.

I can get used to not being with her. When I'm not with her, I forget how much I love her. I guess if you only eat frozen yogurt for five years, you forget what ice cream tastes like. But then when it comes back...you know...it was all just a substitute, but this is the real thing, the thing I really want.

I can't have it, at least not yet. And it's not the same, anyway. I love her but I haven't forgiven what she's done to me. Maybe I will someday but I don't know that.

If there were a way to fix my leg I'd forgive her. If I didn't hurt, if I didn't have to walk with a cane, I'd forgive her. She's worth it, I think, worth forgiving. She's the only person in my life I've ever loved to that extent.

I wonder if I could ever love anyone else the way I loved her.

I think I could love Cuddy, but she'd have to love me back.

That's the difference with Stacy. She loves me back.

It's not that I can't love anyone else the way I love her.

No one else can love me.

Cameron doesn't even count. She's an idiot. It's not me she loves. It's the idea of fixing me. I don't want someone who just wants to fix me. I want someone who loves _me_.

Cuddy...there's something there, but it's not...maybe it could happen someday, maybe we could feel for each other. There's potential there, but that's all it is right now.

There is one person I'm leaving out.

It's stupid. It's not the same. I don't love him _that way_. He's my friend. He was there for me. He cared for me when I was vulnerable. He still cares for me. He's the only one who does when Stacy's not here. That's the only reason.

There's no point in wondering if I could have something with him that I had with Stacy because first of all, the man's straight, and even if he's not completely he'd never face that. And just because I'm not that picky when it comes to the gender of my sexual partners doesn't mean I'm attracted to him. He's my friend. That's all it is.

Well, that would be all it is if we had a normal friendship. Except for the fact that he's my only friend and I'm his only real friend. So we compensate for that a little. Maybe we're closer than normal friends are. But it's still just platonic.

He said I'm planning on getting back with Stacy. I don't see that ending well. That doesn't make it untrue. Of course, there's the issue of her having a husband, but she admitted she loved me more. The One, she called me. But she also said she's lonely with me.

If she was like that before she fucked up my leg, it'd be even worse now. When the pain gets bad sometimes, I'll just lash out at her. She'll wake up in the middle of the night and I won't be next to her because I can't sleep, and she'll be fine at first but gradually she'll start to resent it. And she'll leave again.

And I can go back to eating frozen yogurt.

But if I can get ice cream while it's cold, maybe I should go for it.


	2. Humpty Dumpty

A/N: Not really House/Wilson in this chapter because House is still in denial about his feelings, so this is more House/Cuddy and House/Stacy, but I think it's relevant anyway.

Recap: Cuddy reveals to Cameron that she knew House in college. Cameron and Chase are guessing that they slept together but it hasn't been confirmed. Cuddy and House have been arguing and sort of flirting throughout the episode. In the end, House says Cuddy feels guilty and she's never happy unless things are just right. He says this makes her a good boss and she'll never be happy.

Humpty Dumpty

Nothing's happening with Stacy. I still don't even really know if I want anything to happen. I haven't been alone with her. It makes sense, because if we were alone together something might happen. She doesn't want to be alone with me. She might slip, and she doesn't want that. It's not safe to be alone with me. I might slip.

It's not the same when we're not alone together. Particularly because the third party in the room is usually Cuddy. When I'm in the room with Stacy and Cuddy, the majority of my attention is on Cuddy. I love Stacy when I focus on her. I don't focus on her when Cuddy is there. I focus on Cuddy. We do the thing we do, the arguing and the back and forth. Flirting.

Stacy or Cuddy?

Stacy I know. Stacy I'm comfortable with. Stacy I know I'm capable of loving, and she's capable of loving me. Stacy is also married, and she has left me and rejected me.

Cuddy is my boss. It would only take a little bit of convincing to get her to move past that, though. She got rid of Vogler to save my job, but that wasn't just for me. That was for her, for the whole hospital. She'd rather have a poor democracy than a rich dictatorship, since she can't be the dictator. Maybe she resents me for it a little bit, but at least she stood up for me knowing what was at stake. Not like Wilson, who got all pissy when they threw him off the board for taking my side.

Doesn't matter.

Stacy isn't gonna get jealous from me flirting with Cuddy. A relationship with Stacy would be a relationship of opportunity. Without the opportunity, there's no relationship. So while I wait for the opportunity to arise, there's Cuddy to occupy my time.

She likes me. I know she likes me. But that doesn't mean she wants to start anything with me. She probably thinks she's above that. I'm not serious enough for her.

But that doesn't change the fact that she likes me.

And just because she likes me doesn't mean that she can love me. Could she love me the way Stacy does? Could I love her the way I love Stacy? I knew her first. But Stacy knows me better.

Cuddy probably wouldn't let anything happen, even if I wanted it to. At least not right away. She'd spend some time denying her feelings to me to try and get me to back off, because it's dangerous. That'd be pointless because even if she shows a little bit of serious interest she knows I won't back off, so something would eventually happen. But how eventually? And how would it happen? And do I want it to happen? Especially with Stacy right here, close but just...well, she's out of reach. Cuddy might be out of reach too. And it would be dangerous, trying to find out.

I've gone five years without a relationship. There's no reason for me to want one any more than usual now. Stacy's here, she's stirring up things...I was happier, with her, than any other time in my life. Especially the time right after her, with my leg. Was it the relationship that made me happy, or the fact that it was with her?

But I'm also a drug addict, I'm in constant pain and I haven't forgiven her for that. So maybe I can't be happy at all. Maybe I can be just less miserable. Or maybe I'll be less miserable for awhile until it gets fucked up and I end up even more miserable.


	3. Spin

**A/N:** Just a short chapter about Stacy.

**Recap:** Stacy's been making House's life difficult, he tries to return the favor by making Mark's life difficult. He apologizes for punishing her so long but points out she's been punishing him too. He asks her if she hates him or loves him, she says she hates him and loves him, but Mark she only loves. House says they shouldn't work together, Stacy says she'll get used to it and it will get easier. House breaks into her therapist's office and reads her file.

Spin

She might leave him for me. It could happen eventually. She doesn't want it to happen, she'd feel bad about it, but it might happen. It's different with me. She knows there's something there. She's admitted there's something there. She hopes it will get easier but that doesn't mean it will. But she does know I'm here if she wants me. I can't say no to her. I could use her in my life.

I don't mean I need her. I don't need her. But it couldn't hurt.

Well, yes it could. Eventually. But first it'd be good for awhile. Well, we'd fight, but she'd still be there. And she'd probably leave again. Maybe right away, maybe not.

But she doesn't not want me. We still have that thing. I'm still me and she's still her. We were good together. Neither of us has changed. We'd still be good together. I haven't forgiven her but I could still be with her awhile. Until she starts to hate me again. Until then. I want her, though. If I could be with her, I would. And she knows that. I'll keep reminding her. It's up to her.


	4. Failure to Communicate

**A/N:** This starts out about Stacy but House's train of thought manages to make its way to Wilson before going back to Stacy.

**Recap:** Stacy and House started spending time together, like friends, getting close again. Then Stacy found out House read her file and of course was pissed. So they avoided each other for awhile but then they had to go to Baltimore together for some legal thing. It's winter and snowing so their flight back was grounded and Stacy got them a hotel room. They get inside the hotel room, Stacy admits that she can't stand to be around House for too long but she can't be away for him for too long either. She misses him. They start kissing but get interrupted by the phone, so instead of having sex House spends the night solving his case. The next morning they decide they wouldn't work out.

Failure to Communicate

Well, I wouldn't have gone through with it. I didn't have to take the call. I could have ended the call sooner. If I'd wanted to do it, I would have done it. But I didn't do it. Which means I either don't want to be with her or I don't want to deal with the consequences of being with her.

She and Mark would break up. It would be like it had been before. Except not.

She'd get frustrated with me, and she'd blame me for the end of her marriage. She'll probably still blame me for the end of her marriage. If it does end. They may stay together. They'll be miserable, but they'll think they're less miserable together than they would be apart. Unless it actually does change and they actually do get better.

But that can't happen while I'm here. Because she loves me. The hotel room could happen again, and this time the phone might not ring, and I might not make an excuse.

Maybe she's grateful to me for stopping it. She wanted it. It was all her. She initiated it.

All right, fine, I initiated it with all the flirting. But hey, I do that to everyone. I do that to Wilson and he hasn't come at me yet.

Not that I want him to. Now there's a train wreck waiting to happen.

But it's not like that with him. With him it's not flirting, it's just...talking. That's how we communicate. When I do it to Stacy, it's flirting. When I do it to Cuddy, it's flirting. But it's not with Wilson. Seriously, if he really thought of what I do with him as flirting, he'd freak out.

The great thing about sarcasm is that you can be completely honest and no one can tell. Or you can be partially honest and no one can tell. Or you could be completely kidding and still, no one can tell. A few weeks ago that kid saw us coming out of the apartment. He made an assumption and Wilson, well he didn't stammer, exactly, but when he insisted we weren't together he wasn't casual about it. He didn't treat it like it was an honest mistake anyone could make, he made it awkward. Then of course I sarcastically called him self-loathing.

But seriously, though, if he does have the capacity to be attracted to men, even a little bit, he'd be so deep in denial that it wouldn't make a difference anyway. And even if he is even a little bit bisexual he wouldn't be interested in me. None of the women he's ever been with have been anything like me.

Of course, none of his relationships have ever worked out, but that doesn't mean anything.

Besides, I'm not interested in him that way. And this isn't me being in denial, all right? It's the truth. Aren't I trying to get with Stacy right now? Or Cuddy?

Wilson's marriage is falling apart. If I was interested in him, now would be the perfect time to strike, before he gets married again.

But obviously I'm not striking, I'm not trying to pursue anything with him, because I'm not interested in him as more than...the fucked up relationship we already have. Which includes him paying for my food but doesn't include touching.

My relationship with Stacy includes touching. Sometimes it even includes kissing, even though it probably shouldn't. Maybe I can get it to include sex, even though it probably shouldn't.

We know we shouldn't. But I know she'd allow herself to be seduced. Under the right circumstances. Those circumstances include me wanting to go through with it.

I didn't go through with it last time. That must mean I don't want to. Unless I do.


	5. Need to Know

**A/N:** It's mostly about Stacy, and any comments related to Wilson are friendship, but one day House will start acknowledging that he has feelings for Wilson, and when that day comes I will be there.

**Recap:** Stacy tells House she's leaving and going back home with Mark. House asks her not to. They have sex. Stacy wants it to be an affair, she doesn't want to hurt Mark by him finding out. House wants her to choose. Mark approaches House because he's afraid of losing Stacy. Stacy tells House she chooses him, he tells her to choose Mark because she can be happy with him and she can't be happy with House. She gets upset and packs. Wilson thinks House wants to be miserable.

Need to Know

Why's he mad? This has nothing to do with him. I don't want to be miserable. I'm not that much of an idiot.

So maybe I didn't do it for her. It hurt her. I didn't do it to hurt her either. Maybe I'm just protecting myself.

She hurt me. When I thought she was going to leave me for him, it hurt.

She shouldn't have that power over me. If I let this happen, it will just get worse when she does leave.

I'm the wrong choice. It will take her awhile to realize that, but she will. She'll resent me. He might not take her back. She'll be alone because she won't want to be with me anymore because she won't be able to stand me, and she'll hate me for doing that to her. So she'll hate me and she'll leave me and then it will hurt, and it will hurt worse than it does now because I don't have her so I'm not losing her. Losing her once was enough. I don't want to go through that again.

Maybe a part of me wants her to be happy, but I want her to be happy with me. I'm selfish. If I didn't think she'd eventually leave me, I would want her to choose me over him. I don't give a crap about him.

Part of me thinks she deserves him, I guess, but it's not about her. It's about me. It's a mistake from my end.

Ice cream is good, but when you don't have it anymore the world doesn't end. It's just a dessert. Go eat some cheesecake.

Stacy is not just a dessert. She's a person. She's probably the only person who really loves me. She's probably the only person who really understands me. And I'm fucked up. People don't like me. I'm not like Wilson, who can just find someone else the minute he gets bored with the one he has and fall completely in love. It takes more than that for me. It takes a Stacy.

When Stacy left, it hurt. Like my life didn't already suck enough from the damn infarction. I had to get over her. It was hard. It sucked. I don't need to go through that again. I'm not going to.

I'm different...around her. I treat her differently. My guard is down. I talk openly. I...hug her, for no reason other than to hug her. I don't do that with anyone else.

I don't know why.

Maybe I trust her. But I shouldn't. She hurt me.

And if that's the way I am when I trust someone, then why don't I trust anyone else. Why don't I trust Wilson?

I'm always guarded with him. I never speak openly with him. I never tell him what's on my mind. I never touch him. Forget something gay like hugging, I never touch him. At all.

Mark tried to follow me up a flight of stairs and I had to grab onto him to keep him from falling.

I've had more physical contact with my ex's husband than my own best friend.

Why can't I trust him?

When Stacy left, it hurt, it sucked. But he was there. He helped me through it. But if he left...well I mean he's already not there, he's already married, he can't leave me the way Stacy did because we're not in a relationship the way I was with Stacy. The only way he would leave would be if he moved, which there's no reason to do because he has a life and a job here. So he's not gonna leave but if he did it would suck, and there wouldn't be anyone to get me through it.

But if I did treat him differently, let my guard down around him and trusted him, and then he left, it would suck even more. It would hurt.

And he'd probably freak out enough to leave if I ever did start acting around him like I did with Stacy, even sans touching. We've put up walls. There'd need to be a reason for them to come down. It's not happening.


	6. Safe

**Recap: **Wilson's wife kicked him out because she's having an affair, so he's staying on House's couch. At first House wanted to kick Wilson out for disturbing him in the morning, but after tasting his cooking he changed his mind. He pranked Wilson a few times, wanting Wilson to prank him back, which he finally did by filing through his cane.

Safe

I'm selfish. I mean, I already knew that, but...

Cameron doesn't think I'm selfish. Just because I do pretty much whatever it takes to save patients. But I only do that if it's convenient for me.

It's not that I don't care about other people. I care about Stacy, and Wilson, and Cuddy, and to a lesser extent them. I just care about myself more. I want to get what I want. If what I want happens to benefit someone else, great. If it doesn't, well...like I said, I'm selfish.

I've been messing with Wilson lately. One way to interpret this is that I'm trying to distract him from his divorce so he won't make himself miserable by moping about it. Or it's still me being hung up over Stacy and finding a way to distract myself. Or I'm actually enjoying living with him (if you remove his early morning hair drying sessions from the equation) because life doesn't suck as much when I'm thinking up a way to prank him or carrying it out or watching his face as he figures out what I've done. Or eating his macadamia nut pancakes. Or whatever other food he cooks. Life doesn't suck as much when he's there. So I want him to stay. Indefinitely. Maybe I'm still distracting myself from Stacy a bit. Fine.

But I'm not doing it for Wilson. Maybe it's helping him now, but it's gonna hurt him eventually. At some point he's gonna want to move on. He can't do that from my couch.

If I'd let him get that apartment, he'd have sat in it and moped and whined and mourned, maybe not his marriage so much, but the fact that he can't have a successful marriage. He would have gotten depressed and miserable for awhile until he found some new tail and got over it. Then he'd have gotten over it, found someone else, and convinced himself he's happy. How long could it possibly take?

But I didn't let him get the apartment. I sabotaged his chances of getting the apartment. So he may think I'm helping him now, but I'm not. I'm holding him back. He's gonna leave at some point. Then he'll have to face his problems. It'll take that much longer for him to recover.

But I don't care so much about that. Because right now he's staying with me, and life doesn't suck as much. Why do kids always whine at their parents to have sleepovers? Cause they're fun. This is like one big giant sleepover, except with beer and no parents to tell us we can't stay up late.

Maybe I don't have to deal with my Stacy issues while he's here. Maybe I can never be happy so the closest I'll ever get to that is entertained, and when he's here I'm entertained. It doesn't matter what the reason is. The point is, I don't care that it's not good for him to stay, I'm going to get him to stay as long as I can because that's what I want.

Because I'm selfish.


	7. House vs God

**A/N:** I like this one. We're moving farther away from Stacy and closer to Wilson. House practically stalked him this episode. Sorry they're still kind of short, but I think I make up for it with frequency.

**Recap:** Wilson moved out of House's apartment and in with one of his cancer patients, a woman named Grace, but lied to House and told him he got his own place. House found out and asked about the details of how they got together. House berated him for his need for neediness. Grace decided to go traveling abroad, leaving Wilson homeless again. House casually asks if Wilson is moving back in with him, but Wilson doesn't think it's a good idea. So before they go their separate ways, House makes sure they're "okay."

House vs. God

Something is wrong. With me. I think there's something wrong with me.

I don't do that. I don't check to make sure Wilson and I are "okay." I read him, I figure it out. I don't ask. Why was it so important for me to ensure that he wasn't mad at me or something? He didn't seem mad. Is it just because he didn't want to move back in?

It was pathetic, the way I asked him. So nonchalant, like I was only curious, like it didn't really make a difference to me either way. Yeah, right. I'm sure he saw right through that. Like I don't want him to move back in with me, like I'm indifferent to it. Please. How dumb do I think he is? Yes, all right? I want him to move back in with me. He wasn't looking at me when he said no, and even if he had been he wouldn't have seen anything in my face, but yeah, I'm disappointed.

It was nice, okay? It was nice to...come home at night and someone else would be there. I haven't had that since Stacy.

God, I am pathetic. I lived by myself for almost six years, and even longer than that before Stacy, and now I get a few weeks living with Wilson and all of a sudden I need that again.

I mean, I don't need it. I just...well I'd _prefer_ it. The way I'd _prefer_ constantly having morphine at my disposal, but instead I have to settle for Vicodin. Which is fine, because usually I don't _need _the morphine, but it would be nice.

Sometimes I hate that Wilson's not Stacy. If Wilson were Stacy, I could just tell him this. Yes, I enjoyed it when you were living with me, I want you to come back. And this time not leave. God, even in my head it sounds stupid. But I could say something like that to Stacy. Not to Wilson. He wouldn't believe me if I did. He'd think I had some sort of ulterior motive. Or he'd think I was joking. Or he'd think there was something wrong with me. There probably is.

Why does it make a difference? It's not like I don't see him and talk to him every day. And fine, I let him stay for the food, but I'm perfectly happy with peanut butter and take out. We still hang out and stuff. Besides, now his stupid hair dryer doesn't wake me up at all hours of the morning, his stupid maid doesn't mess up all my stuff, and if I wake up in the middle of the night and want to watch TV, my couch isn't occupied. There's no logical reason for me to want him to move back in. I should be happier with him gone. Why aren't I?

This is stupid. What does it matter, anyway? He's not moving back in. I asked him to and he said no. He'd be happier somewhere else anyway. We both knew this was only temporary. It's a tiny one bedroom apartment. There isn't room for both of us. My couch can't be that comfortable for sleeping. I'm not going to follow that thought any further.

It's quiet. I don't _miss_ him. I just...I'd prefer it if he were here.


	8. Meaning

**A/N:** Sorry for waiting so many episodes between updates. After Wilson moved out there hasn't been much drama between them.

**Recap:** House got shot. They spent an episode with him having hallucinations that he got the ketamine treatment during surgery, which fixed his leg but also gave him hallucinations. He woke up right before surgery, asked for the ketamine treatment, and got it. He spent two months off work regaining the use of his leg. He runs to work and loves it. But then he was skateboarding and his leg hurt for awhile. He asked Wilson for Vicodin, but Wilson refused because he didn't believe (or didn't want to believe) the ketamine was wearing off. House went with it for awhile, but he ended up sneaking into Wilson's office and stealing his prescription pads. Also, House guessed a diagnosis based on no medical evidence, Cuddy refused to let House treat him, but then gave the patient the treatment herself and it worked. Wilson told her not to tell House he was right.

Meaning

I don't want it.

Well, when I hurt I want it.

I don't want to need it.

One time Wilson said that I needed to be miserable because I wouldn't be me if I wasn't. I wouldn't be great, I wouldn't be special, I'd be just the same as any other doctor. What if it's that way with Vicodin?

Great. I can only cure people when I'm high.

And some people wonder why I don't believe in God. I'm a doctor, I save lives. I'm a jerk, but I don't hurt people. But I can't be happy. The other day, I said I was happy. In Cuddy's office, my first day back on the job. I actually described myself as happy. And I really, genuinely was. When I'm running, I'm happy.

But then my mother fucking leg started up again.

It was just for awhile, I know, and it went away. Then I was fine. For awhile.

I'm not gonna stay fine. I'm not gonna stay happy.

If God were real, he's torturing me, tormenting me by dangling this delightful picture of happiness right in front of my nose, allowing me a tiny taste, and then taking it away forever.

So I'm not perfect. Do I really deserve this?

It's like Stacy all over again, except it's different. This isn't a relationship, it's just me, and my leg, it's more personal. And I didn't have Stacy for two months, I had her for one night and I knew that would be it.

I really thought the ketamine would last. I was so sure.

I should have known I'd be wrong. I'm always wrong before I'm right.

And this time I wasn't even right.

I'm not only losing my leg all over again, I'm losing my mind too. I'm losing myself, I'm losing my skill, what makes me me.

And I'm not even sure if it's real.

After Stacy left my leg was hurting like a bitch, higher than usual, and it wasn't going away. I got Cuddy to give me morphine so it'd go away. She did and it did. I was better.

She gave me a placebo.

And it worked.

Which means that the fucking pain wasn't real, it was a conversion disorder, my leg was hurting because I was depressed.

How do I even know it's real now?

The only thing is that I wasn't depressed until after I couldn't fix the patient. While I was still working on it, I was fine. Hell, I was better than fine. I was on top of the world. I could run. I could fly.

Endorphins beat opiates any day.

I was skateboarding when it happened. It was just awhile. After that I could still walk, I could still run, I could go back to that high feeling sans drugs. But it still happened. It has to be real because I wasn't upset about the patient yet. I hadn't figured out if there was anything else wrong with him but I was confident that I would.

But I don't even know if I want the pain to be real or not. If it's not real, that means the ketamine worked, which is a good thing. Except for the fact that I'm still feeling pain.

I guess it doesn't matter. It still hurts.

Wilson didn't believe me. He just dismissed me. He doesn't trust me at all. I'm just an addict to him, I'll always be an addict. I've spent two months getting high from running, which is so much better in so many ways, but he still thinks I want my Vicodin just because I want it. Doesn't he know anything? Doesn't he realize that getting back on Vicodin is the last thing I want?

Does he really think I want my leg to hurt?

But it fucking hurts! I don't want the fucking drugs, I need them! It hurts!

Life would be easier if we were allowed to write prescriptions for ourselves.

He shouldn't find out, but that doesn't mean he won't.

It's his fault. If he would have just written the damn thing for me, I wouldn't have had to do it myself.

He just wants everything to be perfect. If he ignores the problem it will go away. Like he keeps getting married because he thinks life will be better that way, and he keeps staying with them even when life's not better because he thinks it is, and it ends up being them forcing him out, so it's never his fault. If he doesn't write me a prescription, I must not be in pain. As long as he doesn't acknowledge that I'm hurting, I'm not. As long as he can attribute my pain to something else, the ketamine will keep working. Maybe he thinks he's helping. He's not. That's what's frustrating about him is that he's always convinced he has my best interests at heart when he doesn't. He's so stubbornly positive that he's doing the right thing even when all it does is hurt me. At least when I'm wrong, I admit it.

I was wrong about the ketamine.

I always want to be right about everything. But I really, really wish I'd been right about that.


	9. Fools for Love

**A/N:** Yay there's more Wilson going on for me to talk about. I actually really like this one it's fun House fantasizes about life with Wilson while still in complete denial about the fact that he has feelings for him. And even though the episode title was technically about the patients I still find it fitting.

**Recap:** House is back on Vicodin and back with the cane. He saw Wilson talking to a pretty nurse and became obsessed with finding out as much about her as possible. He also met Tritter in the clinic. He acted the way he always does, which Tritter considered rude, so he tripped House on his way out. House responded by taking his temperature anally and then leaving the room with the thermometer still in his butt. Cuddy tried to get him to apologize, which he didn't. So Tritter pulled House over on his way home and arrested him for possession of narcotics.

Fools for Love

The good news is that Wilson isn't dating the blonde nurse. The bad news is that the enemy I made is more powerful than I realized. And that I'm out a hundred bucks. All right, maybe I should have apologized. How was I supposed to know he'd do anything in his power to make my life miserable? Doesn't he have better things to do than stalk me for his petty revenge? This man needs to get a life.

All right, maybe I'm not one to talk. He wasn't flirting any more than usual. Obviously they really were just talking. Maybe some would think it's obsessive that I break into her locker and go through her stuff just because she _might_ be dating Wilson. I like to call it being thorough. It doesn't mean I need to get a life. I have a life. Wilson's my life.

I didn't mean that. I meant...well he makes up the majority of my social life. I also have a work life. And I have a piano. And a PSP. Plenty of things make up my life. Wilson is just...the most prevalent thing in my life.

I think what he said was uncalled for. That I'm not trying to protect him from another bad relationship, I'm trying to prevent him from a good one because then he'll spend time with her and not me.

Why does he have to always be in a relationship anyway? I'm...well I'm not happy, we all know I'm not happy, but I'm content not being in a relationship. Okay not really. I guess I'm not content either. But I don't know that getting laid with the same person over and over again would make me any more content. I'm not actively dating. I'm fine with the fact that no one wakes up next to me in the morning. Why can't he be that way too? He was fine when he was staying with me. Why can't he just...stay with me and we can both be single and not miserable? What's wrong with that? If he wants to get laid, he can use my hookers. Or he could even just seek out the nurses for sex.

No he can't. He'd become emotionally attached. He always becomes emotionally attached. If one of his patients ever gave him a pet rock, he'd become emotionally attached.

So he can use my hookers.

Maybe he can't sleep on my couch forever, so...we can get a bigger place.

Okay, I get it, this is stupid, I'm stopping now.

All right, so now that I'm not gonna think about Wilson, what else is there to think about? Well, I got arrested for having pain medication in my pocket. Apparently that's illegal now. Never mind that I need the Vicodin to function, heaven forbid I operate heavy machinery with it. I should find some other way to get home after work.

If Wilson was still staying with me I could just get rides from him.

Right, not thinking about that. Sorry, forgot.

This guy's got it in for me. He reminds me of Vogler. Remember that dream I had once that I got to tell Vogler he had Stage IV cancer? That was awesome.

Wilson stood up to Vogler for me. He was pissed about it afterwards, though, but he did it. He said his job and me were all he had going for him. Like me. My job and him are all I have going for me.

Why can't he be happy with me?

Stop saying that. It's stupid. I'm acting like I'm in love with him or something. I'm not. When we stayed together, he stayed on my couch. That's how it would be. Nothing more. But he needs more than a couch, he needs an actual bed. There is only one bed in my apartment, occupied by me. Ergo, we cannot logically stay together for any extended amount of time. Period.

Besides, what would he use to have sex with nurses on?


	10. Son of Coma Guy

**A/N:** Most of you probably remember what eventually happens with Tritter. I don't. I have seen season three before, but I could not tell you what happens. So everything I write is just based on what has already happened, completely uninfluenced by the future.

**Recap:** Tritter is investigating House. He found like 30 bottles of Vicodin in his place, and some of the prescriptions House showed were the ones he stole from Wilson and forged. Tritter confronted Wilson about it, Wilson lied that he sometimes signs his name differently. Wilson yelled at House about having to lie to the police for him and accused him of trying to push their friendship until it breaks because it's just a social experiment to prove that everyone's love is conditional and everyone will leave eventually. Later House says he doesn't want to push it till it breaks. Tritter is now also investigating Wilson. He froze Wilson's bank accounts.

Son of Coma Guy

If I'd known he'd try and take Wilson away from me, I wouldn't have stuck a thermometer up his ass. I would have apologized.

The problem with trying to find out where the line is that you can't know until you cross it, and then when you do you're fucked. You can't go back. The line is already crossed. If things go back to normal after you cross the line then it's not The Line.

I don't want to cross The Line with Wilson. We both know he's all I got. It's nice to know he'll lie to cops for me. I'd do it for him. But how far will it go before he decides I'm not worth it?

The problem is I don't have fucking control over it anymore. I'm not tiptoeing in the dark, looking for the line, I pushed a boulder down a hill and if the line is drawn before the momentum wears out I'm fucked. And I can't even stop the damn thing now.

How was I supposed to know it would go this far?

They shouldn't fuck with Wilson. He hasn't done anything wrong. I'm the one who messed with the cop, not him. Wilson's getting punished for what I did. It's gonna go too far. They're going to take too much from him. He's gonna hate me.

I don't want to be right. I don't want him to only love me if I'm a good little boy who doesn't rope him into trouble with the cops. I don't want him to love me only if I never need to borrow more than $5,000 from him. I don't want him to love me only if he never needs to bail me out of jail. I don't want him to love me only if I don't cost him his job and his possessions and his privacy. I want to be worth more than that.

I mean, I know I'm not. No one could love me that much. Even I don't love me that much. But is it so bad to want it?

There are songs and movies that say you can't love someone unless you love yourself. That's the biggest load of bullshit in the world. Maybe you can't be in a functional relationship unless you love yourself, but you can love someone even if you don't love yourself. You can love someone more than yourself. Aren't parents supposed to love their kids more than themselves anyway? Obviously Vegetative State Guy loved his son more than himself.

I don't think I could donate my heart to a kid if I had one. But maybe that's only because I don't have kids. Maybe if I did have a kid I'd give it my heart.

I'd donate my heart to Wilson if he needed it, if we were a match.

Wilson thinks I don't believe in unconditional love. He's probably right. There's probably something he could do that would piss me off so much I wouldn't love him anymore. Maybe if he fucked up my other leg.

No. I still love Stacy, even if I haven't completely forgiven her, I still love her. I'd still love Wilson even if he fucked up my other leg.

I don't know what he could do to make me not love him anymore, but there's probably something. I probably have a line somewhere too. I just don't know where it is. It's probably really far away. I forgive him for a lot. I forgave him for not telling me I was right about that patient. I forgave him for not believing me when I needed Vicodin. I forgave him for moving out. I forgave him for choosing dinner with Stacy over a monster truck night with me.

He's an idiot sometimes. I forgive him for that too. It's weird that he actually thinks I'd rather be right about the way people operate than have him as a friend. Like there's actually something more important to me than...

It's not saccharine. It's just a fact. He's...what's most important. It doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it doesn't mean I doodle his name in the margins of my patient charts, it doesn't mean I listen to "Wind Beneath My Wings" and think, _that's us!_ and then cry. It's just the way it is.

I don't think I'm the most important thing in his life. His job, at least, probably comes first. And he's not married right now, but when he is, that comes first. And when I thought he was dating that nurse, I mean, so I was snooping, I just wanted to know exactly what it was I was competing with. Well, not competing, it's not like that, I don't want to be with him that way. I don't want to sleep with him.

I think that while he was staying with me I was under the illusion that he put me first. He probably didn't, but I think that at the time I thought he did. I liked thinking that. He won't ever put me first, I think. He may believe in unconditional love, but he doesn't practice it. At least not with me.

**A/N:** I ended up really liking this chapter. I hope you did too. And also, I challenge anyone who ships Hilson to listen to "Wind Beneath My Wings" thinking about House and Wilson and not cry. Or maybe I'm just extra emotional today, who knows?


	11. WhacAMole

**A/N:** I don't like when they fight.

**Recap:** Tritter had Wilson's car towed. His phone is in his car. He's been suspended from writing prescriptions. Wilson used Cameron to write prescriptions for him, but at one point House refused to let her leave in the middle of a differential. House went into Wilson's office. They got into a fight. Wilson blamed House for everything and implied he didn't even care what he was doing and didn't even really feel guilty. House's shoulder had been hurting and Wilson said it was just another conversion disorder, feeling guilty for what happened, but he doesn't feel it the way normal people do. House acted like he didn't do anything wrong.

Whac-A-Mole

He hates me. I don't want him to hate me, but would saying anything really have made a difference?

It sucks that Tritter's screwing with him, but I can't do anything about it. I'm not going to go to jail just because I'm in pain.

Even if I had apologized, he wouldn't have believed me or he wouldn't have cared.

Maybe he should just tell the truth.

Would I hate him if he told the truth? If I ended up in jail because of it?

I wouldn't hate him. I'd be disappointed. I'd feel betrayed.

But I wouldn't hate him.

He hates me right now. He might get over it, but right now he hates me.

I kind of hate me too. Not nearly as much as I hate Tritter, but a little bit.

The only thing I did was forge a damn prescription. And I needed it.

I hate that Wilson's getting blamed for it.

If Wilson leaves,

Wilson's not gonna leave. Wilson can't leave.

This has to get fixed.

I don't know how to fix it.

Wilson can't leave.

He hates me right now, but he'll get over it. He has to get over it.

He's doing this for me. He could have told Tritter the truth. He didn't. He has to care.

He hates me. Why's he even friends with me? I know it benefits him too, but he doesn't need me. He needs to be needed, but there's plenty of other people to need him. It doesn't have to be me. And he doesn't want to give up everything in his life to be needed.

I hate Tritter.

This has to stop. I want Wilson back. I want him to not hate me.

Why do I act like I don't care?

It's because I don't want him to blame me. It's not even really my fault. If he'd written me the damn prescription when I'd asked him for it, this wouldn't have happened. If Tritter hadn't quit smoking, this wouldn't have happened. If Cuddy hadn't forced me into clinic duty, this wouldn't have happened.

If I apologized, he'd probably still hate me. An apology won't give him his car back. I could have offered him a ride, but not only would he not want to look gay on the back of my bike, he doesn't want to be around me tonight. Because he hates me. Because I fucked his life up and I don't even want to admit it's my fault. Seriously, what was I supposed to do? I'm in pain. I need the pills.

I need them.

Why doesn't anyone get that?


	12. Merry Little Christmas

**A/N**: I don't like the depressing-ness, but this season has a lot more House/Wilson relations to go on than season two, and I like that.

**Recap:** Wilson told Tritter he didn't write the scrips, Tritter offered a deal to House that if he pleaded guilty he could just go to rehab for two months not jail. Cuddy cut House off Vicodin to get him to take the deal. House went into withdrawal and cut himself, but still diagnosed the patient. Wilson told Tritter he couldn't testify because the lives House saves outweigh his problems. House picked up a prescription for one of Wilson's patients after the patient died, pretending to be him. He ODed and got drunk, Wilson found him, saw he was conscious, saw whose pills they were, and left. House went to Tritter, said he'd take the deal, but Tritter knew about the pills and said it was too late.

Merry Little Christmas

He really thinks he's doing the right thing. He thinks he wants to help me. I didn't want him to leave, but I wouldn't have gone to Tritter if he'd stayed.

It doesn't matter anymore, but I did it for him.

He was disgusted with me.

I don't want him to look at me that way.

He came.

It doesn't mean he cares, it just means he'd feel guilty if something happened. He still kind of hates me.

I fucked up. I stole a dead guy's pills. Tritter found out.

I need the pills, I'm dependent on them, but it's because of them I fucked up.

I really do hate them.

I mean I love them, don't get me wrong. I love the way it feels when I start to feel them, when it kicks in just enough so I can focus, when I know it's time for another and they're there in the bottle, and I can grab it and it slides down my throat. I love them.

But I also hate them.

He hates them too. He hates me because of them. But he loves them too, I think. They're an excuse.

I think he thinks that I'd be different off the pills. Less nasty, less rude. I wouldn't. He loves the pills because he can attribute my behavior to them. When I piss him off, he can tell himself it's not me, it's the pills.

Well I've got news for you, Doctor Wilson, it is me. Get used to it.

I think he hates them more than he loves them though. So he wants me off them. Well, that and he got his life back once he made the deal.

I was right. I wasn't worth it. I mean, I knew that. I didn't really expect him to put me before his livelihood. I wouldn't put me above my livelihood.

It sucks, but I didn't expect anything more.

I wanted to. I wanted to trust him, to really think that he wouldn't rat me out.

Maybe he did the right thing. I know he thinks he did. I know he thinks he's helping me. He thinks that he knows what's best for me, wants what's best for me.

He thinks he cares about me. He hates me, but he doesn't even know he hates me.

He left tonight. He saw me lying on the floor surrounded by puke, and he just threw the empty bottle at me and left. And part of him did it because he hates me and he's pissed off at me, but the other part of him thought it was best for me. To stop enabling me.

He wanted to spend time with me, earlier. Before I ODed. He wanted to be with me on Christmas. Or Christmas Eve, or whatever. But all that would have happened is he'd try to talk me into taking the deal. We'd have a fight again and he'd leave. He didn't actually just want to hang out with me. We wouldn't have been able to just eat Chinese food and watch The L Word on mute, we would have had to talk about the stupid deal.

So no, Wilson, I don't want you to come over just to yell at me.

He was worried. When he saw me on the floor, he was worried. But just for a second. I was conscious, I was fine, and he wasn't worried anymore, just mad.

It's probably just because he'd blame himself if I died, and he doesn't want that burden.


	13. Words and Deeds

**A/N:** This one is short but I've been updating a lot lately so no complaining.

**Recap: **House pleaded Not Guilty to the charges. He apologized to Tritter, but Tritter does't want to hear words, he wants to see actions. House checked himself into the hospital rehab. Wilson and Cuddy aren't sure whether or not to believe him. Wilson comes to visit him, but he doesn't want to hear anything, Wilson calls him a coward, says he finds faults in other people so he doesn't have to look at himself. Tritter came to see House but said he still wouldn't talk to the DA. Wilson came to visit again, and House apologized for blaming him. House went to his hearing, where Cuddy said she put placebos in the dead guy's pill bottle. After the case was dismissed, she admitted she lied. The rehab guy has been giving House Vicodin instead of the medication he's supposed to be getting. Wilson started to get mad until he realized that meant House actually meant his apology.

Words and Deeds

It worked. It was the only way to get him to believe I meant it, and it worked. If I'd said it in any other context, he would have dismissed it. But not only does he know I meant it, I also had an excuse for saying it. All part of therapy. I needed an excuse. I don't just apologize to him. That's not how we work. We put up with each other. We don't apologize. If one of us screws over the other one, he gets over it.

But this was something big. He wanted an apology.

No. He didn't want me to say I was sorry. He wanted me to be sorry.

Parents are idiots. Any time a kid does what he wants instead of following the rules and it hurts someone, the parent tells him to say he's sorry. And because he knows mom will yell at him if he doesn't, he just says it. He's not sorry he took his sister's toy or pushed his brother in the mud. What does he care? He says it to get mom off his back, not because he means it. It's a waste of time. It doesn't make anyone feel better.

Tritter knows that. And as much as I hate his guts, there's a part of me that kind of respects that. I don't respect him or anything. I still hate him, I still think he's the scum of the earth, but at least he knows that the words "I'm sorry" don't have any meaning. It would have been more convenient if he was like everyone else and just took it at face value, but at least it worked out okay.

Wilson doesn't hate me anymore, not just because I said I was wrong, but because I meant it. So it's a good thing I'm not really off Vicodin. It wouldn't have meant as much if I'd only been doing it because I wanted to go through the motions of fixing myself.

And I need the pills. The other stuff doesn't do anything. When I'm off the pills, I screw up with the patients and I yell at people even when they don't deserve it. When I'm on the pills, I fix patients and I only yell at people when they deserve it or when they can learn from the experience. The world is a better place when I'm on the pills. I only contribute to society in a positive way when I'm doped up.


	14. Insensitive

**A/N:** This really turned into something that has nothing to do with the episode. It starts out on thoughts from the episode and then goes off on a tangent. Some Cuddy and some Wilson.

**Recap:** It's Valentine's Day. Cuddy has a blind date, House interrupts it twice, the second time she guesses he likes her, but the date hears and decides to leave because he thinks she likes House back. When House is done stalking Cuddy, he stalks Wilson, has his patient epiphany while stealing Wilson's food, and then after the patient is cured they get breakfast together. On Valentine's Day.

Insensitive

So Cuddy thinks I like her. And she was so proud of herself for figuring that out. Come on, I flirt with her all the time. We have fun. I pay attention to her. I only pay attention to people if I want something from them. With patients, I ignore them until I need information, and then I'll go pay attention. With her, well usually I want something like clearance to do a medical procedure. Or my parking space back. Or sex. The first two usually work out for me. The last one, not so much. But if I keep trying, maybe one day she'll give it to me. I mean, part of her wants me. She wants to trust me. I'm the only one she told about her baby wishes. She really wants my baby. She'd never admit it, probably not even to herself, but she does. Seriously, who wouldn't want my baby? My beautiful blue eyes and my brilliance and wit combined with Cuddy's ass and cleavage-we'd make super-babies. Future world leaders and cheerleaders. You know, assuming the thing doesn't inherit my whole being an asshole thing.

Wilson should have my baby. His fundamental need to care about everything and my fundamental need to not care about everything would balance each other out. It'd be normal, as far as that part went. But it'd still be smart and good looking. Even if it ended up hard wired to blow dry its hair, I'd teach it not to. I'd teach it to hide Mommy's hair dryer. And his ties. But it would also inherit his cooking ability. Macadamia nut pancake recipe, passed down from father to son, not through teaching, but through genes. He'll be a panty peeler like Wilson, with irresistible charm, but he won't feel the need to be a serial marrier. Maybe he'll get married once. Maybe. I mean, if me and Wilson had a baby, he wouldn't want it to be a bastard.

But if Cuddy had my baby, we wouldn't get married. I mean, I'd need to propose to her, and I wouldn't do that. I never did it to Stacy, and I really loved her. I don't think I could love Cuddy more than I loved Stacy. Maybe I could love her the same. Not more. Maybe we'll end up together, if she figure out she loves me, but we won't get married. It's got nothing to do with love. I'm just not the marrying kind.

Not like Wilson. He's the marrying kind. He's also the cheating kind, but it's only because he can fall in love with anything and if he falls in love with it he has to fuck it. He falls in love, but he doesn't stay in love. He thinks if he marries it he won't fall out of love with it, and he'll never fall in love with anyone else. He's an idiot that way. If we fell in love he'd probably want to marry me. It's what he does. I wouldn't want to, at first, but eventually I'd cave. I'd want the illusion it gives, his forever, not just until something else that knows how to make a sad face comes along. You know, hypothetically. If he were somewhat gay and not in complete denial of it. And if I were in love with him. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. I want to be most important, but that doesn't mean I want to do him. I mean, if we just like met in a gay bar or something, if he wasn't my best friend, I'd do him. He's attractive, I acknowledge that. But he's my best friend. I don't usually do guys, anyway. I've never pursued a relationship with one. If I wanted a relationship right now, it would be with Cuddy.

I don't know if I could be happy with her, but I could try.

I think I'd still put Wilson first, though. It doesn't make sense, because he only puts me first on his people list when he's single, but even if I fell in love with Cuddy, I don't think I could love her more than him. That's pretty stupid. In love feelings should be stronger than platonic love feelings, right? I could be in love with Cuddy. I'm not in love with Wilson. But he'd come first.


	15. Top Secret

**A/N:** This chapter is about Cuddy. It's really interesting to read with the season six finale in mind, even though we're awhile away from that. Hopefully they'll let me get back to Wilson soon, but they're doing a Cuddy thing now and it's all I have to work with.

**Recap:** House had a dream he was in the marines with a few other people, he wakes up and Cuddy hands him a case with one of the guys from his dream. He spends the episode trying to remember how he knows the guy. It ends up being because the patient once made out with Cuddy. Cuddy tells House to get over her, but she's really all flattered and pleased.

Top Secret

She likes me. She really likes me. She wouldn't sleep with me, but when she thought I had brain cancer she let me grab her ass. She wants me.

She doesn't want to be with me. That'd be too complicated. It wouldn't work.

But she likes this flirting thing we do. She tells me not to stare at her ass, but she grins as she says it because she knows she loves it. The woman wants me. She loves the attention I give her. She loves that I want her. She loves that I say inappropriate things to her. She pretends to put up with it, pretends she hates it, but we all know she doesn't.

But she has to pretend, because it can't go farther. I can make lewd comments and I can rake my eyes over her body without pretending to hide it from anyone. I can even touch her if the situation calls for it. But nothing between us can actually happen. It's not because of the boss thing, even though for her that's probably part of it, it's just...it's a bad idea, us in a relationship.

It wouldn't last. We'd fight all the time. We'd end up hating each other. She'd grow to resent me. She won't be able to trust her judgement on allowing me to do medical procedures, and she'd resent that. The board would harass her for whatever she does let me get away with, and she'd resent that. She'd get sick of me using Vicodin all the time, and we'll fight about that. We'll be seeing each other at work and at home, and we'll get sick of each other. The sex would be awesome, and I'd get whatever I wanted for awhile, but it would have a shitty ending. Then the boss thing would be a problem. She'd fire me. Or quit. We wouldn't be able to work together. There are times now when we can barely stand each other, but it's nothing. She really does enjoy having to deal with me, even when she's annoyed about it. If we actually allowed this to happen, it wouldn't be that way anymore. She wouldn't just be mad at me because I want to do a dangerous procedure on a patient or because I shine a laser pointer on her boobs when she's meeting with donors. It'd be personal. Right now she loves to hate me. If we start something, we'll break up, and if we break up, she'll hate me hate me. Cuddy is...Cuddy. She's not Stacy. We wouldn't even get close to five years. I'm thinking eight months. September, October, November, December, January, February, March, April. That's it. Two months of happiness, fun, and wild sex, two months of a lot of sex but some fighting, two months of more fighting and intermittent sex, and two months of slamming doors, her crying and me spending nights at Wilson's. Then nothing.

So maybe this is fun, but that's all it is. Nothing. That's all it can ever be. Which kind of sucks.


	16. House Training

**A/N:** I enjoyed writing this one. I really liked the whole Bonnie/House scene in the condo. And the sex part was really funny because he really was in another world when she was talking about that.

**Recap:** Wilson took Cuddy to a play, but it wasn't a date. House sent Wilson flowers pretending they were from Cuddy so Wilson would think it was a date, but Wilson figured it out before he did anything about it. Then he asked Cuddy to a museum, and she said yes. House asked her to a play. She said no, because having Wilson as a friend is safer than having House as a friend. House interrogated Wilson's second ex wife about the process of dating Wilson. She said it started out as friendship, the emotional connection got her hooked, and the awesome sex was just a perk. House got a little distracted at that point. Wilson went out with Cuddy to the museum, where he inadvertently called the experience a date, then corrected himself. She thought it was cute.

**Note:** In this episode, House says to Bonnie, "I'm not Wilson, I'm not gonna buy a condo just to make you feel better," which is amusing because that's exactly what Wilson does in 6.9, "Wilson," he buys a condo to make House feel better. Foreshadowing much?

House Training

I think I'm in love with Cuddy.

I mean, I'm not in love with Cuddy. I do like her. And I do want to sleep with her. But I also don't want Wilson to sleep with her.

I mean, I do want Wilson to sleep with her. Because I don't want him to marry her. Because Bonnie said if it had just been sex she wouldn't have had a problem with it, so they should have sex and get sex out of the way so nothing real can happen between them.

I don't want to marry her. I shouldn't care if she gets married. But I do.

Unless I just don't want her to get married to Wilson.

Why would Wilson marry her? She's not that needy. She's desperate, but not needy. She's attractive and successful. She's lonely, but she could find someone else.

I don't want to be with her.

I mean, I do want to be with her, in the biblical sense, but I don't want the inevitable explosion that a relationship would produce. But I don't want Wilson to be with her either.

She's my friend. He's my friend. I'm his best friend. As long as he's not dating anyone, he puts me first. She won't admit it, but she likes me. She has a soft spot for me. A part of her, not all of her, but a part of her, will put me first. They get together, they just put each other first, I get pushed off to the side.

She dates someone, I need to investigate, poke around, make sure he can handle me, but ultimately, I'm fine with it.

He dates someone, I need to investigate, poke around, make sure she can handle me, but ultimately, I'm fine with it.

Them dating each other, I'm not fine with.

They date each other, I lose both of them.

Could he really fall in love with Cuddy? I guess it doesn't matter, if she falls in love with him that's probably all he needs.

It'd be nice if it worked that way with me. If I ever fell in love with him. Which I won't.

It was just a moment. It passed. It was Bonnie's fault. She's a lousy realtor, but not a bad story teller. She used second person. "Once _you're_ the focus of all that attention," "It's the emotional stuff that really sucks _you_ in," "Always there to support _you_," "_You're _hooked." So...maybe I daydreamed a bit. It was her fault. She was describing the process and putting me in the center of it. That's what happens when someone uses second person, they use the word "you," so you put yourself in the situation. It's a storytelling mechanism. And...maybe it worked. At least she was too dumb to notice that after she described the sex and then went back to the oven I was way too lost to have any idea what she was talking about.

James...Wilson, right, Wilson. She called him James, so my brain was still...anyway, _Wilson_ is my friend, when we go out it's as friends, and he means it that way. So these last fifteen years have just been foreplay?

It's different. I'm a guy, first of all, and he doesn't do guys because even if he is a little curious, he'd never let it get that far. And she said she jumped him, and I'm never doing that so nothing's ever going to happen. Oh, and there's also the fact that despite my making an emotional connection over the last fifteen years, it has not amounted to a romantic emotional connection.

I think I'm in love with Cuddy. I don't want_ her _making an emotional connection with Wilson, because then she'll forget about me.

Nothing is going to happen between us. But I like what we have. If she marries Wilson, I'll lose that. When I flirt with her, she'll get mad. Or Wilson will get mad. And then Wilson will hate me again. Everything is worse when Wilson hates me.

So...they can't get married. So they have to not date. And I have to stop talking to Bonnie.

It was kind of nice to know, though, that when they were married she thought he put me first. I mean, it's not true. He always puts the wife first. But obviously I rank close enough to the top for her to not like it. It's somewhat comforting. Not enough for me, maybe, but comforting.


	17. Human Error

A/N: Sorry for calling Amber a bimbo. It's not an insult to her memory because first of all House hasn't met her yet, and second of all she hasn't died yet. But I do kind of feel bad. I can't hate her because Wilson loved her. And because it's mean to hate a dead person unless they're evil. She's not evil. And Wilson loved her.

Recap: Foreman resigns because he doesn't want to be like House. House doesn't want him to leave but won't admit it. Wilson tells House he's bad with change. House has been letting Foreman do pretty much whatever he wants but hasn't tried to talk him out of leaving. Chase is irritated with House's approach to trying to get Foreman to stay, he yells at House, and House fires him for no reason. Foreman's about to leave, House tells him he wants him to stay because he needs him, but Foreman doesn't want to stay, they get into an argument and Foreman leaves. Cameron leaves too, and House orders a new guitar to prove he's not afraid of change.

Human Error

It's not a fear. It's a dislike. And it's a perfectly rational dislike. I only have a problem with change when things are working fine the way they are. I buy new canes all the time, because the old ones break or suck. I don't want a new team because the old one was just fine. If I hire a new team, they might do a suckier job. I guess it's possible they might do a better job, but not likely. In the last three years I've only lost a handful of patients. More often, I've come to the brink of losing patients, and any less worthy team would have lost them, but my team and I saved them. Usually I'm the one who figures it out at the last second, but not always. They help me think. And they're balanced. We work together, the cases get solved.

Change is an untested medication. You know what it's supposed to do, but you don't know what it will do. I like drugs. I like to get high. But I'm not stupid. I'm not gonna take something if I don't know what it does. Getting high won't be worth it if my lungs collapse or my penis falls off. So I stick with Vicodin, morphine if I need it, and Oxycodone if I can get it. Because I know it works and I know the side effects. But if new treatment came out and I knew the risks and benefits and decided it was worth it, then yeah, I would go for it.

If another doctor applied for the fellowship and I knew about them and how they worked, how they thought, and decided I could use them, I would hire them. It's not the change itself that bothers me. It's when I don't know what the change is gonna be. Which is rational. I like to know what's going on. Knowing is always better than not knowing. Not knowing is when problems arise. Like patients getting sicker.

Wilson doesn't have the right to say I'm bad with change. He's living in a hotel, for god's sake. And when he moves out of the hotel and in with the next bimbo who comes along, it won't even be a change for him. It will be history repeating itself. It will be the same thing he always does, because that's what he's comfortable with. He's way more afraid of change than I am. He doesn't even get divorced when he knows his marriages go to hell. His wives have to do it for him. He'd have stayed with Julie till the end of time if she'd let him. He'd have stayed with Cancer Girl till she died, and then he'd probably live out the rest of his life in her apartment. He doesn't like change any more than I do.

But I guess that wasn't the point of the conversation. He doesn't need to tell me who I am. He just wanted to convince me I'm better than Foreman thinks I am. What, Wilson, you see something in me that no one else does? Give me a break. You get just as frustrated with me as everyone else does. Probably more so. I guess you haven't left, but neither has Cuddy for that matter. Does she think I'm better than Foreman does? She just likes me because I tell her her legs look pretty in the dark. But she doesn't let it go farther than that. She's a tease, and she doesn't know what she wants. Neither does Cameron. Neither does Foreman, or Chase, or you, Wilson.

I guess neither do I.

I'd prefer it if things stayed the same. But it doesn't matter. They're not. Maybe I'd rather not have things change if it's not necessary, but when they do, I deal with it. The infarction happened, probably the second worst change in my life, but I handled it. Then Stacy left. That was the worst. We were never gonna get married, but I wouldn't have left her. My life changed when she left. But it didn't end. I got used to walking with a gimpy leg, I got used to not being with Stacy. Wilson gets divorced, gets married, gets divorced, and his time with me adjusts accordingly. Changes. I handle it. He comes to stay with me. Except for him waking me up in the morning, that was a pretty quick adjustment. Then he leaves. I got used to that too. I don't like change, but I'm not afraid of it. And I'm not bad with it. If I have a choice, I choose for things not to change. That doesn't make me bad with change. When change happens, it happens.

Que sera, sera.

Even though sometimes it sucks.


	18. 97 Seconds

**A/N:** This is the infamous "I love you," episode. Sorry the recap is so long. Just wanted things to be extra clear. I didn't beta this, I'm exhausted, so if there's errors or if it sucks sorry.

**Recap: **House goes to the clinic. He walks in and the patient pulls out a pocket knife and sticks it in an outlet. When he wakes up later House asks why, he tells him he was in a car crash and technically dead for 97 seconds, and while dead, he saw something more, the best feelings of his life. Later, the main patient would rather die than live in a bed for the rest of his life, House points out that this life is all there is so he should want it to last. Wilson says House has no right say do that because he doesn't know this is all there is. House pages Amber and electrocutes himself. Amber brings him back to life but he doesn't regain consciousness until later. Wilson's there when he wakes up and calls him an idiot. They chat for a minute, Wilson says he'll get more pain meds for House, House says he loves him. Wilson nods but doesn't say anything. Later House implies to the dead patient that he didn't see anything more when he was dead.

97 Seconds

Wilson said I didn't care if I lived or died. Cutthroat Bitch was surprised that I didn't seem to think anyone but her would care enough to save my life and that the only reason she cared was because I couldn't hire her if I were dead. Wilson was worried. He's always worried. I told him I loved him today. Haven't done that before. He didn't really react. It wasn't a confession. I mean, he already knows it. And I know he loves me, most of the time. It was more of a just-making-sure thing. Just in case he doesn't know. Just in case he wondered. He said I didn't care if I lived or died. He wants me alive. Committing suicide is selfish, unless you don't have anyone in the world who loves you. If I had died, it would have hurt him. I would have deliberately hurt him. You don't hurt someone that way if you love them. So maybe he wasn't sure.

I want that to be true. If I die, it hurts him. He doesn't want me to die because then he won't have me in his life anymore. It sounds so narcissistic.

If he killed himself, I'd be mad at him for not considering me first. I'd hate him for it.

He didn't react when I told him I loved him. I didn't pre-plan it or anything, I didn't have expectations, like him saying it back. Why didn't he? If he'd said it under normal circumstances I would have mocked him for it, but I can't because I said it first. Mocking privileges are revoked in such instances.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he doesn't love me. Good enough reason for him not to say it. Or he does love me but he doesn't want to say it just because I said it.

God, I'm obsessing like fourteen year old boy with his first girlfriend. Can't I just move past it? It happened, it's not a big deal, we're never going to talk about it again. And all I said was "I love you." You say that to your mom, to your dog, to the TV when it announces your winning lottery numbers. I didn't say "I'm in love with you." I didn't say "I wanna marry you." It wasn't a confession. It was informing him of something he already knows. No new information. That's why he didn't react. He already knows I love him.

I guess it could have been construed as a thank you. I mean, the man just said he'd give me drugs. What's not to love about that? Except I didn't say it that lightly. I could have said it lightly. But I meant it. He should know me by now. Thank you. It's my excuse, a reason for me to tell him I love him. Because I need that. Because I don't just say it. Because if it had been the dying thing, then I could have said it right away. Or in case I did die, I could have told CB, tell Wilson I love him. Nah, that would have sounded like a confession. It's the way you say it. She's a girl, she would have screwed it up. I mean, better her than Cameron, but still.

He didn't look at me.

I'm doing it again. The obsessing thing. Don't I have something better to obsess about? Why am I making a big deal out of this? I didn't plan on saying it, it just happened. Whatever. It's a fact, it's true, I communicated it. I know the communication was received because he nodded. He glanced at me. Sort of. He didn't look at me.

Maybe he thought it was the medication. I only said it because I was high. I mean, I wasn't that high. Obviously I wasn't high enough because he noticed that I was hurting and ordered me more medication. Leading me to...you know.

I wanted to say it. I had an opportunity. If I hadn't had that opportunity, then when? He needed to know. When we die, we die. I could have died today. I could die tomorrow. And if I do...he knows.

I could still die tomorrow. He hasn't said it to me. I don't know.

I've been wrong before. So I could have been wrong about this. That's why I did it. I don't believe in God. I don't believe in an afterlife. I don't believe that there's anything more than what's here and now. But I've been wrong before. Now I know I'm not.

In some sick, twisted way I did it for Wilson. Wilson's the one who said I shouldn't tell my patient there's no afterlife because I don't know that. So I had to prove him wrong. I had to make sure my statement wasn't a lie.

He still thinks I'm an idiot. That's okay, I guess. He can think what he wants. I guess only I would take him literally about that. That's what makes me an idiot. Assuming people mean what they say. But I don't assume people mean what they say. Wilson didn't mean it, but that didn't make him wrong.

The good news is that he doesn't think I did it just to get drugs. I didn't, but a nice perk though. I get to be right, prove Wilson wrong, and get high all in one day.

Wilson should have said it back. He should have at least looked at me. He didn't misinterpret it as a confession because he'd have freaked out if he had.

But I didn't say it so he'd say it back. I said it so he'd know.

Now he does.


	19. Mirror Mirror

**A/N:** Short chapter about House's role in his relationship with Cuddy and his relationship with Wilson.

**Recap:** This week's patient has mirror syndrome, he takes on the personalities of someone in the room with him because he doesn't know anything about himself. To confirm the diagnoses, House brings him into an O.R. where Wilson's performing a surgery. The patient takes on Wilson's persona. Later House and Wilson have are talking and Wilson says patients with mirror syndrome mimic the person in charge. Wilson takes this to mean he's in charge of the relationship, House argues that he was just the one in charge of the surgery.

Mirror Mirror

He's very pleased with himself. He thinks it's some great accomplishment to have power over me. Maybe he's right. When Cuddy was in the room, he took on me, not her. She does like me. She can fire me, but she never will. She likes having me around. She gets mad at me all the time, but she's never _really_ mad at me. It's more like she pretends to be mad at me. She gets exasperated, but not mad. She punishes me, but it's all a game to her. Well, it's a game to me too, part of it. I play the game to try and get what I want. Even if it doesn't work, at least I have the game. She likes my games. She likes me. I like her too, but either she likes me more, or I have something that she wants.

She must like me more than I like her. In most ways, she is the one in charge. Usually she lets me do whatever I want but sometimes she doesn't. Like firing Foreman. She has the final say in stuff like that. I pushed it but he's still here. And she might get rid of me someday. There's gotta be a line somewhere. I might cross it. Probably not on purpose. I might realize what I'm doing as I'm doing it, but that doesn't mean I'll stop. I might push her to her limit one day.

Wilson wasn't self-satisfied the guy copied him, he was smug but surprised. Apparently he's always thought I was the dominant one. Why would he think that? Just because I'm dominant over other people? I'm not surprised it was him. And I know it wasn't just because he was the one doing the surgery. He said I'd pick up his laundry if he asked me to. That's not true. I wouldn't even do my share of the dishes when he was staying with me. But if I thought our friendship depended on it, I would. If he'd hate me if I didn't, I would. He's in charge, because he's not as attached as me. He can always change his mind, he can always hate me, but I can't. I can't hate him. And I don't want to risk him hating me. So he'll be in charge. And if it came to a point where getting his laundry would be the only way for him to not hate me, then I'd do it. But the roles aren't reversed. He didn't realize that. Or if it occurred to him he wasn't sure about it. Now he is. He knows he can always leave. I can't.


	20. Frozen

**A/N:** I want to know why I get some sick twisted pleasure from House's misery. My favorite chapters are always the ones where he's pining for Wilson but can't have him. There must be something wrong with me.

**Recap:** Wilson does a consult for House, during which House picks up on Wilson being more content than usual. Wilson goes out to lunch with someone and House is interested. He deduces that Wilson has a new girlfriend, someone he knows, but he doesn't know who. House follows Wilson on one of his dates, they sit talking while waiting for her, and it ends up being Amber. They kiss hello while House sits there looking shocked.

Frozen

No way. No fucking way. Cutthroat Bitch? Seriously? She's like...the anti-Wilson. No. She's the opposite of everything he stands for. She's cold. She has no ethics or morals. She'll do anything and everything to get what she wants. She's manipulative. Wilson...Wilson doesn't like people like that. Well except me. Wilson doesn't_ fall in love_ with people like that. He's got me to...well I was gonna say complete him until I realized how gay that sounds, but seriously. He cares about and loves everything. I don't. He cares about morals. I don't. He draws lines. I don't. We balance each other. She'll fuck with that.

If he's got her, what does he need me for?

Okay, I'm overreacting. They haven't even been going out that long, it probably won't last. It can't last. She's...she's nothing like any of the other women Wilson has ever dated.

And it's never lasted with them.

Why her? What can he possibly see in her?

...

...

He's not subconsciously in love with me. That notion is ridiculous. The only reason I think that is because I'm subconsciously in love with him.

No I'm not.

Cutthroat Bitch? Seriously?

This is like something he'd do just to mess with me, only he can't be. I'd fake an entire relationship just to mess with him, but he wouldn't do something that big to mess with me.

What does that say about me?

She...

I don't like her. I don't approve.

Why in the world would he date her? What could possibly possess him to ask her out, of all people?

He knows she's a bitch. One time we were sitting in his office talking about them, and he referred to her as "the bitch." So he knew what he was getting into. Why start? Is he that desperate? Oh, I've gone a whole year without being married to someone. I know! I'll ask out Cutthroat Bitch, the...well, _bitch_ everyone hates because she's a bitch.

He doesn't date bitches. He dates desperate, needy women. She...well she did break down when I fired her. She even cried. But she's not like that. She's confident and assertive and she cares about no one but herself. That's why I paged her when I was gonna electrocute myself. She saved my life to secure a job for herself. If she'd known I'd just fire her six weeks later she'd probably have let me die.

And if I'd known she'd sink her evil little claws into Wilson I'd never have hired her in the first place.

Which is perfectly rational.

Cutthroat Bitch is nothing like any of the women Wilson has ever dated. All of the relationships Wilson has ever had have ended in disaster. His friendship with me has lasted longer than all his other serious relationships combined. CB is like me. This relationship...could last. She will replace me in his life. I don't want that to happen. He's all I've got. Nothing is ever going to happen with Cuddy. She may be more than a boss, but she's not a friend. As soon as he falls in love, I'm going to go back to being second place in his life, and this time I'm gonna stay there for good.

He might screw it up. He might cheat on her.

But she's different.

When Wilson dated Cancer Girl, he said I wasn't trying to protect him from another bad relationship, I wanted to prevent him from a successful one. Well back then I just kind of wished he'd stayed with me longer because I liked that, but now...yeah, definitely the case.

What's wrong with me?

Maybe I don't love him. If I really did, wouldn't I want him to be happy? This thing with...Cutthroat Bitch. This could actually work. And I don't want it to.

My...lower level of misery is more important than Wilson's happiness.

That's fucked up.

Something's wrong with me.

I don't deserve him.

Well, hey, hey, neither does she! She's just as bad as I am! Worse! She doesn't even love him! She doesn't even know him! Why does she want him? She'll just hurt him! She's not like me. She doesn't love him. She'll be the dominant one in the relationship. He doesn't mean anything to her. Why would someone as evil as her want to be with someone as...someone like Wilson? She'll just hurt him. And by extension, me.

Wilson always gets punished for everything that's my fault. I fired her, and she's going to get back at me by hurting Wilson.

It can't be real. She's not capable of love. She's not a real person. She's just a bitch. There is no depth to her. There is nothing there. Even when she cried when I fired her, that was probably just her being manipulative in some other way. Hoping someone would take pity on her.

Someone like Wilson.

Why would he do this? He's blind. Doesn't he realize how terrible she is for him?

What if she's not? What if it is real? What if she likes him?

She can't like him. He...

I don't want other people to like him because he likes everybody, and that screws with me.

He doesn't belong to me.

How can I phrase this in a way that doesn't make it sound like I'm in love with him?

I want to have a say in every aspect of his life. Okay, that just sounds controlling. There's a difference between possessive and controlling.

Fine, I'll say it. I want him to belong to me.

He never belongs to me. It's always someone else.

He can't belong to me.

I'm not enough for him.

He needs a woman. He needs to be in love. He's not satisfied with just...us. Me. This...friendship. He needs more from life, and I can't give it to him because I'm a guy.

If he were gay and in love with me I could fall in love with him.

I'm not in love with him, but I could be.

_If_ he were in love with me. He's not, so...the idea of me being in love with him is kind of sick. He's my best friend. Guys don't...have those feelings about their straight male best friends. They shouldn't, anyway.

He can't get it from me, so he's getting it from her.

She's everything he wants. She's perfect for him.

I hate her.


	21. Don't Ever Change

**Recap:** House is trying to come up with a reason for Amber dating Wilson. For example to stay close to House, get her job back or whatever, or that she's messing with House. Later he stalks them on a date. He calls her the "anti-Wilson," [which I swear I didn't know when I wrote that in the previous chapter] and starts listing aspects of her personality that Wilson likes, comes to the realization that Wilson is sleeping with him, and leaves. He confronts Wilson again, he agrees with House about dating Amber because she's like him, House changes his mind and says she is needy because he fired her. House approaches Cuddy to break them up with the argument that Amber is needy and this relationship will fail just like the others, but she points out he's worried the relationship will succeed, but he doesn't need to be worried because he'll always be needy. House brings Amber in to see if she'll choose the job over Wilson. She chooses Wilson because he loves her and respects her. House gives Wilson his blessing.

Don't Ever Change

It wasn't a waste of time, making sure their motives were pure. I'd already accepted the fact that he really does like her. That didn't really come as a surprise to me. There was always hope, though. And while it was easier to believe that she's just manipulating him because of something to do with me...it doesn't mean I trust her, but I don't know what else I can do.

This is...pretty ridiculous, but a part of me wants him to love her because that means that he loves me. The one relationship that might actually work for him is with a woman who is, in many ways, just like me. He loves me.

I still wish he'd just love me and not her, but I take comfort in the fact that he's dating her for me. If I were a woman, it'd be me. If Wilson were a woman, it'd be me. Yeah, that makes more sense. He already blow-dries his hair.

He said it'd be a good idea. Us dating. He meant me being Amber, because he wouldn't like the sex if it were really me. I'd like the sex. I'm not attracted _to_ him. As I've said earlier, that would be sick. But I acknowledge that he is attractive. And probably good in bed. Bonnie said he was. I kind of got lost for a minute. I lean more toward girls, but still. I wonder if Thirteen is more into guys or girls. Maybe she's in between. She freaked out for a second, when I asked if she did it both ways. It's great how many opportunities there are for medical terms to be a euphemism for sex. I winked at her. She probably didn't get that it was a "me too" wink. I don't usually do that kind of stuff. Or I'm not so subtle about it. But it is personal. And of course, if anyone really thought I was attracted to guys, who'd they automatically assume I'm in love with? And then news of nonexistent romantic feelings would spread to said object and he'd freak out and say that explains so much and then it would take a long time to calm him down. He might not even look at me the same again. That's dangerous. I can barely even convince myself I'm not in love with him, imagine how hard it'd be to convince him.

Does she really like him? The Cutthroat Bitch I know and hate would do anything to try and get her job back. Her cold soulless eyes did not light up with greed at my suggestion. Either she really does like him or she's even more manipulative than I thought. She said he loves her and respects her. But what about her? Does she love and respect him?

If she does, this could work. Which is a threat to the status quo of my relationship with Wilson but a comfort to my ego because it means he loves me. If she doesn't, she'll eventually leave. She'll break him. Then...he'll hate her. And part of him will hate me, but I'll be there for him. Like I was with the others. He's already moved in with her. Maybe if she rips his heart out and leaves him bleeding he'll come live with me again.

But I don't want a bleeding Wilson. I want a happy Wilson. _I_ want a happy Wilson. I don't want someone else to have a happy Wilson.

But I don't want him to not be happy.

I want him to be happy with me, but that can't happen because he needs more and I can't give it to him. So the next best thing is for him to be happy with someone who's like me, who has a vagina and therefore _can_ give him what he needs, and hopefully not cut me out of his life entirely.

Here's hoping.


	22. No More Mr Nice Guy

**A/N:** I'm Jewish, but...six months till Christmas!

**Recap:** House is forced to go bowling with Chase because Wilson is spending all his free time with Amber. House goes to see Amber and demands "joint custody" of Wilson. They argue over how much time each of them gets to spend with him. Unable to reach an agreement, they drag Cuddy into it, who sides with Amber. House gets Wilson drunk to prevent them from having sex and to start an argument. House convinces his team he has syphilis, responsible for his jerkiness and he'd pretending to get nicer with treatment. He wants to tell Wilson about his brilliant scheme but holds back because he'll tell Amber. Later he decides to tell him anyway. Wilson promises not to tell Amber but does.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

That was fast. It would have been nice if he'd done it gradually.

Well, he always falls in love fast. I guess even when it's with a cutthroat bitch.

I'm still there. He went bowling with me without getting it approved first. But he also betrayed my confidence. So he's putting her first already. He's already in love with her. She already outranks me in his life.

It's weird. I always hate it when it happens, someone new comes into his life and she becomes his priority, but this time it's different because it could be permanent. Until I screw it up he'll always love me, I'll be there on the back burner while the girl is in front. He loves her more. Until it stops, she's gone, and I move up to the front again. But now I'm back there...possibly forever. He already loves Amber more than me. I get Wednesdays and alternate weekends, she gets every other day in addition to Wednesday nights.

I think he enjoys having us fight over him. He gets his ego stroked in addition to...I'm not gonna finish that sentence.

I wonder how much longer I've got before I get completely shunted to the side. Before he'll opt not to go bowling with me because he'd really rather spend another evening at home with her than out with me. Before he'll cut out early on Wednesdays and our weekends because she's better company. Because she's his. Because he loves her more.

I'm flirting with Cuddy more again. I mean, I always flirt with her, but I always do it more when I don't have Wilson to...banter with. With him it's not flirting. Even when he says things like, "Well, if you'd looked at me with those flashing eyes before I was involved..." it's not flirting. It's just...what we do. But we do less of it when we spend less time together because he's got someone else that he can not just fake flirt with but actually flirt with and also get sex out of it.

It'd be nice if I could get sex out of flirting with Cuddy. Maybe one of these days. The woman wants me. She'll hate herself in the morning, say it was a mistake that must never be repeated or even spoken of again, and then we'll do it again the next time we see each other.

It'd be so simple if it were only that simple. It can't just be sex. Why can't it ever just be sex? Why can't two people who like each other and are attracted to each other just have sex without it turning into a thing? Chase and Cameron are living proof. Unless someone's getting paid for it, there's no such thing as sex without a relationship becoming complicated. Which sucks. Cuddy and I would get along perfectly if we could just have sex every now and again without having to become involved. All the sexual tension between us would be relieved on a regular basis, both of us would be less miserable. She'd be able to use sex to bribe me into doing clinic hours and I'd be able to use sex to bribe her into letting me do fun dangerous medical procedures. We'd have...the perfect relationship.

Until she wanted to turn it into an actual relationship and then things would get complicated and messy and I'd say no until I'd be forced to say yes and then we break up and the world falls apart. Because it has to be that way. Because it can't just be simple.

This is why I hate people.

Actually, I don't really hate people. Not as much as people think I do. I'm indifferent to people because people are boring. I only hate a handful of people. All of them have wronged me in some way, the majority of them have also wronged Wilson, or wronged me through Wilson...

It always comes back to Wilson. Why does it always come back to Wilson?

Maybe I should try dating Cuddy. At least then I could distract myself from Wilson for awhile. Have a life outside of him.

But I don't really want that.


	23. House's Head

**A/N: **Today I learned that screaming at the House on my computer monitor doesn't make him remember it's Amber any faster than he would have had I remained silent.

**Recap:** House is at a strip club, he's drunk but he doesn't remember drinking. He's hurt, he doesn't remember how he got hurt, but he remembers flashes and something inside is telling him that someone is going to die unless he finds them. He goes outside to see firetrucks, ambulances, and a fallen over bus. He gets to the hospital and shares his concern with Wilson, who dismisses it. House insists he saw the symptom that made him think someone's dying before the crash actually happened. He just has no idea who it was. Chase hypnotizes him to stimulate his memory. Wilson, knowing he can't lie under hypnosis, asks House what he's running away from. House evades the question and calls him insecure. Amber shows up in House's vision and asks why he takes Wilson's concern for insecurity. House makes Chase get rid of Wilson and Amber, so they're no longer in his hypnotic vision. House thinks the person who's going to die is the bus driver. He's still hurt, so he's risking his own health by staying and trying to diagnose when he should be resting. He doesn't know why, but he knows how important preventing this person from dying is. By reenacting the scene on the bus, House finally figures out the person he needs to save is Amber. He remembers the accident, the truck hit the bus right behind her, everything was falling and spinning, he reached for her but couldn't reach her. House's heart stops, Cuddy and Wilson manage to wake him up again, he tells Wilson it was Amber on the bus with him.

House's Head

That's why it was important. Her. Who cares about a stupid bus driver? He's just like any other patient. Any other patient is not worth me risking my life, my health for. I didn't know why it was important, I just knew it was. More than just a puzzle. There wasn't that excitement, that lightness, that fun that there is with cases. Even when the patients are dying, I don't care about that. I care about trying to figure it out before they die, but it's not because I care about saving them. Saving them is just a perk. It's me against the disease, and I need to win. It's what gives my life meaning. That and Wilson.

It always comes back to Wilson.

Amber is what gives Wilson's life meaning. That's why I need to save her. He loves her. He needs her to live. He won't be happy unless she's alive and well. If he's not happy, I can't even come close to happy. Because she is most important to him and he is most important to me, she becomes most important to me. My subconscious knew that. It knew that I needed to save her, for Wilson. Knew that nothing else mattered. Even me recovering from my stupid head injury didn't matter. Because he is the only thing that matters, she is the only thing that matters.

It wasn't a puzzle this time. It wasn't about the game. It was about saving a life. A life that has meaning. To me. Not directly to me, but, by extension, to me.

The bus diver has a family that would be devastated if they lost him. Same thing with the emo guy and that other guy, and the rest of those people on the bus, and every other patient I've ever had. But I'm not that family. I'm not Wilson, I don't care whether the patient lives or dies because I'm sad that this wonderful beloved person has left the world. Their death is just the timer hitting zero. Nothing more. I do pretty much everything in my power to save them. I run ridiculous tests, I treat without testing because they might die by the time the test comes back, I commit crimes, I lie, I go behind people's backs.

But I still put myself first.

I leave the hospital as early as possible and I show up as late as possible. Maybe sometimes I'll come in in the middle of the night, but only when absolutely necessary. I don't lie awake at night willing myself to dream the answer. And if I can't sleep I find another way to kill the time, not just trying to figure out what's wrong with the patient. I don't put patients first. I put me first. I'll treat patients when I'm hurt, but only when I know I'm okay. When I electrocuted myself, I made sure I was okay before getting out of bed and going back to the patient.

This time, I knew I wasn't okay. I had a fracture. I kept bleeding from my ear. I had brain swelling. If it had been just any other case, just any other puzzle, I would have gone home and let them handle it. As I've said to Wilson, I'll sacrifice a lab rat, but I don't sacrifice self.

I should have known it was Amber just from how important this was. I didn't know why I couldn't rest until I figured out who was dying and saved them. I knew that it was the most important thing in the world but I didn't know why. I should have realized it. What's important to me? Me, my job, and Wilson. Not necessarily in that order. I knew it wasn't me dying and my job doesn't have a body. All that's left is Wilson. Since he's physically okay, I should have realized that a part of him was not okay. And the biggest part of his life right now is Amber.

That's how my thought process should have gone. Why didn't it go that way? I've wasted so much time. Why did I really think a bus driver was that important? In what universe is a stupid bus driver more important than Wilson?

I should have known.

If she dies, it will be my fault.

Speaking of which...why was she on the bus with me?

She wouldn't be on the bus with me. There's no reason for her to just take a bus. She had to have been there because of me.

She's dying. I need to find her and save her. She's at the other hospital. They're treating her injuries from the bus, but they don't know she's dying.

I saw a symptom before the crash. There's something else wrong with her. The crash can only have made it worse. I need to see her. I need to examine her. I need to fix her, because she is part of Wilson and if she's not okay, then he'll be broken.

A part of me still wishes they'd never gotten together because I want him all to myself, but that part is insignificant now. The fact is that she makes him happy. He loves her. He's in love with her. She's...she's it, for him. She's the one he's been waiting for. She's perfect for him. She's everything he wants and everything he needs. She fills every void in his life. She's what I wish I could be for him. She's it. She is his life now.

I only care about her through him, but I care enough about him...she is my priority. She is the most important thing in my life right now. I have to save her. Whatever it takes. If she needs a heart transplant, I'll...I don't even know what blood type she is, but I'd...

I have to save her. For Wilson, I have to save her.

**A/N: **This was so hard for me to do. I've never liked Amber. I don't care about her at all, but... Writing these has really given me some insight. I feel so awful knowing what's going to happen and not being able to stop it, having to write from a desperate but determined perspective when I know...when I see Wilson lying there on the bed with her and crying. I've never liked Amber, but I'm dreading what's coming up...


	24. Wilson's Heart

**A/N: **I'm really really sorry the recap is so long. I try to just get the important stuff, but everything seemed important. And I make it up to you by the whole thing being long.

**Recap:** House told Amber's doctor Wilson was her husband so they'd move her to PPTH. House is obsessing over how to save her, Wilson's obsessing over why she was on the bus in the first place. Amber's heart stops on the way over, they put her on bypass to buy time to figure out what's wrong with her. Kutner suggests House take drugs to stimulate his memory and remember her original symptom from before the crash. House has a dream about Amber and wakes up with the idea to do a deep brain stimulation, using electrical impulses to remember what happened. Wilson looks curious until Cuddy points out the danger, then he says no. House and the team come up with a diagnosis, Wilson doesn't want them to restart her heart unless they're sure they're right, House tells them to run the tests even though treatment would be faster and treatment is what he'd do with any other patient. Wilson asks House to do the deep brain stimulation because there might be more to her illness than her current symptoms. House clarifies that Wilson thinks House should risk his life to save Amber's. Wilson hesitates, then nods. House hesitates, then nods. House does it, remembers he called Wilson for a ride, Amber was home, she came to get him even though he asked for Wilson. House starts to leave, the bartender calls Amber back so she'll pay. House gets on the bus, Amber follows him on and hands him his cane. He saw her take flu pills on the bus. The crash destroyed her kidneys so the drugs can't get filtered out. She's effectively ODed on flu pills. House can't do anything. He tells Wilson he's so sorry. He's crying. Then he has a seizure and goes into a coma. Cuddy suggests Wilson wake Amber up to say goodbye and he breaks down. She comforts him. He wakes Amber up, tells her, they cry and say they love each other, after awhile Wilson turns off the machine. House is afraid to wake up from his coma because he doesn't want Wilson to hate him. He wakes up anyway, Cuddy's there, says she's there. She falls asleep in the chair by his bed. Wilson comes by, just looks at him with anger and sadness, and walks away without saying anything. He goes home, finds a note from Amber saying she went to get House. Cuddy holds House's hand. He doesn't seem to care.

Wilson's Heart

It would have been better for everybody if it had been me.

Wilson. He would have the woman of his dreams forever. He'd miss me at first, but he'd have her to get over me. He wouldn't need me as long as he has her. He loves her more. For awhile I thought...I wanted to think...it was me he loved. He loved her because she was me, just...better sex. It's not that. It was her he loved. She's the one he was waiting for. I was just there to...he never would have dated her under any other circumstances. He loves me, she's like me, so it occurs to him to date someone like me, date her, and there he's found the love of his life. I led him to her in more ways than one, but she's the one he was meant to be with. It was always her. I don't care that I don't believe in the meant to be stuff. He does. Maybe even she does. I don't even know her that well. She was...

Amber. She'd help him through my death and they'd get even closer. And once he got over me, he'd be all hers. Even on Wednesday nights and alternate weekends. She wouldn't have to share him. She wouldn't have me to resent like his other wives did. They would live happily every after. Fairy tale. He's the handsome prince, she's the beautiful princess, and I'm just some guy in the forest who got killed in a bus crash. The one you see in the credits and then have to ask your friend who that character was because you don't remember him.

The team. They'd leave eventually just like the others. Foreman's not me, but they can save plenty of people. They'll learn from him. They won't turn into me the way he did. They can save lives and still like who they are.

Foreman. He'll be the head of diagnostics now. He'll run it his way and Cuddy will have to let him because she'd let me. Even though she doesn't love him like she loves me, she knows she'd have to let him.

Cuddy. She does love me. She really does. But she's better off without me. If she ever does want a relationship, it will turn into heartbreak for us both. She's got enough stress in her life. She doesn't need that. And as much as she loves putting up with me, she also knows she doesn't need that either.

Me.

I don't want to die. I'm not gonna kill myself. But I should have died. Goddammit all to hell, I should have died!

Why did it have to be her and not me?

I don't deserve this!

I'm just in pain, all the time, I'm miserable. I don't deserve to live with this. I don't deserve to live.

I just killed my best friend's...the one person I really love's...she'd dead because of me.

I shouldn't have gotten so drunk. I shouldn't have called him. It wasn't even Wednesday. I shouldn't have been so out of it that I left my cane in the bar. I should have paid for the gallons of scotch I consumed. I should have gone with her in her car instead of forcing her to follow me onto the bus. I shouldn't have told her to find Wilson, like the two of them only exist to do my bidding.

Oh, god, what kind of...

I want to throw up.

I can't. There's nothing to throw up. I haven't eaten anything.

Oh god.

I didn't want to get off the bus. Amber told me to. I shouldn't have listened.

No, staying wouldn't have brought her back. She was already dead.

Between me and Amber, they need me dead, not her, but better her than both of us. That won't solve anything. I can't kill myself. Killing myself won't bring her back. And it's selfish. Wilson hates me, but he'll get over that, and he needs me.

I have to tell myself that. When she was here, he didn't need me, but she's gone now and she's never coming back and he'll never be happy again but if he even has a chance he needs me.

He loves me. He has to. I know he hates me, god, I hate me, but somewhere there...tell me he has to love me. We both need that.

Please, Wilson. You have to love me. I almost died for you. Please. I cried for you. I did everything you asked me to. I did everything I could. If you'd asked me to give her my heart, I would have. Please.

Goddammit there's nothing I can do. I did everything. I almost killed myself.

He doesn't even care.

He cares, he cares. He's a serial carer, remember? He cares about everything. You're his best friend. He loves you. He cares.

The way he looked at me...

He'll get over that. He has to.

It hurt him to look at me. Of course. What gives me the right to live when she...

Oh, god, I need to throw up again.

Just dry heaves. I hate this.

It hurt him to see me there, in a damn hospital bed but awake and alive and I'm gonna be just fucking fine. He hates that it wasn't me. Of course he does. Who in the world can blame him?

It should have been me.

Oh, god, it should have been me.

I don't care. It's for him. It would have been better for everybody, including myself, but mostly for him. He's the only thing that...

I need him.

I don't want it to be Cuddy in this stupid chair by my stupid hospital bed. What can she do? She won't even give me sex. Why is she even here? I don't want her here. If I wanted her here I'd look at her. I don't care about her.

All right, I care about her. But not enough to compare to Wilson. Never. I don't care that she's here. I don't care about her right now at this moment. When the most important thing in my life hasn't just suffered the most devastating loss of his existence and we're even remotely close to something resembling happiness, or at least contentment, or barring that, lack of complete and utter despair, _then_ I can turn my attention to Cuddy. When my world isn't falling apart.

She's my House. I kind of love her, but only when it's convenient for me. Which I guess is selfish. Well Wilson does it. Why can't I?

Because she doesn't deserve it. She's better than me. She deserves someone who'll support her and always be there for her and care for her. Definitely not me. She really would be better off without me. I'm holding her back from forming a real relationship because she wants me and part of her will always love me so she won't be able to connect with another person.

Is there a single person on this world whose life I haven't fucked up by being in it?

No.

No one.

I cure patients, but I'm not really in their life. I just pass through.

I destroy everything around me. Everyone around me.

Oh god, I'm having an _It's a Wonderful Life _moment. Feeling like the world would be better off without me.

No, it's not that. I do help people. I am a doctor. A good doctor. All right, a fantastic doctor.

But I can only help strangers. The world wouldn't be better off without me. The people I'm close to would be better off staying away from me.

I've fucked up Foreman's life, Cuddy's, Wilson's, and Amber's life I fucked up and then ended.

She's right. Self pity isn't attractive.

But it's not me I'm feeling sorry for. It's everyone around me. Except I don't feel sorry for people. I'm not feeling sorry. I'm feeling _guilty_. Everything is my fault. I'm an ass.

No, people say I'm an ass to be nice. What they mean is I'm an asshole. I don't know why they shorten it. Just say it straight to my face. I'm an asshole.

I want out of this bed. I want to get up and run, just keep running until it all stops hurting. I guess they couldn't have given me another round of ketamine during my surgery. Oh well. I guess the last thing I deserve is to get what I want.

Amber is dead.

Amber is dead. Amber is dead.

Wilson...he needs me and I need him but I know I'm the last person on the planet he wants to see right now. Even the truck driver and the physician who prescribed her the flu pills are higher on the list than me.

He's lost...everything. Her, and maybe me too. He needs to get over it but he's gonna hate me for awhile. He doesn't want me so I can't be there for him because he won't let me. With her gone, I'm all he's got, but he hates me.

I don't blame him. I hate me, too.


	25. Dying Changes Everything

**A/N:** This one was really depressing to write. House has an epiphany, but it's not the one I thought he'd have. I just have to hope he's wrong.

**Recap:** Wilson returns after a two month leave, House hasn't really talked to him in that time. At first he's afraid to go talk to Wilson, but eventually he does. He enters the office acting like nothing's changed, and Wilson announces he's leaving. House tries to convince him that his desire to leave is just a reaction to Amber's death and actually isn't what he wants, but Wilson doesn't change his mind. House goes around to everyone to try to get them to convince Wilson to stay. Cuddy says he should apologize to Wilson, and then lists the ways in which Amber's death is his fault. House tries several other strategies to no avail, but when Wilson is about to leave, House apologizes for his role in Amber's death. Wilson says he doesn't blame House at all. House asks if they're okay. Wilson says they're not. He says he's not leaving because of Amber and that he and House aren't friends anymore, he doesn't think they ever were. He leaves.

Dying Changes Everything

Fuck.

I tried everything. I tried just being me. I tried risking a patient's life. I even talked about my fucking feelings, admitting that his friendship means more to me than some stupid patient. And I tried apologizing. Nothing worked.

It was bad enough that he was leaving. Worse was finding out he wasn't leaving to escape memories of Amber, he's leaving to get away from me.

He really does hate me that much.

How could I have been so off?

I really did think he loved me.

He did say he wanted to protect me. That's why he wanted to make me think he was leaving because of Amber.

But that doesn't mean he loves me. Protecting...that's what he does. That's why his patients love him. He protects people. It's his nature. He's come into contact with me, therefore he has to protect me.

But he doesn't love me.

_You spread misery because you can't feel anything else. You manipulate people because you can't handle any kind of real relationship_.

You don't...say that...to someone you love. You just...you don't. You say it if you're in a fight, but you don't _mean_ it.

He wasn't even fucking angry. If he'd screamed it, I could have attributed it to anger. Pretended he didn't really mean it. No. He was so calm. He thought each word through before he said it. He meant it.

_And I've enabled it for years, the games, the binges, the middle-of-the-night phone calls._

Of course he has to make me feel worse by pretending to blame himself when he really knows it was all my fault.

I didn't want to hurt him.

One time he told me I have to test everyone around me, push every relationship until it breaks.

Later on, I told him I didn't want to do that with him. I didn't want to push our relationship until it breaks.

He's the one thing I don't want to risk.

But that's exactly what I've done.

He put up with it. I didn't know he resented it. Why would he put up with me? Why wouldn't he say something?

It doesn't matter. I would have ignored him, would have mocked him and kept on going.

People don't change.

But Wilson's changed. He's not putting up with me anymore. Amber's death wasn't the straw that broke the camel's back. It was the flashlight shining on the camel, showing just how much straw there was, leading to the realization that there shouldn't be any straw at all.

And no, there isn't any comfort in knowing I was right about unconditional love not existing.

Or maybe I wasn't. He said we weren't ever friends. He's never loved me. So he couldn't love me unconditionally.

I don't hate him.

I hate myself, but I don't hate him.

He blames himself.

I guess he's probably right about me. I've only had two meaningful relationships in my life, and I've just discovered that one of them wasn't actually a relationship at all. I'm miserable so I try and make everyone else miserable. I manipulate other people, I only look out for myself.

I didn't risk my life for Amber.

I didn't even risk my life for Wilson.

I risked my life for one person only, me.

It wasn't my fault the bus got into an accident and it wasn't my fault that Amber took flu pills. It was my fault she was on the bus with me.

And I felt guilty.

And if I saved her life, I wouldn't have to deal with that guilt.

Selfish.

Everything I do is selfish.

I don't care about consequences. I don't care if other people die. I just look out for me.

I'm a bad person.

He...can do better than me.

I don't want him to.

Maybe I don't really love him. If I did, I'd want him to do whatever he needed to be happy. Getting rid of me is probably a huge step in that direction. But that's not what I want.

I'd rather have him miserable with me than happy in Pewaukee, Wisconsin.

Because then he'd be just another person. Just a stranger. I don't care about strangers. If he's not here with me, if I don't get to see him, talk to him on a regular basis, he's no longer a part of my life.

I want him to be part of my life. I need him.

I am ridiculously selfish.

When you love someone, you're supposed to put their needs above your own. I've never done that with Wilson. My selfishness has fucked with his life, I've never actually done anything for him.

I do things because of him. But I never do anything _for_ him. I never attempt to improve his life in any little way.

This isn't love, it's obsession. I get jealous when he gets a girlfriend, I go through his stuff, I steal his food, I call him in the middle of the night. I want to be around him, like, all the time, but I never take any steps to make him want to be around me.

He was right. We're not friends and we never were. He's never loved me and I've never loved him. He should have left me years ago. He was right about everything.

He's right to leave. He should leave. But I want him to stay.

Of course I like the status quo. I get everything I want with no regard to what he wants. It's a perfect arrangement for me. I don't want anything to change. I want our dysfunctional ghost of a friendship. I want the foosball and the free lunches and the gossip buddy and the Chinese food on Christmas.

Because I'm selfish.

I hate myself, but I look out for me above everyone else.

Even Wilson.

Even the guy I thought...I could have sworn I loved.

**A/N:** If anyone has any contradictions to anything said here, I'd love to hear them. Please. Tell me House really does love Wilson. Give me evidence. Show me it's not just an obsession, he really is in love. I need him to really be in love.


	26. Not Cancer

**A/N: **This one's short but I actually kind of like it. I like the end.

**Recap:** They're doing a differential, House is obsessing about Wilson, asking what Wilson did for him. Kutner said he bought him lunch, liked monster trucks, and was his conscience. House sets out to find someone else who can do those things for him. Then he hires Lucas to check out his new prospective Wilson. They're spying on him, Lucas points out that House really just wants to know if Wilson misses him and if there's a way to get Wilson to come back. House asks if there is, Lucas says no. He says Wilson's never even mentioned his existence. House goes to Wilson's place for a consult, acts like he's just going to see him at his office. Wilson listens for a minute and then tries to close the door on House. House tries to be different, be nice, be an actual friend, but Wilson says he just wants to move on. House has a conversation with Lucas about friendship. He asks Lucas if he wants to be his friend, Lucas says not really. House starts paying Lucas to spend time with him.

Not Cancer

See, if I really loved Wilson, he wouldn't be this easily replaceable.

I mean, this is just a defense mechanism. If I can convince myself I don't love him, then it doesn't have to hurt as much that he hates me and he's not here.

I need him in my life. He's all I've got. Was all I've got.

I didn't love Wilson just because he bought me lunch and he didn't charge me to hang out with him. I loved him because he's...Wilson. He...life sucked less...when he was in the room.

God, that sounds so pathetically cliché. Maybe I was in love with him. Except for the fact that if I'd loved him, platonically or not, I would have treated him better. Should have treated him better.

I tried. I want us to be different. I want to be his friend, really his friend. All right, maybe I just want him to love me, but I'm willing to at least try and be different if there's a chance that could happen. When he tried to close the door on me, I asked "How are you?" That was probably the first time those words have left my mouth since Stacy. A few months ago when I had a patient I kind of liked, when she got hurt I asked if she was okay. Wilson pointed out that I don't ask people that question, that I've never asked him that question.

He's right. What kind of friend doesn't even ask "How are you?" or "Are you okay?"

I ask if we're okay. Not often. Only when something bad happens. Because I need to know. I need to be sure. He's...if we're not okay, then I'm not okay.

I'm not okay.

I need us to be okay because I need to be okay because okay is a step up from miserable.

I need him.

But I can't have him because I'm an asshole and he hates me.

And it hurts. So I need to distract myself from that.

So I need Lucas.

I don't want Lucas to be my friend. I want Wilson to be my friend. But I need someone, something.

Lucas can't be Wilson. That guy who bought me lunch and likes monster trucks can't be Wilson. Only Wilson can be Wilson. I know this. And I want Wilson.

But as the philosopher Jagger once said...

So...Lucas...hope you like Thai.


	27. Birthmarks

**Recap:** House dad dies, Cuddy drugs House and gets Wilson to take him to the funeral. Wilson disclaims that nothing is different between them, but House is happy to see him. He tries to delay getting to the funeral by losing Wilson's keys and then getting them pulled over. They talk about how they met. After the funeral, Wilson and House get into an argument about how Wilson needs to prepare for everything, he couldn't do that with Amber, and the only reason he ditched House was so that he wouldn't make the same mistake twice. They go back to Princeton, Wilson decides to come back because he has fun with House.

Birthmarks

He changed his mind. He said we weren't friends and never were, but he changed his mind. In the police station, he said me being bored one weekend was the foundation of our entire friendship. Which meant we are friends. And then in my office he said we couldn't choose our friends. So he's friends with me against his will, but he is friends with me.

Is it kind of pathetic that that's enough for me? I don't care why we're friends, as long as we are? The same thing with him coming back. I told him I didn't mind if he just came back because I'm needy. I mean, I tried to come up with any reason to try to get him to stay. It doesn't make a difference why he comes back, as long as he's here.

He's here. He's back.

I wonder if it's true. I want it to be true. Because if it's true, it means he loves me. You're not afraid of losing someone unless you love them. Or need them. Well, whatever, I never said we weren't dysfunctional.

He needs me as much as I need him.

He does.

So he doesn't hate me for not treating him like a friend. I still should, but he doesn't stay because he expects that of me. He stays because I fulfill some of his needs.

So I can love him.

I do love him.

When I saw him, I didn't care why, I was just glad he was there. It's a good thing we were in the car, because if we weren't I might have embarrassed myself by touching him. We don't do the touching thing. I don't like when people touch me, but Wilson's allowed. Cuddy's allowed. My mom's allowed. Pretty girls are allowed, depending on the circumstances. But normally we don't do the touching thing. I might have not done it, just because we don't, but I might have. He touched me at the funeral, he put his hand on my shoulder, but that was just a pretense, just for show. It was still kind of nice. I don't usually like touching, but I think a part of me craves human contact. It's just not a big enough part for me to act on it.

People don't change. He doesn't want to keep enabling me, but he will. We can't choose our friends. And also, we can't choose who we are. I'm always gonna be me, and he's always gonna be him. He's gonna love me in his own way. He's gonna hate himself for not doing what's "best" for me, but when he tries try to act in what he thinks are my best interests, I always resent him for it. I forgive him, but I resent him for awhile. I guess he doesn't like it when we fight either. Maybe he really does love me. He loves my company. That's why he's coming back.

Did he really leave just because he was afraid of losing me? I want to believe it. I called myself the most important thing in his life. Pretty bold move. Obviously Amber came first, but he didn't leave until after she'd died. When he's single, I think I'm the most important thing to him. He's the most important thing to me. Always. But I could never do what he did. I don't want to lose him, but I'm not going to push him away just so that I'll be the one in control. I can't, because I'd miss him too much. I need to be around him. I was distracting myself with Lucas and Cuddy for awhile, but that wouldn't have lasted much longer before I got really depressed. Guess my dad died at the right time.

I wonder how much longer Wilson could have stayed away. He spent awhile insisting things were the same, he was just there to take me to the funeral and then back to our estrangement. He needed me to spend time with him, to show him that he loves being around me as much as I love being around him. All right, that sounds a little gay. So what? I don't care anymore. It doesn't matter. It's true. I love him and I need him, and it's just a fact. It doesn't matter how I phrase it. It just is.

He missed me, but he wouldn't admit it. He'd be in denial for a long time. He's good at being in denial. I mean, I am too. I still refuse to admit that I might be in love with him. I mean, I can't be. That'd be wrong. Our relationship is messed up as it is, the last thing it needs are unrequited romantic feelings. No. A guy can love another guy without being in love with him. It happens all the time.

Wilson...I don't know if he would have come back on his own. He was determined to believe he'd moved on. He doesn't like change any more than I do. I mean, leaving was a radical change, but coming back would be one too. And it would mean admitting he's wrong. He'd rather be miserable and convince himself he's happy than actually try and be happy.

I hope he's not doing that with me.

Did he convince himself he'd moved on and then admit that he's really happier with me or did he really move on and then just convince himself he's happier with me?

I guess it doesn't matter. As long as he's here, that's what matters. He's here. And if I believed in God I'd ask him for Wilson please to stay this time.


	28. Lucky Thirteen

**A/N:** This one's partially about Cuddy, but I like it, I think I picked up on something I didn't get from just watching the episode. I really like writing these things because, assuming I'm not completely off, I learn a lot about the characters.

**Recap:** House pranks Wilson and catches him lying about having a breakfast meeting, so he and Lucas stalk him. Wilson pranks House back but really did lie to him about where he was, so House stalks him again until he finds him helping Cuddy pick out a crib. Cuddy says she's been approved to adopt a baby, she was using Wilson as a character reference, and that's where he was. House looks surprised and less than thrilled. He leaves.

Lucky Thirteen

This is dumb. I feel like a bad kid who's done something wrong. I haven't done anything wrong. Well, except kill Wilson's girlfriend, there's that, but I haven't done anything to Cuddy. Not that I can think of. I don't even really care about Cuddy that much; why do I feel hurt?

When she wanted to get pregnant, she only told one person, and that was me. She had me give her the injections in her ass to increase her chances of pregnancy, she had me help her choose a sperm donor, and she trusted me to keep her secret for her. And I did. Well, I slipped once, but then I acted like I was just kidding and I think I got away with it.

But for some reason she doesn't trust me anymore. She never told me she was trying to adopt. She told Wilson. Both of them deliberately kept this from me. I feel betrayed by...both of them. Wilson said he didn't tell me because he didn't want to betray Cuddy's trust. He had no problem betraying my trust with Amber. But that just goes to show how insignificant his love for me is compared with a girlfriend.

No, the Wilson thing is irritating, but it's Cuddy I feel betrayed by right now.

Why wouldn't she tell me? Why tell him and not me? She likes me. I mean, she likes him too, but not the way she likes me. She _likes_ me. When I was in the hospital after the DBS she spent the nights in a chair next to my bed, and she held my hand. I didn't even really care that much because I was too focused on Wilson and on Amber's death, but she still did it.

Maybe that's why.

She wanted something to happen, she was there supporting me, showing me how much she cared about me, and I didn't even notice because all I cared about was Wilson.

Oh.

She loved me, but I only loved Wilson, I didn't pay any attention to her, I didn't care that she was taking care of me, and I hurt her without even realizing it.

It's not that I don't love her, I just love Wilson more. When my relationship with Wilson is stable, I've got no problem focusing on her, flirting with her in every way, shape, and form, and finding attention to give to her. But Wilson comes first. Wilson has to come first. He came to my room, but he just gave me a look and left, and he ignored my calls, didn't come to see me again, and wasn't at work. I couldn't notice she was there because I was distracted by the fact that he wasn't there.

And then he wasn't there for good. Or so I thought.

Maybe she knew me flirting with her that time was just a distraction. I was using a middleman anyway. But it's not like Cuddy'd ever go for Lucas anyway. He doesn't really like her, he just likes girls in general. He only liked her because she was there. He was flirting on my behalf. She knew it was about me, she's not that stupid. But Wilson had been gone for a few weeks and I was starting to think he might not come back and I needed a distraction. If flirting with Cuddy, through Lucas or not, had led to something more that time, it wouldn't have been for her. I only flirt with her for her when Wilson and I are okay.

I've said it before, she's my House. I like her, I even love her, but Wilson's gotta come first.

The difference is that I'll always love Wilson no matter how much he hurts me or no matter how many times he betrays me, but she can give up on me. I guess she has.

I didn't mean to hurt her. I care about her enough that it bothers me that she's hurt. I do feel bad, I guess. A little guilty. But if it happened all over again I wouldn't do anything differently. I can't put her before Wilson, it's just not possible. Even if we ever did start a relationship, he'd still come first. Another reason why we wouldn't last long.

I guess there's not a chance of that happening now anyway. Whatever. I guess I'll get over it soon enough.

At least Wilson and I are okay again.


	29. Joy

**A/N:** This is the infamous House/Cuddy kiss. So this chapter's gonna be about Cuddy. Don't worry, he still loves Wilson more.

**Recap:** Cuddy's all excited about getting a baby, she's going to meet with the mother. She notices a rash and brings her in, they check out the baby and there might be complications. Every time he sees Cuddy, House explains how unfit a mother she'll be. When the mom gets worse, Cuddy asks House if they should deliver or wait, House says deliver, Cuddy decides to agree, but he was just testing her. She tells the mother to wait, but she's scared and wants to have the baby now. The baby survives, and the biological mother decides at the last minute that she wants to keep it. Cuddy's at home feeling upset, House comes to see her, he actually tries to console her. He tells her she would have made a great mother. He kisses her, she kisses back, and he leaves.

Joy

Oops.

All right, that was pretty stupid.

How many times have I said nothing serious can happen between us?

I mean, it was hot, but I really shouldn't have done that. She would have gone all the way, for sure. She was vulnerable, she was miserable, and she really does love me. I love her too, in my own way. And I guess I feel bad. And I guess I kind of feel guilty. It's not my fault she lost the kid, that's not what I feel guilty about. I really shouldn't have antagonized her like that. I don't know why I do that. Even if she had gotten the kid, she just would have doubted herself. And then when she's not getting it anymore I tell her she'd be great. Not only is she not getting this kid anymore, she's giving up. It's her own decision, but it's possible that a part of it was that I drove her to it. I had to go and point out all the mistakes she's making by having impaired judgement, looking at things through a mother's eyes instead of a doctor's. Wilson was right. I really do spread misery. Why can't I just let the woman be happy?

I tried to make up for it. I felt bad, I told her there were other kids she could adopt. I guess I was too late. I made the right decision by leaving. I shouldn't even have kissed her. Sex would have just made things worse. I'd just complicate things. She doesn't need that. She doesn't need a stupid mistake. She doesn't need me to take advantage of her.

I can see it, six months later, we're fighting and she points out that the only reason we're in a relationship is because I manipulated her and then took advantage of her. No. I'm not gonna let that happen. Contrary to popular belief, I do actually care about her.

I probably should have shown that. When Wilson was on leave and she was with me, I should have appreciated it. I should have told her I appreciated it. She should have mattered to me and I should have shown her that she matters to me.

But I couldn't have. I was too focused on Wilson. Idiot. It shouldn't be him I love, it should be her. I know we'd never work, but...couldn't we try? If I loved her more than him, there could be a chance. I mean, he's not the only reason. It'd be really hard. But if I loved her most, if I could put her first, maybe we would have a chance. I know she loves me.

Stupid Wilson.

I wonder if she'd be better for me than him. He hurts me without meaning to sometimes, but she doesn't, really. They both put up with me, but I think she's a better judge of where to draw the line. He either draws it too close or doesn't draw it at all. He enables. She knows when to stop. She's wrong sometimes, she makes mistakes, but she admits it. And she could fall in love with me. She might already be in love with me. She values my opinion. She trusts my judgement. She does love me.

He...

God, this is confusing.

It doesn't really matter. I'm not starting a relationship with her. I'm not starting a relationship with him. He could never be in love with me anyway, and I...I'm not in love with him. I love him more than I love Cuddy, but I'm attracted to Cuddy and could easily fall in love with her if I let myself. I don't want to let myself because then I might go against my better judgement and try and have a relationship. Bad idea. Really bad idea.

So nothing changes. Nothing can happen. I shouldn't have kissed her, but I did. Then I came to my senses and left. It's over.


	30. The Itch

**A/N**: This started out completely about Cuddy but I managed to make it about Wilson. I'm talented that way.

**Recap:** Cuddy says they kissed because she was emotional and he was being nice. She thanks him for not letting it go further. Wilson talks to Cuddy, she says she doesn't think of House that way, he asks why, and she, like House, knows it would never work and exactly why. Wilson encourages a relationship anyway. House and Cuddy are nicer to each other than usual. Wilson tells House to go to Cuddy's and ask her out. He goes over there, looks inside, watches her a minute, then leaves.

The Itch

Why? What difference does it make to him? What interest does he have in Cuddy and I dating? Why does he want to push us together, other than the fact that he's trying to live through me because he doesn't have a life of his own?

Does he really think we'd work? He's got to know it can only end badly. Or maybe he just thinks that because he can pretend a bad relationship is good for all eternity that the rest of the world can too. Come on, he should know us better than that. Cuddy and I, we'd break up every time we have a fight. We'd be like fifteen year olds, on again, off again. And then we'd eventually stay off. We wouldn't remain in a bad relationship. We're not like Wilson.

Both of us know it won't work. She was glad I thought it through enough to stop at kissing. She really was. Not secretly disappointed that I didn't let it go farther. She was relieved. She knows she would have done everything.

If I had asked her out tonight, she would have said no. She would have been apologetic, she would have explained the rational reasons I'm already aware of why it wouldn't work. She'd probably make it clear that it's not because she's not interested in me. She would have said no, I wouldn't have expected anything else, and then I would have left. She might have kissed me on the cheek or something.

And then if I hadn't left, if I'd kept pressing her, she would have eventually caved and said yes. I wouldn't have kept pressing her because I know as well as she does how bad of an idea it is, but if I had, she would have agreed. A part of her, a big part of her, wants me. And a part of me wants her. Because feelings are not rational.

She would have said yes because she doesn't know what she wants. When it really gets down to it, neither do I. I know I want to be happy, but I don't know if I can be. I don't know if I've ever been happy. With Stacy...I wasn't miserable the way I am now, but I don't know if I was happy. If I were to date Cuddy...I wouldn't be happy. I might be temporarily happy. I would definitely have moments of happiness. The sex, for example. But life overall wouldn't be happy.

I already have moments of happiness. When I flirt with Cuddy, I have moments. But I also have moments of happiness when I get those cool patient epiphanies. And when I'm with Wilson.

Yeah, a lot of my moments of happiness happen when I'm with Wilson. I think that's why I liked when he stayed with me, because I got more of those.

Maybe if I spent more time with Cuddy, I would have more moments of happiness. It's definitely more realistic and more attainable than spending more time with Wilson. The guy wouldn't even let me stay the night.

But if I start a relationship with Cuddy, even though there's a possibility of increased moments of happiness, there's definitely going to be an increase in my moments of misery. Not at first. It would take awhile. But after a few months, the moments of misery will start to outweigh the moments off happiness. It's not worth it. I wouldn't even break even. I'd just be worse off than I am now.

That's what's so great about Wilson. It's not that I don't have moments of misery with him, but the moments of happiness definitely outweigh the moments of misery.

Can I just escape reality for one second? Can I please just allow myself to enter into an alternate universe completely different from the one I'm in and entertain the notion of me being in a relationship with Wilson? And could I please please do it without having to explain for the thousandth time that I'm not in love with him? Just let me think about it for a second. It doesn't mean anything, it's just...give me a minute to wonder what it would be like.

Could I be happy with him?

...

Like I said, I don't know if I even have the capacity to be happy. But if I did...

Would we fight? I might worry he'd cheat on me. We'd get into silly little meaningless arguments, but would we fight about the big stuff?

There's the Vicodin. I guess we'd fight about that.

Could we get through that? Or would it break us up?

Would we end up resenting each other for some reason?

There's still the Amber problem. He loved her more than me. He might resent that I'm not her. She's the one he really wants and she's dead. And I might resent that even though she's dead he loves her more.

Could we work through that?

We could try.

If I were with Wilson, I don't think my moments of misery would outweigh my moments of happiness. I think happiness would win.

It's time to stop thinking about this now. I'm nearing tachycardia.

It's ridiculous, anyway. Pointless. I don't even know why I did that. I know that nothing about it is realistic.

I did discover that I'm happiest when I'm with him. Explains why I love him. Still doesn't mean I'm in love with him.


	31. Last Resort

**Recap: **A guy with a gun traps House, Thirteen, and a bunch of hostages in Cuddy's office, threatening to shoot people unless he gets diagnosed and treated. He demands that Cuddy bring any medication he needs and that Thirteen take it all first. Cuddy agrees because she's scared for House's life, Thirteen agrees because she knows she's dying anyway. They take a field trip to radiology, where the patient needs to give House the gun to get a clear image. When the scan ends up being clean, House gives the guy back his gun, ending up risking Thirteen's life to solve the case. Later Cuddy admits that she doesn't use her best judgement when it comes to House, and that's why they can't be in a relationship. She asks if he wants a relationship, he says no but says it lightly.

Last Resort

I guess I really don't care whether I live or die. I should at least have cared whether Thirteen lived or died. She's dying anyway, but it's not up to me to speed it up. But as for me...it really doesn't matter to me. I'm not happy. I'm not gonna be happy. Nothing can make me...happy happy. I don't particularly want to die, but if it happens, it happens. I knew I probably wouldn't die though. I've been shot before. I don't recommend it. I really didn't think this guy was gonna shoot me, but even if he did I'd probably live. I didn't want to get shot. But I did want to diagnose the guy. If I didn't have this, the getting to diagnose patients thing, I might be even more indifferent to life.

Thirteen's not indifferent. She does want to live now. At least for now. Near death experiences change people temporarily, not permanently. People don't change. Thirteen's gonna try to change. Maybe she'll extend her life awhile. Maybe she'll shorten it. Maybe near the end she'll realize it doesn't make a difference. Everybody dies.

Cuddy doesn't want me to die. She was willing to put her life at risk to lessen the risk to mine. If I hadn't been in that room, she wouldn't have come near it. She only acted the way she did because of me. She knows that. And she knows that it's wrong. But it's because she loves me. She can't help it. If it had been Wilson instead of me I'd have done everything I could to try and keep him safe. Even if it had been Cuddy in there I would have tried to protect her.

She asked me if I wanted a relationship. Not like she was proposing a relationship. It was just a question. But I think if I had said yes, she would have given in. She'd probably have set a bunch of ground rules, knowing I'd break all of them, and then we'd go to dinner or something and have sex. Part of me wants it, and part of her wants it, so if one of us shows they're willing to go for it, the other would eventually agree. If she made the first move I'd go with it. I'd try to make it more about sex than anything else, but if she led I'd follow her lead. I won't make the first move because I know it's not worth it–I've been through this, but if she really wanted us to be together I'd let it happen.

It's like I don't care whether I live or die. I don't care whether we start a relationship or not. I'm not going to commit suicide, I'm not going to ask Cuddy out. But whatever happens, happens.


	32. Let Them Eat Cake

**A/N: **I'm really starting to get bored with the House and Cuddy liking each other arc, which might be why this chapter is so short, but I think it's relevant.

**Recap:** Cuddy's office got messed up during the hostage situation, so she decided to move into House's office. House does everything he can to sabotage the renovations to Cuddy's office. He confronts her about why she's doing what she's doing, she says their relationship is going somewhere and they should kiss. Instead, he feels her up. She's disappointed until she finds that someone gets her old desk from med school put in her office. She assumes it's House and goes to his office where she sees him leaving with a hooker. She leaves.

Let Them Eat Cake

I'm perfectly aware that I'm pushing her away. I'm also aware that I'm hurting her by doing this. But I have to. And deep down, she knows this. She's strong. She'll get over it. She knows it's for the best. She really was expecting me to kiss her in my office. She really held out hope that I'll do the right thing. No. Sometimes, yes, but no. She's just setting herself up for disappointment. It's better that she get it over with now than wait until we're actually together. We can prick a finger to run blood tests or we can wait and watch as the disease attacks various body parts. Pricking your finger hurts for a second. Then it's over and soon forgotten and if you're lucky we find out what medicine you need and you never need to be in any real pain. I'm protecting both of us. It's the best thing for both of us. The way it hurts now can't compare to the way it will hurt when we break up if we actually get together. I guess I'm a little bit disappointed that we're not gonna give this a try, but I think my relief outweighs the disappointment. I'm doing the right thing. She'll thank me one day.


	33. The Greater Good

**A/N:** I'm mostly doing this because it's been so many episodes since I've updated. Not a lot has really happened to House, most of the drama has been with Foreteen and Cuddy's new baby.

**Recap:** Cuddy's got a baby now, she wants to spend more time at home with it, she gets Cameron to take over some of her duties, but Cameron can't say no to House, so Cuddy comes back. She pranks House to get back at him for forcing her back to work, he doesn't prank her back, eventually she apologizes.

The Greater Good

Things are back to normal between us. A relief, I guess. Her little spit up machine came at the right time. She's way too distracted now to even think about starting a relationship.

I mean, yeah, a part of me wanted to give it a try. See what would happen. At least, get free sex and have a warm body to wake up to. As gay as that second part sounds. You know, just because I'm a cold hearted bastard to most people doesn't mean I don't want stuff like...well, being loved.

I miss Stacy. I do, it...not even her, I mean, I loved her. I still love her. But with her, it was like living someone else's life. I don't have a lot of relationships. People don't love me. She did. Maybe we weren't the typical couple, not exactly what you'd see in a Hallmark card, but we loved each other. I loved being with her. I loved the way she would make me feel, and I loved that I could make her feel the same way.

There was a patient, a few weeks back. He was in chronic pain like I am, except his ended up being fixable. He said it was easier for me since I'm alone, I don't have to put up a front.

Maybe he was right about that. For most things, I don't put up any fronts at all, I do and say whatever the hell I want without giving a crap who's in the room. But not when it comes to my pain. I try to hide that. And it is easier, when I'm at home, I can take long baths and play piano into the night and drink and take as much Vicodin as I want. If I can't sleep I don't have to try. If someone else were there, I might not be able to do all that.

It's probably better for everyone that I'm alone. I'd drive anyone crazy who lived with me. Another reason Cuddy and I would break up if it ever came to that.

Things are exactly the same between us. Pranking is how I show someone I like them. Before a crazy guy with a gun showed up in the clinic I was breaking Cuddy's drawer so all her stuff fell to the ground. Yeah, she partly did this to get back at me, but she's also trying to tell me she still likes me in a language I can both understand and appreciate. We can't possibly be together, but she still likes me. Message received.

I guess Wilson was right. I take comfort in knowing nothing's gonna change.


	34. Unfaithful

**Recap:** Cuddy's having a naming ceremony for her baby, she invites House. House thinks Cuddy's only inviting him so he won't come, but she insists it's real, so he agrees to test her. Then she goes and whines to Wilson about him coming. Cuddy tells House she doesn't want him at the naming because he's miserable. Then she talks with Cameron and decides she really does want him there, thinks about asking him to come again but doesn't. He spends the night drinking at his piano.

Unfaithful

I actually kind of liked this patient for awhile. Atheist priest. Definitely interesting. Except he said I really do want to believe in God. Deep down.

Does it really matter?

You can't control life. You can only control what you can control, and it doesn't make a difference if the rest is controlled by God or randomness. People believe in God because it's a comfort for them. It lets them think that life has meaning, there's some big plan. I don't believe in that, ergo I can't take comfort in it, ergo there's no reason for me to believe in God. Or want to.

I _want_ my leg to get better, but that isn't going to happen, so there's no reason to think about it.

Then there are other things that I want that are probably never going to happen but maybe they will happen eventually and I can't know for sure but I know there's a possibility, so it's okay to want them. Like, for example, a successful relationship. Stacy's the only one I've ever had, and that was before my leg got fucked up. I don't even know if it's possible to have one with anyone else. Back when her husband was sick, she told me she considered me "The One."

If I don't believe in God, there's no reason for me to believe in something stupid like soul mates, and I don't, but I wonder sometimes if it's even possible for me to be in love with someone else the way me and Stacy were in love. You know, not just me, having it be reciprocated. And real.

I know it worked with her, and it'd be nice to think that it might work with someone else eventually, but I don't even know if it can. What if no one else can love me the way she did?

Cuddy...I don't know what she wants from me. She doesn't know what she wants from me. She's not just hot and cold, she's boiling and frozen. She's like a microwave dinner. The outside edges are so hot you burn yourself if you touch them but the middle is still a chunk of frost. So the whole thing ends up being inedible.

She lies to me about wanting me there, then she adds insult to injury by outright admitting the last thing she wants is me there, but at the same time a part of her does want me there. She's impossible.

I mocked her for the religion thing. She knew I was just doing that to be me, I don't actually care. She's not doing this for the religion. She's doing it so she can show off her bundle of drool to her friends and family and so she'll have lots of pictures of happy smiling people to show said bundle when she grows up. It's a religious thing, but her motives are secular. Like when Wilson gets me a Christmas present. He's probably the only Jewish guy in the world who gives Christmas presents to non-Christians.

It always comes back to Wilson.


	35. The Softer Side

**A/N:** I really liked this episode. Just putting that out there.

**Recap:** House discovers methadone, which eliminates his leg pain. It puts him in an un-Houseian happy mood and also causes him to stop breathing. Wilson freaks out about the danger House puts himself in, but he hires a hooker to make sure the breathing thing doesn't happen again. He appears to be happy on the drug, so Wilson decides it could be best for him. Cuddy gives House an ultimatum, the drug or his job, he chooses the drug, but she changes her mind and asks him to come back. House decides to go off the drugs because his good mood caused him to make a decision that ended up causing patient problems.

The Softer Side

I know it's just an excuse. Most people would have given him the MRI. And even if I had refused the MRI, there's no way I could have known it would be dangerous for him. And it could just as easily have worked the other way around, we could have found something on the MRI that saved his life. The MRI that I only ordered because I was in a good mood. Because my leg didn't hurt for the first time since the ketamine.

My leg not hurting doesn't make me a worse doctor. It might actually make me a better doctor. This was just one little accident that would have happened to anyone, it had nothing to do with my leg being okay. It's just an excuse.

Cuddy said I'm afraid of being happy. She's wrong. It's not being happy I'm afraid of. It's having the happiness yanked from me. She was emulating Wilson today, she said I was afraid of change. Yeah.

The happiest I've been in the last five years was when I saw Wilson in the car driving me to my dad's funeral and when I got the ketamine treatment and my leg was better. But then the ketamine wore off and everything sucked again.

I take a zillion Vicodin every day. When the pain first started, I didn't take that many. For the past few days I've been taking a specific dose of methadone and it's worked great.

Until I build up a tolerance to it and need more.

And my leg will start hurting again.

And I'll take some more. And then I'll stop breathing and die.

Wilson was really worried about me. That was cool. He was so mad that I drank the bourbon, knowing I was on drugs, and he was mad at me for not telling him. But mostly he was mad at me for risking my life.

I mean, it's in his nature, he's a serial carer. But he was even more freaked out than Cuddy was.

Of course, he is single right now, and Cuddy is too but she still has ten pounds of fat and skin in a diaper at home that she needs to care about first. If Amber were still alive Wilson might not even have noticed.

Oh, quit it with the self pity. Get over it. You're just whiny because the methadone is starting to wear off and your leg's hurting again. You're used to it. Get the fuck over it.

I don't know why I even started the methadone. I guess I just wanted to see if it would work.

This is really fucked up, but part of me was really hoping it wouldn't work, because then I wouldn't have to get my hopes up. Now I know what I'm giving up.

Starting the methadone was like kissing Cuddy. It was nice while it lasted, but it really was a bad idea because I know it's impossible in the long term. Just a little taste, a teaser. This is what your life could be like, except it can't because it will only end in problems. I mean, worse problems than those that already exist.


	36. The Social Contract

**Recap:** Wilson lies to House about not liking monster trucks because he has plans to see his brother Daniel for the first time in years and he doesn't want House to find out. House inevitably finds out anyway and offers to go with him. Wilson and House discuss how they don't have a social contract–they don't tell each other lies to make the other person feel better.

The Social Contract

So that's why Wilson likes me.

He's always gotta be Wilson, he's always gotta be perfect, the guy everyone loves. But that's not really who he is, he has to work to be that person. It's who he wants to be, because the one time he did act like a normal human being it ended up hurting his brother and he doesn't want to let something like that happen again. But it's not really who he is.

With me, he doesn't have to pretend to be perfect and happy. He doesn't have to feed me platitudes. He doesn't have to lie to me to make me feel better because he knows that's not what I want.

I'm...refreshing.

Even if the truth hurts me, it's better than a lie.

And it's not worth it to try to lie because I always find out the truth anyway. Sometimes it takes seconds, sometimes weeks or even months, but I find out. I either sneak around and snoop or I push him until he snaps and just tells me, but I find out. So he knows it's not worth it to lie, even when he's trying to protect me, because I won't let myself be protected by lies.

And it's his...calling...to try and protect people. Help them. Fix them. But it's different with me.

I'm unfixable. Lying to me isn't going to help me. Telling the truth doesn't change anything. It is what it is.

It's like monster trucks.

He didn't want to tell me about Danny, so he pretended not to like monster trucks so he wouldn't have to go with me and he'd be free to go see his brother. But if he really didn't like monster trucks, then he would have been lying to me all these years to make me feel better. Just doing it because I want to do it. Like going to see a ballet with a wife.

No. It's not like that with me. I don't want him to lie to me to make me feel better. And he knows that. If he really didn't like monster trucks, he should have told me the first time I suggested it. Because that's how we work. That's our social contract.

And it works both ways. I don't lie to him to make him feel better. I tell the truth to make him feel better. I can lie to him to mess with him or keep secrets from him, or I can lie to preserve my own self-interests. But I can't give him false comfort. If that's the guy he needs, I'm done.

But I don't think he does. He gets that from everyone else. Everyone else loves him, or loves his persona, who they think he is. They follow the social contract, they do what they think they're supposed to do, what they think helps.

I'm different. Wilson needs that. So I'm good for him. And he actually sees that. Maybe he'll keep me around. I can't give him everything, but I can give him stuff no one else can. I can be me. He needs me. I'm a tether to reality.

It's good to know I serve a purpose in his life.


	37. Simple Explanation

**A/N:** Let's take a moment of silence for Lawrence Kutner...

**Recap:** Kutner commits suicide. House is obsessed with finding out why, any signs he was depressed that he missed. Wilson first thinks it's about the puzzle, then thinks House is worried that he's losing his touch. The only clue House finds is a single picture of Kutner looking sad amongst the dozens of him looking happy.

Simple Explanation

...

What is there to say?

There was no way I could have known. There was no way any of us could have known, but I should have. But I couldn't have. He had friends, he stayed close with his parents. He had people he could have talked to. He didn't. He didn't want anyone to know.

I should have known anyway.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't have done anything differently.

I could have left suicide pamphlets on the table in the conference room, but Kutner's not an idiot. He's seen after school specials. He knows what's out there. He could have fixed this if he'd wanted to.

He was the last person any of us expected. Taub hates his life, Thirteen's already dying, Foreman doesn't seem to care about anything. Kutner appeared happy.

There was one thing...

This patient kept attempting suicide. He was in pain, like me only different. He didn't want to live with it anymore. So he tried to die. Taub kept judging him for it. Kutner was very defensive of the whole suicide thing. Maybe not...supportive of it. But defensive.

I couldn't have known just from that. And it was months ago.

He was...bubbly. He was a little kid. It was easy to forget his life sucked. Well it seemed that way on the outside. But his life didn't suck anymore. He loved his job, he had people he loved, he had fun. Why now?

I couldn't have known. But that doesn't help.

Nothing will bring him back, but knowing why would help. Getting closure would help. Knowing if I did anything wrong would help.

My life sucks, but I'm still gonna keep living it. I'm not gonna die on purpose. If it happens, it happens, but I'm not gonna...

He had more to live for than I do. All I've got is my job and Wilson. If both of those things were taken from me, I'd consider it. Wilson was gone for awhile, but he came back. Maybe if he died...but Wilson's not gonna die. He can't.

He's depressed too. Or at least he was. But all that's happened since then is his girlfriend died. He can't be better. He's got to still be depressed. I'd hate him if he killed himself.

Why'd he do it?

It must not have been worth it. The job, the people.

Why not? He liked his job, and for god's sake, we're doctors, we save lives. It's fulfilling, if you're into that kind of stuff. And he had...loved ones. Maybe not a girlfriend, but he was young, there was plenty of time. What was so wrong with his life that it wasn't worth living anymore?

This sucks.

I'm smart. I figure out people's motives all the time. I'm usually several steps ahead of them. If it's interesting enough for me to care, I figure out why people do what they do.

At least if I lose a patient, I can do an autopsy. Figure out what we missed.

Kutner...I'm not just baffled. I don't know now and I never will.


	38. Saviors

**Recap:** Everyone is still getting over Kutner's suicide. To try and make House feel better, Wilson screws with him by eating only healthy food because he knows House won't steal it that way. It takes House a long time to figure out what he's up to. He also incorrectly guessed Cameron's motives for helping with their case and he didn't come up with a patient idea. He's worried he's losing it. But he ends up solving the case anyway and figuring out why Wilson was eating healthy. Just when he's sort of feeling better, he sees Amber in his apartment and she starts talking to him.

Saviors

And this day was going so well too.

Wilson and I are better than we've been since she...since you died. Screwing with me was probably about the only thing that would have sort of made me feel better, and he knew it, and it worked. I didn't figure it out as quickly as I should have but I did figure it out.

Why are you here?

What's wrong with me?

I'm sick. I must be sick.

But why are you here? Why not Kutner? It's a little late for you, isn't it?

Even Wilson's starting to move on. He's seeing someone. It won't last, it's another one of his recipe for disaster girls, but he's seeing someone.

And he's trying to put his life back to normal. He...he's getting over your death and I'm getting over Kutner's death. Everybody dies. The rest of us are supposed to keep living.

You're not supposed to be here.

And I'm not supposed to see you. I didn't even love you. I didn't even like you.

But I did kill you. I tried to risk my life to save you, but it was too late. At least I gave you a few minutes with him. But it might have been easier for both of you if you just went.

Why am I talking to you? You're not Amber. Your my subconscious. Stop talking to it like it's Amber. It's just presenting itself in the form of Amber. Amber is dead and gone. She has no consciousness. She'll never know that you said these things to your hallucination.

But why is it here?

What's wrong with me?

It's not her, but it's her for a reason.

It shouldn't even be here.

Have I been drugged? Who would have drugged me and why? Is there something wrong with my brain?

That would explain it. I'm missing things. I missed Kutner's depression, I missed Cameron and Chase's reaction to his suicide, I missed Wilson's successful attempt to screw with me for much longer than I should have. I've got a brain tumor.

Unless it's not a brain tumor. Unless it's something else. Something not fixable. Or what if it's a brain tumor that's not fixable?

I'll get it fixed. It's a hallucination, not a delusion. I know she's dead. I know she's not real. I don't know why it's her.

She was a lot like me. Similar personality, same taste in jobs, we both love Wilson. Kutner was too happy. Except that he actually wasn't, or he wouldn't have killed himself.

It can't be Kutner because I don't know Kutner because if I'd known Kutner I would have known he was depressed. The guy I knew wasn't Kutner.

Amber I know because she's me. So she's here because she's me.

It's not because I killed her. If it had been because I killed her, I would have seen her after she died, not after Kutner died.

It's not because of Wilson because then I would have seen her when he left.

But there was nothing wrong with me then. Well, apart from the obvious. There's something wrong with me now. But she's not haunting me, her death was too long ago. She's...she's like me.

Technically she is me, because she's a hallucination, it really is just my mind. So it would have been me no matter who it was. But since she's already so much like me, my brain decided to pick her because it can more easily accept whatever I say through her as something she would say.

But it still doesn't explain why you're here.


	39. House Divided

**A/N:** Since I'm picking apart House's brain, and right now Amber is in House's brain, I felt it was appropriate to make some of the thoughts her thoughts since, well, she's him. It's a little different from what I usually do, but I thought it was interesting.

**Recap:** House thinks he's hallucinating Amber due to lack of sleep, but she starts giving him good ideas, so he keeps not sleeping in order to keep her around. But one of her "good ideas" nearly kills Chase, so he gets Cuddy to give him sleeping pills so he can get some sleep and get rid of her. He gets a full night's sleep, wakes up, and she's still there.

House Divided

So something's seriously wrong with me. I'm sick. And this...subconscious part of my brain is dangerous. You haven't been right about one thing.

_I was right about a couple of things._

But not about what the patient had. It was the team that figured it out. I helped them along the way, but I would have done it without your help. I would have done it just the same.

_I'm you. Just the same, you would have come up with the same wrong ideas. And you still would have hired Karamel._

No. It would have occurred to me that she would give him an allergic reaction. I didn't think about it because I trusted you.

_You should trust me. I'm in your own head. Don't you trust your own mind anymore?_

...

_You're not answering. Why aren't you answering?_

...

_You don't trust your own mind anymore?_

I don't know. All I know is I want you gone. You're affecting my judgement.

_I'm not affecting your judgement. The fact that you're hallucinating means that there's something wrong with your brain. You're worried that's affecting your judgement._

Yeah, I really needed you to tell me that. What's wrong with me? Can you tell me what's wrong with me?

_I could give you a list of things it could be. I can't tell you what it is. I only know what you know._

Do you know why you're here?

_I've given you my theories on that one. It's either because of Kutner or because of Wilson._

If it were about Kutner, I would be hallucinating Kutner.

_So it's because of me. Kutner reminded you of me._

Why are you saying "me" like you're really Amber. You're not. You're just my subconscious.

_But I'm taking the form of Amber. So...if it's not about Kutner, it must be about Wilson._

What about Wilson?

_He was my boyfriend._

No, he was Amber's boyfriend.

_I was in love with him._

Yeah, there's an original thought.

_When we were together, you were jealous of me._

And that couldn't just be because I missed my friend. So every preteen girl whose best friend gets replaced by a boy is now a lesbian?

_When I asked why you thought it was me, the first thing you said was that you wanted to get Wilson into bed with you._

My subconscious now doesn't understand sarcasm?

_You said it was a subconscious desire. Which makes sense, seeing as how you've spent years in denial. But I am your subconscious. And I'm taking the form of a girl who really was in love with Wilson. So you were being sarcastic, but it was still true. Subconsciously, you are in love with James Wilson._

Well, ordinarily I'd believe you, but...seeing as how you were wrong about the eosinophilic pneumonitis...

_Yes, but this was your idea too. You know it's true._

Yeah, if only Wilson could see the visual form of my subconscious. Then maybe he'd make out with one of us.

_So...you're afraid to face the truth because you know he'll never feel the same way?_

I'm afraid to face the truth because the truth is that you shouldn't be here. The fact that you are here means that there's something wrong with me. Something that might not get fixed. Something that could fuck up the rest of my life. The last thing on my mind right now is whether I'll become the fourth Mrs. Wilson.

_Obviously not._


	40. Under My Skin

**A/N:** This was painful to write, knowing what the season finale brings.

**Recap: **House tells Wilson he's hallucinating and has him oversee his patient decisions because he doesn't trust himself. They rule out every cause of the hallucinations except for the Vicodin. House agrees to go to a detox facility until he realizes he'll just cheat. Instead he asks Cuddy to help him, she goes home with him. She helps him detox, in the morning when he's feeling better she admits in fewer words that she loves him and they have sex.

Under My Skin

Problems solved. I feel better, Amber's gone, and now I've got Cuddy. She loves me, I love her, she wants me, I want her. She's just helped me through one of the most difficult times in my life. If we can get through this, which we did, we can get through anything.

I'm better. She didn't let me get any of the pills. She got rid of them. The one she missed, she still got it before I did and she flushed it.

And she's not Wilson.

She loves me most. I was needy last night, but she's not Wilson. That's not why she loves me. She loves me because she loves me.

She could have gone home to her baby. But she didn't. She knew I needed her. Her baby's not gonna remember the one night mamma wasn't there when she needed her. I'd remember this night she's not there when I need her.

But she was there. She cared. She loves me. Most. I'm that important to her. She's crazy about me.

I feel good. Why do I feel so good? If I'd known I could feel this good off Vicodin I'd have quit a long time ago. I mean, if I'd had Cuddy there to help me quit Vicodin in all her different ways.

Things are actually turning around.

Ordinarily I might be worried that this Vicodin thing won't last, except that not only do I feel better (obviously I was okay enough to engage in hot passionate sex), I also know that Cuddy is here for me. She always will be. She loves me. She wants to be there for me. She won't let me slip up. She cares too much. She's going to be here with me, for me. She'll make everything better. I got through it because of her.

It worked. It was so simple. Amber is gone. The only one here is Cuddy, the woman I love who loves me back.

Wilson couldn't do what she did. He doesn't love me like she does. He just wanted to hand me off to someone else. Bring me to a facility, make me someone else's problem so you don't have to deal with me. He'd never sit with me through the night. When I ODed he just saw that I was conscious and left. No way he'd see me through a detox. He might even give me the pills. He is an enabler, after all.

Cuddy doesn't let me run rampant. She's perfect for me. She knows exactly how far to let me take it and she knows when to make me stop. She's my perfect match.

I am really in a good mood right now. I guess mind blowing sex with the woman you love (especially when she's as hot as Cuddy) will do that to you. When I was in a good mood because the methadone fixed my leg the first thing Wilson assumed was that Cuddy and I slept together. That makes sense. This is fucking awesome. I feel good.

I feel like my life is turning around. Like I'm not going to be miserable for awhile. Like this problem, the hallucinating thing, it's solved, it's fixed, the burden's gone, I don't have to worry anymore. And also someone loves me. She puts me first. She's there for me when I need her. And she's good in bed.

Everything always goes wrong for me, but now...something's actually going right. Something has actually gone right. And she must have been right about the opiate thing–my leg doesn't even really hurt that much. No more than usual.

Things are going to change. I'm clean, I'm sober, and I've got Cuddy. She's here for me. She loves me.

And I'm not scared of this change. This is a good thing. This is going to be a good thing. It's not going to go wrong. I've finally got what I wanted. And what I needed.


	41. Both Sides Now

**Recap:** House is actually happy because he thinks he's sober and about to start a relationship with Cuddy. Then a confrontation in their office makes him realize he's been hallucinating nonstop since he came to her office the other night, she never came over, they never had sex, and he's been taking Vicodin all day without even knowing it. Cuddy asks if he's okay, he says no, she takes him to Wilson, Wilson takes him to Mayfield, they look at each other as he walks in.

Both Sides Now

Wow.

I really fucked that one up, didn't I?

All right, I'm scared now. This is a change. A fucking huge change. And I have no idea what's going to happen and I have no idea if it's going to work. I don't know if I can make her go away. I don't know if I can really stay off Vicodin. I don't know if I'll ever practice medicine again. I don't even know if I'll ever see Wilson again. I don't know anything that's going to happen to me.

Yeah, that fucking terrifies me.

Actually, there is one thing I know.

They're going to make me get off the drugs.

And it's going to hurt.

I'm scared of that too.

I don't want to be here.

I need to be here, because I want things to be the way they were before, before I started seeing Amber and Cuddy and Kutner and lipstick tubes. But they can't. The only way to come close is to get this problem fixed. And I don't even know if they can do that. It might not work. I might cheat. I'll sure as hell try, once the withdrawal gets bad. I want it to work, but I don't know if it will. I really don't know anything except that what's coming up is going to hurt.

Pain and fear. That's what my life is right now.

I don't know how long it's going to be that way.

This isn't a rehab facility. It's a mental institution. They don't just want to clean me, they want to fix me.

I could stay here forever.

Will it be easy to cheat? It was easy last time. But I don't want it to be easy. I want it to be impossible. I want this to work, I do, or I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have told Cuddy the truth that I'm not okay, I wouldn't have let Wilson take me here. I want to stop hallucinating and stop being in so much pain and just do my job and solve puzzles and save people and look at Cuddy's breasts and steal Wilson's french fries.

But I can't anymore. I've totally fucked Cuddy over. I might never work again. The damage the fucking Vicodin did might be permanent, and Amber will haunt me for the rest of my life.

And nothing will ever fix the pain.

Withdrawal's a bitch.

I'm not looking forward to this.

It's times like this when I wish I was like other people, like I could believe it when people tell me it's going to be okay even when the chances of it really being okay are slim to none. I want to believe that I will get through the next few days of withdrawal, that the pain won't be unbearable, that my hallucinations will go away and I will come out of this place healthy and well and my job will be waiting for me and Wilson won't have gotten married again in my absence and he'll want to stay with me to make sure I'm okay and better and then just never leave and I will be happy. Yeah, I want to believe that.

But I don't.

I can't.

I know it's more likely than not that none of those things will happen. Bad things happen to people sometimes. And they don't always go away. Most of the bad things that happen to me don't go away. Namely my leg and Stacy. My shitty childhood went away, even though I still have to live with remembering it.

But this might not go away.

I don't even know if I can stay clean. When I start getting that desperate the only way I'm getting sober is if they force me. Which they may or may not have the power to do.

I don't know. That scares me.

Knowing is always better than not knowing. I've always been frantic to know as much as possible about as much as possible. I always want to know everything. Not knowing sucks. It more than sucks. It's one of the worst things.

I know a lot of things. Most of them are not going to make this easier for me.

This is stupid, but since I'm being honest enough to admit how terrified I am I might as well admit I wish Wilson had done more than just stare at me. He could have touched me or something. He doesn't do that a lot, but he does sometimes. Usually I don't like being touched, but I never complain when he does it. I am human. People need touch, don't they? And seeing how Wilson's about the only person I trust right now...

At least I've got him.

I was so wrong. I really believed Cuddy had come home with me and helped me. I thought she loved me most, more than Wilson did because she actually stayed with me whereas he just wanted to toss me into some clinic. I was so high. I had to have been, to really think that. She doesn't love me. She doesn't even care. She's at Chase and Cameron's wedding. She's not even bothering to come with. She's the one who dumped me on another person so she wouldn't have to handle me. She dumped me on Wilson.

And he was here. He ditched the wedding to drive me here. He could have asked me to wait, he could have called me a cab, but he didn't. He drove with me.

Maybe he's not doing it out of love. He might just as easily be doing it out of guilt. But he did it. Even if it is guilt, he wouldn't feel guilt unless he loved me to some degree, and any degree is more than Cuddy loves me.

An employee. All I am to her. She doesn't care about me any more than she cares about Chase or Cameron or Foreman or any of the others.

Wilson cares. Maybe just because he's not engaged to his brother's nurse yet, but he cares. He cares enough to know that being in a facility is what I need. He's not equipped to deal with trying to get me clean. I know him, it would be too easy for me to manipulate him and get drugs and go through hours of withdrawal just to have to start all over again. He's not dumping me on someone else because he doesn't want to deal with me. He's dumping me on someone else because he loves me enough to give me what I need. He has to.

Even if it's just Wilson best friend love, I need it. I need him to love me because I'm so insanely in love with him.

It's always been him. I've risked my life for his happiness without hesitation, I'm happiest when I'm with him, I need to see him or talk to him every day, I always hate when he puts someone else before me because I'll always put him first and I'll always love him most. I can't not love him. It's a permanent state.

It's the one permanent thing in my life. Maybe that's why I'm clinging to it. My world is being turned upside down, I might never practice medicine again and I might never be sane again, but I will always be in love with Wilson. In years nothing has changed that. My recognition of it has changed, but the fact itself hasn't.

Wilson...

I'm scared. I don't know what's going to happen. But I'm here to hopefully make my life better. If not better than usual, then at least better than the last couple of weeks. I am doing it for me, but Wilson...

I'm doing it for you.

**A/N:** I'd like to continue this, but in order for that to happen I'll need to A) find time which may be hard to come by now that vacation is over and B) find a website where I can watch full season six episodes. But if and when those things things happen I will update again. Until then...

Oh and I'd like to thank all of my reviewers, particularly paulac45 and pgrabia who review like every chapter, that's really going above and beyond for a story with this many chapters. Thanks so much.


	42. Broken

**A/N:** I'm back. These probably won't be as frequent as before, but I promise I haven't forgotten this story.

**Recap:** House detoxes from Vicodin and wants to leave Mayfield, but he won't be able to practice medicine without a green light from Dr. Nolan. He tries several different tactics to get the doctors to let him leave, all of which fail. It takes the near death of another patient at House's hands for him to admit he needs help. House tells Nolan he wants to be happy. Nolan takes House to a party, where Lydia kisses him. House tries to push her away but they have sex anyway. When she ends it, he goes to Nolan, who recognizes that House is better and releases him.

Broken

He wants me to connect to people. I don't want to because it always ends with me getting hurt. Always. Every connection I've ever made with anyone...Stacy, Cuddy, Lydia. Even Wilson, except what's worse about that is that even when he hurts me I can't stay away, so I just get hurt over and over again. But he still wants me to connect to people. Learn to trust. Why? Does he want me to hurt?

No. Connections may end badly, but like Lydia said, they don't always start out that way. They can be good during. So Lydia and Nolan think that the good stuff that happens during the relationship outweighs the suckiness that happens when the relationship ends.

Depends.

Lydia wasn't worth it. The sex was good, sure, and I liked her, but...well it was because I liked her that it sucked. Ironic, I get myself into a relationship that ends with me getting hurt and then I get rewarded by getting my life back.

Relationships make people happy. Most people. A relationship could make me happy, if I really liked the person and if it didn't end. Well, maybe it couldn't make me happy, but it could make me feel happy sometimes.

Wilson does that. My relationship with him...obviously I'm not happy, but when I'm with him I feel happy sometimes. It's still destructive. Even though he can't leave the way Lydia did he still leaves sometimes, physically and emotionally, and that always hurts. But I'm always gonna come back to him. He's all I've got.

Which I guess is probably a bad thing. Because if that does end, for good, I'd be way more screwed than I am now. That's why I can't tell him...that thing I figured out when I came here.

I don't know what I expected with Lydia. She was...part of a different life. They all were. There's Mayfield, and there's Princeton. Two separate worlds, two separate lives. No Lydia in Princeton, no Wilson in Mayfield.

He made that pretty clear when he hung up on me.

I know he just did it to help me, and I guess obviously it worked. The only thing that got me out of here was doing what I was supposed to do. And the first step of that was recognising that I needed something done. Which wouldn't have happened if Wilson had allowed me to blackmail Nolan.

It's gonna be weird, going back to that other life again. It's another change. I mean, I wanna go back. I wanna see Wilson again and I want to practice medicine again. But I am a little...apprehensive. It will be different. I got comfortable here. I got comfortable with Alvie, with everyone.

A huge part of my comfort with my old life was Vicodin. Since I don't have that anymore, there isn't much left to be comfortable with. I'm sure Cuddy still hates me for announcing to the hospital that I slept with her. And everyone there, including my team, probably thinks I'm crazy, so they'll act different around me and it will be weird and the comfort will be gone.

And Wilson...I don't even know how different it's going to be with Wilson. We haven't talked in...a while. He's probably married and divorced again. But he'll act different around me. He'll care, I guess, but he'll be cautious. It won't be the same. Definitely not right away.

Also there's that little thing about me being in love with him.

I guess that doesn't change anything. I've always been in love with him, I just haven't admitted it. Obviously I'm not gonna say or do anything about it now.

I'm not gonna tell Nolan either. He'll probably just tell me to tell Wilson, which I won't do. I can't. He'll probably leave again. It's way too dangerous. I can only handle so much change in my life at once.

And Wilson...he's just as bad with change as I am. Seriously. I don't even know if he can love me that way, so I'm sure he never will. It took me six years to admit it, even if he did feel something it'd probably take him more like sixty. No. It's not happening. Status quo. Unchanging. It's the safest thing.

Nolan wants me to make connections with other people, trust them even though it's risky. Maybe I can give that a shot, maybe.

But not with Wilson. I can't risk him.


	43. Epic Fail

**A/N:** This would be about a zillion times easier if season six were on DVD already, but whatever.

**Recap:** House quits his job because he thinks it will prevent him from staying "okay." Cuddy thinks House left because of her, he says that's not why. His leg has been hurting worse since he quit, distractions like cooking and TV don't work. He goes to his apartment, finds a stash of Vicodin, and goes online to solve his team's case. Nolan decides that going back to his job would be better for his recovery than staying away from it.

Epic Fail

I'm still scared. Or maybe I'm scared again, I don't know. If I believed in god I think he'd be mocking me right now. The only way to keep me away from Vicodin is to distract me, and the only thing that works is doing my job. But going back to my job is dangerous because that's part of my old life and my old life included Vicodin. And the last thing, honestly the last thing I want is to go back to Vicodin. Part of the reason why I moved in with Wilson was because my old apartment not only has Vicodin stashed away in it, it's part of my old life. The other reason is so that he can babysit me and make sure I don't slip, at least while we're both there. I mean, if I still wanted to take it it would be too easy. I almost did take it. Damn leg.

And it's not even the damn leg. If it were, it wouldn't have gotten better once I started solving medical puzzles again. It's my damn brain. Doesn't it realise I'd rather feel boredom than physical pain?

Maybe I'd rather feel physical pain than emotional pain. Or maybe that's what my brain thinks. Physical pain I know how to deal with. Emotional pain...they don't have Vicodin to fix that. The stuff they have to fix that just screws with you and doesn't even really help. Of course, Vicodin screwed with me too and it didn't really help either.

But I don't have...emotional pain right now. I'm fine right now. Wilson didn't get married while I was gone, Cuddy doesn't even hate me. I'm better than I've been. Nothing's gonna happen with Wilson, but I never expected anything to in the first place, and we're closer than we've been since Amber died. I'm staying with him. We...took a cooking class together. I did his laundry. I've been making sex jokes. Wilson...this is as good as it gets. It's...it's all I'm going to get, so I guess it's enough. Wilson and I are fine, and even Cuddy and I are fine. She explicitly said she didn't trust me because I was an addict, but I didn't expect anything else from her. I'm fine.

My leg didn't start getting worse until I quit.

Did that cause emotional pain?

I didn't think it did. Why would leaving my job hurt me?

I love my job. It's...a pretty big part of me. But Vicodin was also a big part of me. But my job was a part of me before Vicodin was, and it's...probably one of the only things I'm somewhat proud of.

So I didn't want to leave my job. Without my job, all I've got is Wilson, and that's not enough because I might not always have him. I wish I could trust that he'll be here forever and even though he won't love me the way I love him we'll still have the best friend thing. But I don't know that. I know from experience that just when we start to get close he goes and finds someone else. A woman. It's what he does. I don't know how long it will be this time, but it will happen. And then I won't have him anymore.

So I need my job. It's not healthy for Wilson to be the only significant thing in my life. Nolan wouldn't recommend it. And for now, I'm kind of trusting him. Not quite enough to tell him how much Wilson really means to me, but enough to let him dictate the terms on which I live my life.

Because I don't trust myself. When I was in charge, I fucked it up big time. I don't want to do that again. Listening to Nolan has...so far, it's worked. I got out. My life is better than it's been in...months. Maybe even years. Not sure yet.

I wonder if it could even get better.

But I know one thing, it can definitely get worse. That's what's scary about getting better, that I can always go back to worse. That's why I'm unsure about going back to my job. But I need to. I need it. If I don't, going back to worse is almost a sure thing.

And that scares me.


	44. The Tyrant

**Recap:** House got into a fight with Wilson's neighbour, who threatened to press charges against House, so Wilson wanted to kick him out. He said he trusted House to understand it was for the best. House fixes the neighbour's arm, he tells Wilson he won't press charges even if House stays, Wilson decides to give House the benefit of the doubt.

The Tyrant

Yeah, see, it's only when it's convenient for him that he's my friend. I know that guy totally would have pressed charges and I know Wilson just didn't want me to end up in jail, but he didn't need to kick me out. We could have just found another apartment. One where I don't have to sleep on the couch. I don't think he really wants me there. It's been less than a month, and he's already looking for excuses to get rid of me.

Lucky for me I'm not that easy to get rid of. I'm not above breaking and entering and drugging someone and tying them up so that I won't have to move out. I mean yeah, I also relate to the guy because he's in constant pain and I wish someday someone would drug me and tie me up and fix my leg, but life doesn't work that way. Mostly it was so I wouldn't have to leave. Wilson...living with him helps. I lie there at night, I know he's there. Sometimes when it's quiet I can even hear him breathing from down the hall. It's...comforting. Having him there. I...I need that.

In Mayfield, it wasn't him, but there was always someone there. Either Alvie, and even before him, people in the hallways. The building was full of people. There was always someone there. Being alone sucks. It helps to have someone there. And Wilson...I want it to be him. I like knowing that he's there. When I get home from work before him, I know he's coming, and when he gets home first I walk in and he's there. Wilson...he's good to have around. He doesn't even have to do anything. It's just that he's there.

He doesn't realize it. I couldn't tell him this. He'd probably think it was weak or something. Needing him there. Well I don't want to need it, but I do. If I were alone...I might screw it up. If the pain gets bad, or...I don't even know.

Nothing has happened yet. I haven't had to call him in the middle of the night and tell him I want pills and I'm scared I might slip. But if it were to happen, he would be there. And I don't know if he would sit with me and help me or get exasperated and just go back to sleep, but if I were alone we all know what would happen. Being alone is a bad idea. I've been alone too long. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't think I can handle it. Wilson...

He doesn't know what he's doing for me. Just by being in the room, being down the hall...he doesn't know how much that helps me. And I can't tell him. We don't do that. We don't talk about our feelings. Even if I tried, he'd just get uncomfortable with the situation and change the subject. I mean, I wouldn't even bring it up because I'd be too uncomfortable with it.

He should just know. It would be easier if he just knew. Do I depend on anyone else the way I depend on him? No. He's the only person in my life that I can sort of trust and that I actually care about. But I'm selfish. I don't care about him for him, I care about him because I need him. He should figure that out.


	45. Brave Heart

**Recap: **Wilson turns his and Amber's old bedroom, which is now the study, into a second bedroom for House. House hears voices when he's in there and freaks out until he realises it's just Wilson talking to Amber before bed every night.

Brave Heart

Which first, good news or bad news?

Bad news, Wilson has grudgingly accepted I'm staying rather than wanting me to stay. He told me he "didn't expect [me] to be here this long."

Good news, I'm not going crazy, what I thought were auditory hallucinations was just Wilson's voice sounding weird through the vent when he talks to his dead girlfriend.

Bad news, he'd rather talk to her than me, he explained that talking to me doesn't help and talking to her does.

I guess the good news still outweighs the bad news. For awhile there I really thought there was something wrong with me. I was ready to give up my job again. Damn Wilson. He really loved her. It's been over a year, he even dated someone else for awhile, but still...I mean, they only dated for a couple of months. He didn't even know her that long. And he still...it's been over a year, and he talks to her every night.

Is it really her he loves anymore? It's gotta be the idea of her.

He's like Cameron. She married a guy and he died, all they had were good times, she lost him when they were still in the honeymoon phase, when she still put him on a pedestal. Same thing with Wilson. Yeah, maybe the relationship would have lasted, he sure had a better shot with her than he would have with anyone else, but it wouldn't have been perfect forever. He loves the perfection. The only thing they fought about was when he tried to do something nice for her after she told him not to.

I wouldn't have wanted Wilson to get my mattress either. I would have wanted him to get his mattress, and then I would have bought my mattress by myself and switched them.

I wonder if he realises that. He's not talking to Amber anymore. He's talking to a being he created in his mind that symbolises the perfect relationship.

It makes him happy.

It was dumb, when I was bitter that he didn't talk to me instead. When do I ever give him a chance. When he comes home, I don't say, "Hi honey, how's your day been?" I say "Grab me a beer while you're in the kitchen." Besides, his regimen is to do it before he goes to sleep every night, and even though I think me moving into his bedroom would have solved the couch problem just as easily as moving into the study, I'm not a pillow talk kind of guy.

He talked about me a little bit. When I overheard him. I wonder if he does that a lot. He doesn't talk about his old life with her, or what would have been if she'd lived, he talks about his life right now, what's going on right now. I'm what's going on right now.

I guess it's probably healthy for him. It's a coping mechanism. His way of moving on. Moving on without forgetting her. He doesn't want to forget her. He was crazy about her. Almost as much as I...

I'm flirting with Cuddy again. It's easy, it comes natural. She somehow forgave me for yelling from the rooftops (okay, the mezzanine) that we fucked, and she still likes me. I knew that nothing could happen before, I knew we could never last, but now that I've admitted, at least to myself, how I feel about Wilson, there's just no way.

I still like her. I still like flirting with her. I'd still like to sleep with her. But I know I can't love her the way I...

We still wouldn't last. But maybe I could use her. As a distraction. Wilson's gonna find someone else soon, I can tell, he already kind of wants me out. It always hurts, but when it happens now it's gonna be worse because now I'm not in denial about how I feel and now I don't have Vicodin to dull the pain.

So I don't think I'd say no to a relationship with her right now. I don't know how long it would last, and I know it's a bad idea, but it might be a good idea. Something to fall back on. Something to distract from Wilson. An outlet.

Wilson talks to his dead girlfriend at night. He's in love with her. He can't...he won't be in love with me.


	46. Known Unknowns

**A/N:** I really liked this episode. And not just because this is the episode with my profile pic.

**Recap:** Encouraged by Wilson, House tries to pursue a relationship with Cuddy, even admitting he's always been interested in her, but when he tries to show her he can be there for her, he finds that she's in a relationship with Lucas. Also, Wilson wants to present a paper that would be career suicide. House tries to talk him out of it until Wilson points out it's something House would do, so House drugs him and presents the paper as his own under a fake name.

Known Unknowns

I think I was too subtle for him. Damn Wilson. Why doesn't anyone else get subtle? That's all I can be, when it comes to anything serious. Cuddy...it's not important. She can fuck whoever she wants, she just doesn't have to lie about it. You're doing Lucas. Great. So why the hell do you keep flirting with me? If you want me, want me, dump him, and come to me. If you don't, then leave me the fuck alone. Don't go and tell me that you were wooed by my insatiable charm and ruggedly handsome good looks back in med school to the point of following me around until you got a chance to jump me. Honestly–why the hell would she tell me that and then go "Yeah, by the way, I'm fucking someone else, so you can just go jump in the lake." Just say it to my face. It's not that I'm not responsible enough, it's that you're already with someone. Yeah, you're with him because you think he's better for you than me, but would you dump him if I were to prove you wrong?

It doesn't matter. All she'd do is distract me anyway. Damn Wilson doesn't get it. What does he tell me? You love her, show her you can be responsible. And when that doesn't work, what do I do? I prevent him from making the biggest career mistake of his life while still getting his paper out there and at the same time reassuring him (subtly, of course) that he is not a monster for putting people out of their misery and the fact that he's not superman doesn't make him worthless. See Wilson, look how responsible I can be? And who did I do it for? Cuddy? Yeah, must have been Cuddy. She's the one whose career I saved, the one I made feel better, and the one whose paper is now going to be the most talked about piece of publication in medicine since _Gray's Anatomy_. The actual book, not the TV show. Although...

But that just went right over his head. All right, maybe not completely. He got that I did it for him, he thanked me, but he didn't get...I don't know. He didn't get that I was doing the same thing for him that he suggested I do for Cuddy. I guess it doesn't make a difference. Even if he hadn't said that, I would have done it anyway. It's because of me he was going to give the presentation. He told me it's the type of thing I'd do, because it's the right thing to do even though it would have gotten him into trouble. Idiot. I get into trouble, no one notices because I'm already in deep shit, what with the addict thing and the mental hospital thing and the un-hireable thing. He gets into trouble, he loses more. It's okay for me. But anyway, it was my bad influence that inspired him to present his paper, and if it had gotten him into trouble it would have been my fault. I wouldn't let that happen to him. I'm not losing my best friend again, not while I can help it, and who knows how long that's going to be?

We had a moment, today. He was standing there, staring at me, and I was standing up there, telling him...well...I guess...what a great guy he is. I mean, not just great doctor. He always does his best, he always takes on responsibility. Hell, I even apologised for taking advantage of him. I was being candid. Well, as candid as I get. With him, anyway. And it wasn't entirely lost on him.

He knows why I did it. He was glad I did it. He...

...

I don't want to screw this up. I worry that I'm gonna, but I don't want to. We're doing good, Wilson and I. I'm almost glad Cuddy's otherwise occupied because even though I'll want her to turn to when Wilson lets me down again, for now I want to take what we have and run with it. I want her to distract me from Wilson because I know it's just going to end badly for me, but I don't want her to distract me from him because we're doing better than we've ever done. I'm living with him, he hasn't hinted that he wants me to leave in weeks, I did something nice for him and he appreciated it even if he wasn't completely aware of its significance. We had a moment. I...I haven't felt this close to him in...I don't know if I've ever felt this close to him. And it's just going to make it hurt that much more when he leaves me for another bimbo, but god I'm going to cling to it while I can.

And when it ends, when he kicks me out to make room for the next vagina, I'll have this. It will hurt, but I can remember, I can know there was a time when...not the way that I do, but...there was a time when it felt for awhile like he loved me. All right, that sounded a little gayer than I intended. Not as gay as I'd like it to be, but...well, whatever, for now I have this and I'm going to hang onto it for as long as possible.


	47. Ignorance is Bliss

**Recap:** House wants to break Cuddy and Lucas up. He gets Cuddy to invite him to Thanksgiving dinner, but she gives him a fake address. House breaks into Lucas's place and pretends to make a drunken confession of love for Cuddy, so Lucas reportedly breaks up with her to give the two of them a chance. House first tries to ask Cuddy out, then he tries to give her tickets to a kid thing to be nice, but she refuses to take them. House accepts it.

**A/N: **Had a minor freak out with this episode. Since I didn't remember what happened past the Cuddy being a mega bitch part, I actually believed House's "drunken" confession of love and thought it was messing with my plans. Imagine my thrill at discovering it was fake.

Ignorance is Bliss

Yeah. Well, I asked them both out, and they both turned me down. Well okay Wilson thought I was joking. He always thinks I'm joking when I flirt with him. Maybe because for a long time I told myself I was joking. No, I just didn't call it flirting. I could say the exact same sentence to Cuddy, Cameron, Thirteen, and Wilson, and with the first three I'd call it flirting but with him I wouldn't. Also, it'd be kind of hard to take me seriously since I was also explaining my plan to try and break Cuddy and Lucas up. Which I would obviously only do if I were interested in dating her. Which I would obviously only be if I were in love with her. Hasn't anyone figured out yet that I don't work that way?

Lucas believed me, but she either didn't or she didn't care. Why doesn't she want me? Obviously she does want me, part of her does. She flirts with me just as much as I flirt with her. Of course, she also sends me on a wild turkey chase, but...Lisa Cuddy, Dean of Medicine and Mixed Messages. Nah, she just doesn't know what she wants. She wants me, but she knows being with me would be a bad idea. It's not a rational decision, it's an emotional one. Logically, we shouldn't be together. It would be the biggest explosion since Hiroshima, but emotionally, we can't stay away from each other. I can't...compare it to Wilson, but it's there. We have a history. Something could have happened. Except for Stacy, I've loved her more than I've ever loved any other woman. Part of me probably always will. If we ever get together, even though I don't think it will work out, I want it to work out. I don't think I would want it to work out with anyone else. Except Stacy, and obviously Wilson. I can't see myself wanting to be with, wanting to be happy with, anyone else. And definitely no one else could distract from Wilson the way she could. I'm not interested enough in anyone else.

A couple of weeks ago, when I was trying to get Thirteen and Taub to rejoin the team, Thirteen said I couldn't just ask her because I was afraid of rejection. I didn't ask for an invitation to Cuddy's Thanksgiving dinner, but I did fish for one, and it still kind of sucked when she wouldn't give it to me. She dislikes me so much that she has no desire to see me outside of the hospital, even not on a date? I came up with an elaborate plan to stalk Cuddy and Lucas on Thanksgiving. What I didn't do was ask Wilson what he was doing for Thanksgiving. I recommended he come to Cuddy's sister's with me, but I didn't ask what he was doing. I never gave him an opportunity to tell me he did have plans but that they didn't include me. I don't know, Wilson's Wilson, if a hobo on the street asked him what his Thanksgiving plans were he'd probably get an invitation, but I guess I couldn't take the risk. All right, not the risk of him not inviting me, the risk of him not wanting me. Big difference. If I don't ask, I don't have to know the answer. I'm amending my worldview. Knowing is ^(almost) always better than not knowing. I think I'm pretty good when it comes to handling things, but I don't know if I can handle knowing Wilson doesn't want to be with me. And I only want to know the answer if I can handle the answer. It's one thing when Wilson's involved, when he's got some chick that causes him to replace his brain with his penis and since his penis isn't (consciously) interested in me, he forgets I exist. Then I know I come in third place instead of second and it sucks but I deal with it. Right now, though, unless he's hiding something, he's single. And when he's single, life sucks less for me and I can feel like he loves me enough to want to be with me. I like feeling that. If it's not even true, just...well, like I said, love isn't logical, it's emotional. While the logical side of me always wants the bare naked truth, the emotional side doesn't care if it's an illusion. When it comes to Wilson, I don't think I can be rational.


	48. Wilson

**Recap:** Wilson makes a bad call on a patient who also happens to be a friend, causing his liver to fail. The guy guilts Wilson into donating part of his liver, and Wilson gets into a fight with House but asks him to be there for him. House refuses, but goes anyway and is there for him when he wakes up and during his recovery. Cuddy wants to move in with Lucas but Wilson knows that will hurt House, so he outbids her for the condo so he can move there with House.

Wilson

We're doing all right. He...didn't think of me at all when he decided to do the surgery, but he did buy a condo for me. I mean, yeah it will be his name on the papers and he'll pay the mortgage and he'll probably kick me out a few more times, but it was still for me. Cuddy and Lucas want to move in together. Wilson didn't want to tell me because he thought it would hurt, but of course I found out anyway. The woman couldn't keep her mouth shut about it. So I found out, and Wilson decided to punish her for hurting me by buying the place out from under her. Either that or he just felt guilty for putting his life in jeopardy for a guy like Tucker. Asshole. Well, the point is Wilson _thinks _he did it for me. He thinks he's doing things for other people when he's really just trying to alleviate his guilt.

But the other thing is he got the place for both of us to live in. Two bedrooms, and like he said, a big fridge. He kicked me out again. He was kind of drunk, but he still said he wanted me gone. Again. Except this time he didn't pretend to have an excuse like the neighbour not liking me. He was just tired of having me around. But then, no, he's Wilson, he's not gonna just kick the poor drug-addicted cripple on his ass, he'll buy a condo with a big fridge and a second bedroom just for him.

But he still did it. And he still wanted me there with him for his surgery. He was happy to see me. He smiled. I mean, it was hard to tell because he had a mask over his face, but he smiled. And his eyes smiled. He wanted me to be there with him. He doesn't have anybody else right now, and he doesn't want to be alone.

Well I don't want to be alone either. And with Cuddy out the door, he's all I've got. I need him right now.

Nolan says I've got to trust people. Even though it ended badly with Lydia, he was glad that I connected with and trusted another human being. Does that mean I should try and trust Wilson? I analyse every little move he makes and show that even though it seems unselfish on the outside, on the inside it's really all for him. Should I not do that, then? If I trust him, I'll be let down. Which obviously shows I don't trust him. But he's my best friend. I want to trust him.

But people don't change.

Well, all right, Wilson got mad enough to buy a condo in my defence, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I want to think he's changing. We're doing better, I think. I'm a significant part of his life right now, probably the most significant part. He buys a condo, he asks me to be there for his surgery, he...we're close, right now. We're getting closer. Even if we never cross the line, him over the last couple months is the closest I've been to another person since Stacy. And I don't want to lose it. I think I will, and I don't know if I'm going to screw it up or if he is, but something this good can't last. So dawn goes down today. Nothing gold can stay.

I guess that's why I can't ever be happy. It's not that nothing good ever happens to me, it's that I always lose it, either right away or eventually. Cuddy. Stacy. Wilson. Ketamine. Wilson again. My sanity. Well, at least that one I've got back. For now. And I've got Wilson back. For now. But as they say in _Avenue Q_, everything in life is only for now. Even the good stuff. Especially the good stuff. Stuff like Wilson. And if I ever get Cuddy, stuff like her too.


	49. The Down Low

**Recap:** Wilson tries to ask out his and House's new neighbour, Nora, but she thinks House and Wilson are lovers. House tells Nora they're straight but acts gay on purpose to mess with Wilson and possibly sleep with her. To prevent House sleeping with her, Wilson interrupts one of their "dates" and proposes to House. House doesn't answer, and Nora leaves. House calls her in and tells her what was really going on, causing her to stop thinking they're gay and instead think they're jerks.

The Down Low

Well, it worked. Not the sleeping with Nora thing, that part kind of fell through, but the preventing Wilson from sleeping with her thing. Me sleeping with her would have just been a nice perk. It's been awhile since I've had free sex. And that went up in flames. But no, Wilson, you're not gonna move into a condo with me just to kick me back out again before we're even unpacked. I want you all to myself.

Selfish jerk.

No, I'm not. It's good for him too. Come on, he's happy with me. All right, so he hasn't gotten laid in awhile either, but other than that he's content. We mess around with each other, all good fun. There's someone to talk to, watch TV and drink beer with. He likes me living with him. It's like a sleepover that never ends. Come on, this is what I've wanted for...years. Even before I admitted I was in love with him, I wanted this. The almost-cohabitation. He wants it too. Doesn't he? All right, so he's asked me to leave a couple of times since I've been staying with him and he told me he never intended it to be more than a few weeks, but seriously, why the hell not? He's happier with me than he is when he's married. After like the first year or so. When it stops being all fun and sex and becomes all fighting and cheating. He knows when he gets married it just ends with him being miserable. Why would he want another relationship? He doesn't date casually, it always has to either lead to a relationship or not work out. And with relationships come problems. And problems make people miserable. Come one, Wilson, you don't need that. What do they do for you that I don't, aside from the obvious? And I'd be more than willing to do the obvious if you'd just let me.

He actually played along for once. I was surprised. This wasn't the first time someone thought we were gay. He always freaks out about it like it's the worst possible thing in the world rather than just an honest mistake or impartial observers seeing something he doesn't. Got something to hide there, Jimmy? No, but he actually played along for once. He interrupted my dinner with Nora and confessed his love (not to me, I might add, just to the restaurant), got down on one knee, and asked me to marry him. You know, for pretend. It was kind of a fiasco. Seriously, what did he expect me to do? What did he expect me to say? If I had said yes, well, it would have prevented him from sleeping with Nora, but it would have prevented me from sleeping with her too. And...I don't know what would have happened next. It was fake, it's not like we'd really be engaged. Lady probably would have told us to kiss. Wilson would have gotten tired of the game really fast and gone back to his normal freaking-out-over-the-thought-of-people-thinking-we're-together state. And if I'd said yes, he'd want to analyse why I said yes, and he might draw certain conclusions giving him even more reason to freak out. Saying yes would have been a bad idea.

So what did he expect? Was he trying to call me out? He thought I'd explain to his little audience what was really going on?

There was no reason for me to say no because he wasn't really asking me. He's automatically under the assumption that I don't want to have a romantic relationship and spend the rest of my life with him. Most people propose expecting the person to say yes, and if they don't want to get married they have to say no. But since he doesn't think I actually want to marry him, there was no reason for me to say no. Unspoken. In his mind. After a minute he gave up on waiting for an answer. He thought he knew the answer was no without me saying it. Like I could say no.

I mean, it was fake. He didn't mean it. And he knew that I knew it was fake. There's no reason to answer a rhetorical question. He thought he knew the answer was no without me saying it. But it was fake. There is no answer because there was no question. It was an act. It was him...trying to screw with my plan to sleep with Nora. It wasn't a marriage proposal. It was stupid.

Just us being us. Messing with each other any way we can. And me ensuring he doesn't doesn't replace me with some piece of ass. And him...completely fucking clueless. I mean, it's a good thing he doesn't know. If he knew he'd be out of my life forever. Or even if he didn't just up and leave he'd feel awkward around me and things would never be the same again. Can't cross that line with him.

What might be better would be if he wondered. If it crossed his mind, occasionally, the thought of us together. If he sometimes analysed what I do and say to him the way I analyse everything he says and does to me. If it ever occurred to him that I could be in love with him. He'd figure it out, eventually. At first he'd think it ridiculous, then he'd wonder, and he'd eventually figure it out. And by the time he's figured it out he's more comfortable and less freaked out by the idea because he's spent so much time thinking on it. Then it would be okay.

But no. He doesn't even have a clue about how I feel about him, he doesn't wonder. He thinks that I am one hundred percent straight, that I'd never want to be with any guy let alone him. If he found out, he'd go directly from completely sure I'm not in love with him to completely sure I am in love with him with no time to adjust, to warm up to the idea. So he'd flip a switch. Goodbye friendship, goodbye everything we've worked up to, goodbye us getting closer. No. Nothing will ever happen because he's as much of a metathesiophobic as I am and allowing himself the notion that I could be in love with him would be inviting a change. So...whatever. I'm used to it. We've never had a romantic relationship and I've accepted the fact that we never will. I still want to keep what we have. I'm going to do whatever I can to keep it that way as long as possible.


	50. Private Lives

**A/N: **Sorry I took so many episodes between updates if anyone is still reading this to notice but I couldn't think of enough commentary to write a whole chapter about until now.

**Recap: **Wilson is going speed dating, and he wants House to come with because he thinks House shouldn't be alone. House finds out that Wilson was part of a porn film (though not any sex scenes) in college and gets everyone in the hospital to quote it at him. In his quest to get back at him, Wilson discovers that House is reading a book of sermons because it was written by his biological father and Wilson decides House wants to know if there's another person like him.

Private Lives

He's starting to get bored with me. He's getting antsy. It's been too long since he's had a relationship with someone other than me and he is ready to move on. Speed dating. Is he really that desperate to replace me? Nobody ever meets anyone at those things. You can't just...have a meaningful relationship with a stranger just because you want to. All right, scratch that, actually you can, you just need to stalk them until they agree to be your friend. And you need to pick the right stranger. Someone not boring. You need to pick the right person. People are boring. They get bored with each other unless they have some sort of...compatibility, something that allows them to stand each other. I liked Stacy. I like Cuddy. I like Wilson. I couldn't actually have a relationship with someone like Cameron. You think that if you spend five minutes with twenty strangers you find someone in the mix that can work with you?

I don't believe in soul mates. I don't believe in The One. But you can't just stick two people together and expect them to love each other. It can't be just anybody. Unless you're Wilson. But then it's not a life partner you need, it's a sex partner. Yes, you can stick two people together and expect them to have sex. You can even expect them to have sex multiple times if it's good for both of them. But then it gets complicated and it either works or it doesn't. And it only works if you have the right combination of liking each other and being able to stand each other that you can only have with some people. Especially if you're me. In whose case it only works with...well technically no one because Stacy and I broke up, Cuddy and I _will_ break up if we ever start, and Wilson and I won't start. He can stand me and he likes me, but since we don't have sex it doesn't get to the complicated working or not part.

But if we did have sex, it would work. He had sex with Amber, and that worked. Until...you know. But since Amber was me, and if she hadn't croaked they might have made it, if Wilson and I ever try that means we could make it. The problem is that we're not gonna get to that point. I can flirt with him. I can stalk him. I can pretend that the guy with the antlers is him the whole time. But nothing will ever happen because I'm not gonna tell him and he's not gonna guess and he's either not gonna feel the same or he's not gonna admit that he feels the same.

I know he cares about me, at least when he doesn't have a distraction, but he cares about anything with a pulse. True, he doesn't analyse the motives of anything with a pulse. He doesn't try to get inside the head of anything with a pulse. He is interested in figuring out what makes me tick. We're not so different. He found that book, it was a puzzle he tried to figure out. He cared enough to figure it out. That was nice. He obviously didn't meet anyone fuck worthy at speed dating. I wonder if he was looking for another charity case or another Amber. You know, you've got one right here. I'm just down the hall from you. I may not be as pretty, but I know that's not why you fell in love with her. Come on, Wilson. I'm right here. Why don't you see me?

He doesn't want to.

I'm no stranger to that. It took me years to realise, acknowledge, admit how I really felt about him. It was a long, slow process. But at least I got here eventually.

It probably would have been better if I hadn't. It always hurt when he'd pick someone else instead of me, but now it might be worse, now that I know exactly why it hurts so much. I'll see her, and I won't just be jealous of the time they spend together, I'll be jealous of all she's getting that I'm not. And I won't have the drugs to dull the pain.

I've got to stop thinking about this. Will it happen? Yes. But I don't know when. He didn't meet anyone at speed dating. Right now it's just me. It could be weeks, even months or a year before he finds someone new. All right, maybe not a year. But maybe. It's been a long time already. I should...while I have it, while I have him all to myself...stop moping. Just go out there, tell him to be not afraid and watch TV on our couch. While I still can.


	51. Black Hole

**A/N:** This episode contains what would have been my favorite House/Wilson moment had it not been marred by what happens next. Curse them.

**Recap:** House tells Wilson to furnish their apartment, Wilson has problems committing to buying furniture because House says furniture defines him. Wilson uses a decorator to furnish the condo but he does pick out one thing, an organ.

Black Hole

I've never been happy. Sometimes I'm miserable, sometimes I'm a little better than miserable. The past few months have been...a little better than miserable. Today was...for maybe an hour there, I was happy. I can't describe my life as happy, but that moment, that feeling, that was happy. He loves me. That...is happy.

Why did he do it?

It was another way to evade my assignment. I told him to pick something to define himself instead of being defined by other people. He picked something for me. So there's still nothing that says who he is except that...I'm important to him. Or right now he thinks I'm important to him.

Why'd he do it?

He's a people pleaser. He likes to do what other people want. But he usually excludes me from that rule. Yeah, he buys lunch for me and stuff, but he doesn't do things just to be nice to me.

What if he did something? What if he feels guilty about something and he's trying to make up for it by buying me an expensive present?

Or what if he's not? Don't do that, don't...ruin this. Why can't I just accept the fact that maybe he bought me an organ because he really does care about me and he really does consider me one of the most important things in his life?

It's dangerous. If I allow myself to believe that, I allow myself to hope that he likes the way things are now and he doesn't want them to change. And if I hope, I'll get let down. I can't do that to myself.

Wilson...that moment...when I saw the organ, and we were just looking at each other, smiling at each other. That is the closest we've ever been, more than when I was giving the speech at the conference and more than when I was looking down on him from the observation room before his surgery. Those...we've been having more moments, we've been growing closer, and now we've hit the peak. It doesn't get closer than this without crossing a line which neither of us is going to do. We've reached our limit. We've peaked. From now there's only one way to go.

Unless it's not a mountain, it's a plateau. What if it doesn't have to get worse? What if it can stay this way?

But how long can it last?

He's been doing better. He hasn't tried to kick me out in months. He tried the speed dating thing a couple of weeks ago but nothing became of that and he hasn't gone out with anyone in a while. He furnished the condo, which in itself is a commitment. More furniture suggests permanence. He's not gonna just up and move out if he feels like it. And that organ...he wouldn't get something like that for himself. He doesn't play. That was for me. Which means he's okay with me staying. He's happy, the way we are. Maybe he's actually realising that. Maybe he's not going to try and latch on to something new to get away from me. What if he actually is capable of change?

People don't change. I've always said this. But I have changed. I've been clean for months. My leg still hurts sometimes but I get through it without the extra meds. And I'm still doing therapy. I used to think it was pointless, but I've been doing it, and it's helped. No, I'm not happy, but I'm not miserable either, and that's an improvement. I'm still good at my job and I still like to screw with Wilson and Cuddy whenever I get the chance. Who I am hasn't changed, but my behaviours have.

Maybe Wilson's can too.

I used to...before I admitted I was in love with him I used to fantasise sometimes about us living together, like we are now. Not in a relationship, just living together, and just us. Both single, and happy just like that, just with each other. Dumb, yeah, and now that I know how I feel I wish it could be more but I could settle for just being like this forever, as long as I've got him and I've got him all to myself the context isn't important. I just want to be with him.

God, I sound like a seventeen year old girl. Pathetic. God, if Wilson knew...what he'd say...the look on his face...he'd leave. He'd run away. He'd avoid me and never look at me the same way again. He might even leave like he did after Amber. Leave his job just to get away from me.

I don't want him to leave. I want him to stay here, and with me, and I want him to love me, if not the way I love him then at least enough to do things like buy organs to show me that I fucking mean something to him.

I need it.

Cuddy doesn't love me, and I don't want it to be her anyway. They're the only two I've got. Wilson...let this mean something. Let me mean something. Don't run away. Don't go find someone else. Even if it's not more than we have now, just...pick me. Choose me. Love me.

* * *

**A/N:** Yes, I quoted _Grey's Anatomy_. Sorry, I do love that line.


	52. Lockdown

**Recap: **House's leg is worse. He suggests a terminal patient take numbing drugs because he wants to take numbing drugs. House tells the patient he convinces himself he's better off alone and talks about how Lydia hurt him. An example that he's better off alone. Meanwhile, Thirteen convinces Wilson that he suppresses his life for House, so he decides to call his ex wife and ask her out.

Lockdown

I think I'm scared again. The leg...I know it probably isn't physical. It still hurts, it always hurts, but it's been worse lately. There's no physical reason for it to be worse lately, which means there must be an emotional reason. I'm not hurt, so I must be scared.

Wilson...my relationship with Wilson over the past few months has been better than it's been in years. At least when you're alone, you can't lose anything. Anyone. Now that I have Wilson, I can lose him. Like I lost Lydia. Except that Lydia didn't mean as much to me as Wilson does. And it still hurt when she left. So when Wilson leaves, it's gonna hurt even more. We've peaked, and now things are just gonna go downhill and we're not gonna have what we've been having or anything better. It's gonna go back to the way it was before, not living together, barely ever seeing each other. That's what I'm scared of. And that's why my leg's been worse.

I know that's not necessarily true. Wilson and I have been getting better for months, why would it stop now? Maybe things can stay the same for awhile.

I don't know when he's going to leave, I just know it's going to happen. And I don't want it to. Because I'm an idiot. Because I let myself fall in love with him and get close to him. Even though I knew that when you get close to someone they can hurt you. When you're alone, no one can hurt you.

But it doesn't matter. It's too late. Even if I hadn't started seeing Nolan and he hadn't started convincing me that relationships are good things, I still would have been in love with Wilson. I've always been in love with Wilson, and I always will be. It's too late to change that. I'm not gonna leave him to protect myself the way he did to me after Amber because I can't stay away from him if I can help it. The closer we get, the more time we spend together, the worse it's gonna be when he leaves. Logically I should want to minimise that pain and prevent us from getting closer, spend less time with him. But I can't. There's another way of looking at it. When I am with him, not analysing our relationship but just sitting in the room being with him, life sucks less. Logically I should want to minimise the suckiness of life, so I should spend more time with him and grow closer to him. Even though I know that when it ends it will just be worse for me.

Whatever. I'm going to postpone that time for as long as possible. For now, we still have what we have. Yes, I'm scared of it ending and I know someday it will, but not today and hopefully not tomorrow. So I'll take another ibuprofen and go home and be with Wilson while I can.


	53. Knight Fall

**A/N: **Anyone need more undeniable proof that House is in love with Wilson? The patient's situation is always a reflection on one of the characters' situations. This patient was in love with a girl who was engaged to someone else, and even though she seemed to feel the same way, he kept his feelings to himself because he wanted her to be happy.

**Recap:** Wilson is dating Sam, his first ex wife, who hurt him badly when they first got divorced. House thinks he's making a mistake but Wilson wants him to stay out of it. House threatens Sam, she says she doesn't know where they're going and wants a chance.

Knight Fall

It's finally happened. I've known it was coming for awhile. It's not unexpected. But stopping it in its tracks is going to be harder than I thought. Threatening her didn't work, asking her to leave Wilson for Wilson's sake didn't work. Blackmailing her probably won't work either. She'll know that whatever I would have found out I probably wouldn't tell Wilson. It will hurt him. If I go to him with dirt on her, he'll be more upset with me than with her. They'll just get closer.

Damn. Everything was going fine. All right, not completely fine, but better than before. I didn't actually think it would be different now, but I hoped. I mean, he's never agreed to us living together with any degree of permanence before. When he was staying at my apartment it was always supposed to be temporary, and when I was staying in Amber's apartment we thought it'd be temporary. Well one of us did. But this condo was for us. Hence the second bedroom. And the organ.

Sam is a threat. I don't like it. She's his ex, and even though she said she didn't know where it was going, they used to be married, so it's serious. They already know each other. And they're still deciding to try and be together. I'm sure she's just toying with him, seeing if she can get him to fall for her just so she can hurt him again, but he thinks it's serious. He fucking wants it to work.

I don't understand. Why does he need her? Why aren't I enough for him?

Because I don't have a vagina. Get over it, he doesn't love you. He doesn't want you like that and he never will so just suck it up. He's a guy, he needs sex from somewhere, and he doesn't do hookers. And he's incapable of casual sex. It has to be serious. He has to care. He cares about her.

But she doesn't care about him. She didn't even have the guts to break up with him to his face. He goes to a conference and she mails him some divorce papers. If I hadn't been there to pick up the pieces...

I don't want to go through that again. I don't want to see him like that. Cuddy doesn't either, but she refuses to do anything about it. Of course, last time she advised him against a relationship he fell head over heels in love and spent months crying over her death. So does he still talk to her at night, or is it just Sam? Amber, I've found a living breathing person so I'm just going to forget you ever existed or honey who are you talking to? Just my dead girlfriend go back to sleep.

Better Amber than Sam. Except for the fact that he and Sam will end and he and Amber might not have. Still, at least she was good for him. At least with her I could pretend he really loved me. Sam...they can't be together.

No, not just because I'm looking out for Wilson and I know she'll tear out his heart and put it through a meat grinder. Of course I care about him and don't want him to get hurt, but that's not the only reason I did it. I just don't want to share him. Even if we can't be together the way I want us to, even if he never realises that I'm in love with him or that he's in love with me, I still don't want him with anyone else. I don't want him even thinking about anyone else. Thinking about them together hurts me. But even if we never become lovers, I still want him all to myself. I want to be the one he shares his life with, the one he grows old with. I want to be the reason he wakes up in the morning and the last thing he thinks about at night, even if I can't share his bed.

Why did he assume I did it for him? When do I make any sort of effort at anything that doesn't directly benefit me? Why is he determined to see the best in me even when it doesn't exist? God, I love him. This hurts too much. It fucking sucks. Sam...

Wilson's oblivious, but I wonder if she knows. I mean, I called her my enemy. I told her I'd outlast her. I hope it's true.

Cuddy warned me against forcing Wilson to choose. She thinks he won't choose me.

When it's an evening, he'll choose her. When it's someone to sleep with, he'll choose her. But if he were to get an ultimatum, not from either one of us, but if he had to get one, if he had to choose...

He chose Amber. He didn't care if I died as long as she lived.

All right, that's not fair, he cared, he just valued her life more than mine. He'd rather I died in the process and had been able to save her than living through it and diagnosing her but not being able to do anything about it.

But Sam's not Amber.

Did he love Amber more?

Getting over Sam was hard for him. Yeah, he was young, it was his first serious break up, but it was really serious for him. Maybe not more than Amber's death, maybe not less.

Would he want me to die for Sam?

I wouldn't. I'd die for Amber for Wilson, but not for Sam.

Yes I would. If I really believed that he was completely in love with her and more importantly, if I believed that she was completely in love with him and that they could be happy together, then I'd do it. Not like, if it happened tomorrow. But if I thought their being together would be the best thing for Wilson, then I guess I'd do it.

Nolan wouldn't like that. He thinks my life actually matters compared to Wilson. Or that's what he tells me. I don't know why. No one else thinks it does. Definitely not Wilson, and definitely not me. And who else really matters?

I don't like her. She's manipulative and deceitful. I don't for a minute believe her innocent woman trying to make up for past mistakes act. There's something about her...the way she looks at you. When we had a psychopath for a patient awhile back Thirteen knew there was something off because the patient gave her the creeps. Sam gives me the creeps. I wonder if she's a psychopath. I guess I wouldn't put it past Wilson to fall in love with one and have no idea.

The problem is getting him to realise it. Getting him to see that she's no good for him. That he's not going to be happy with her. Or any happiness he thinks he'll have will be destroyed when she leaves. Getting him to see that dammit I'm the one who loves him most and if he had an ultimatum I should be the one he picks. Even though I never will be.


	54. Open and Shut

**A/N: **This episode also has undeniable proof that House is in love with Wilson. 1. The look on House's face whenever he sees Wilson and Sam together. 2. He asks Wilson out when he and Sam break up. 3. Especially the look on his face at the very end of the episode when he's moving the milk. You know, the heartbroken look.

**Recap:** Wilson and Sam are getting more serious. Sam sometimes does little things that annoy Wilson, and House suggests he tell her instead of silently resenting her. Then he does little things to annoy Wilson, making him think Sam is the one responsible. Wilson follows House's advice, which Sam agrees he should do but they get into a fight and break up anyway. Wilson blames House, House asks him out but he just walks away. Then Sam comes back and gets back together with Wilson.

Open and Shut

I tried. I thought it worked. So she's either changed or she's more manipulative than I thought.

It had to happen this way. Wilson was mad at me but he certainly wasn't heartbroken. If I'd let them go on, and they'd broken up like they did the first time, then he would have been. Now he learned that it's better for him to say something she does bothers him. And she's actually okay with that. Or she's pretending to be.

I hate her. I don't know what she's doing or why she's doing it. I don't believe she's in love with him. When I see them together...I see him liking her, I see him smiling at her, looking at her that way, but I don't see it in her. She's not in love with him. She can't be. She's so cold. The way I look at him is much more...I can't find a synonym that doesn't sound gay...affectionate than the way she looks at him and she's the one who's supposed to be in love with him. I'm the one who's not supposed to let on that I'm in love with him and maybe if he'd been paying any attention to me over the last few days he'd see the way I look at them when they're together. But he hasn't. When she's in the room, she's all he can see. He doesn't even know I'm there. He doesn't look at me, he doesn't see the way I look at him, at them. He has no idea. He doesn't know how much seeing them together hurts me.

But it's not all about me. It's about Wilson. Wilson, for some unexplained reason, wants to be with her. He's re-falling in love with her. When they were temporarily broken up, he said that even if she kept putting the milk in the wrong place and et cetera he'd be happy because he'd be with her. He thinks she makes him happy. Isn't that what matters?

Wasn't he happy with me? He seemed happy with me. I know where the milk goes. We were fine. Why can't we just stay that way?

Was he really not happy with me? Was he just pretending to be happy for my sake? Maybe he really did feel alone but he wouldn't want to tell me because we're practically incapable of a serious conversation. Unless it involves yelling. Why doesn't he just give me a chance? I'm trying to change, you know. Have real relationships instead of just fake ones. But I can't do that if you run away from me.

But it's not about me. It's about him. He can't just put his life on hold while I try and fix mine. He's been letting me stay with him. Before Sam he hadn't dated anyone in awhile. Maybe I'm not what's best for him. I want to think I am because I think he's best for me, but not the other way around. He needs a woman. And I need him.

But his needs come first. I know it and he knows it. It's old news. It's Bonnie and Julie and Amber all over again. I've been through this. I will go through it again in the future. The woman is the one he really he wants, I'm just a substitute for between women. When she comes along, I slowly and surely fade into the background. Me living with him isn't going to change that no matter how much I want it to. And if he remembers I live here, unless they break up again soon he's going to want me gone.

I don't know if it's worse this time or if it's just been so long since the last one I've forgotten how much it hurts. When it was Amber I was still in denial, but I actually got pretty close to admitting it. I knew I wanted him to belong to me, even if I wouldn't admit the context. I wasn't...hurt...the way I am now. I think I was more scared. Because with Amber I thought it might last. With Sam I don't think it will last that long, but I hate that it has to happen at all.

I wasn't this upset about it with Amber. I didn't like Amber, but I approved of her for him. They were good for each other. But Sam...she's not good for him in any way.

And he doesn't realise that. That hurts. Even when it's a terrible idea, he'd rather be with her than me. How has being with me hurt him? Other than Amber getting killed which was partially my fault, how has our relationship caused him pain? Bonnie thought their divorce was partially affected by me, but if their relationship couldn't withstand me then their marriage would never have worked anyway.

But I've never hurt him like Sam has. I'm a break from the rest of his life. He gets frustrated with me sometimes but obviously he likes being with me. We sometimes fight, but never about anything too serious, and especially not since I've got off the Vicodin. We're good together.

Just not good enough for Wilson.


	55. The Choice

**A/N:** Song lyrics in italics don't belong to me, I'm not quite sure who they belong to but they're not mine. And they're out of order...

**Recap:** House gets drunk enough to go into the wrong apartment even though he's not supposed to be drinking at all, Wilson was not pleased about having to interrupt sex with Sam to learn this. House finds out Wilson's bribing his team to go out with House. Wilson tries to say he does it for House but House gets him to admit he's doing it for himself. Cuddy asks him out on her own as friends, he turns her down and drinks alone in his office.

The Choice

I've lost him. It's...beyond help, now. They'll break up on their own, I don't know when, but it's not going to be because of me.

Least Wilson admitted being selfish for once. Had to drag it out of him. Pretends. My best interests. Liar. Just him. Him 'n Sam. He was mad when he opened the door. He was fucking her. He didn't even know I wasn't there. He would have done it with me in the next room. Didn't even care.

He doesn't know. He doesn't know what I would have thought, listening to them. What I'd've had to go through.

What's up with Cuddy? Now all of a sudden she cares. Now that Wilson doesn't anymore. Now you've got my back? Why? She didn't care when I got so high off Vicodin I needed to go to Mayfield. She just went to Chase and Cameron's wedding. I told her I needed help, she dropped me off with Wilson.

Why's she care now? She found out how drunk I got, she was concerned for me. She asked about me. Lucas not all he's cracked up to be? What?

She doesn't want me. She wants someone who can take care of her baby. How'm'I gonna take care of her baby if I'm drunk?

She said she wanted to be friends. Told her no. Friends the last thing I wanna be. That's what I said to her. We could have sex, or we don't. Not in between. Didn't say that part to her, just thought about it. Still... Think it hurt her feelings. Whatever. Shouldn't surprise her. I hurt her feelings before. When we kissed. The real kiss, not the hallucination. After...she doesn't know what she wants. She came to me. I felt her up. She was disappointed. Upset. Feelings were hurt.

She's gotta know what to expect from me. Gonna be me. Gonna be selfish. If something's really serious going on then I'll care. I know the difference. When it's something really big, really important, life or death, I'm there and I care and you'll know I care. It's just the little stuff. I'm not gonna change. I'm an...ass. It's what everyone says. People that don't know me and people that do. Ass. Even tried to break up Sam 'n Wilson. Even...

I stopped doing that. Said I did it for him. Think that's why I did it. Let him bribe my employees, go out with me, he can have the night alone with her. He said it was for him. I said okay. For him. He didn't even notice. Not really. I mean, what do I do for him? Little stuff? I'm annoying. I don't do little stuff for him. I do big stuff for him. Usually it's my fault he needs the big stuff done anyway, but I do it. Not little stuff. I do little stuff for me.

Was this for me? It wasn't fun. When I get drunk it's whatever, but they're not the same as Wilson. It's not even that I'm not in love with them. Wilson's my friend. They're not. There's reasons for that. I like him and I can stand him. It's not the same with them. They're colleagues, not friends. And they work for me, so there's a line there. Not friends. They can be friends with each other, not me. So what did I get out of this? Anything? Not having to hear Wilson making love to the...thing. Oh, they paid for the drinks. Cause I'm not a doctor and buying my own beers really puts a dent in my checking account.

Cuddy wanted to buy me dinner. What did she really want? She could have lied to me about Wilson. Maybe he did pay her off too. She really want me? Maybe she does. She said it was just friends. Maybe she wants it to lead to more.

But she can't. She's my boss. She's involved. She wants me, she should tell me.

But she doesn't know what she wants. Maybe she wants to spend time with me, figure it out.

Cuddy, you've had _years_ to figure it out. We've kissed. I've hallucinated sex. You confessed twenty-five year old love to me and I confessed ongoing love to you. And we're still nothing. Want me or don't want me.

Do I want her? She's looking good right about now. Anything, so I don't have to think about it.

That's what I got out of our little nights out. A little while not having to think about it.

_World, it's his, his and hers alone..._  
_I'd rather live in his world_  
_Than without him in mine_  
_I know he's leaving..._

Yeah, it didn't really work. With Cuddy it might work for awhile. Not thinking about it. The booze doesn't work. Cause what am I doing? Yeah, I'm thinking about it. I'm a fucking mess. It's pathetic. Gotta not do this. Thirteen...she was talking to me about self pity. Yeah.

It's for Wilson. Gotta remember it's for Wilson. He gets to be happy. Yeah, he gets to be happy. It's good for him, right? And if he's happy, I'm...


	56. Baggage

**A/N:** Sorry it's taken so long, school has started and I haven't had time to watch the last two episodes until now.

**Recap:** House is in therapy with Nolan, he got really drunk and got into a fight, but he's not sure why. Wilson had kicked him out, Alvie had invited himself to stay with House, but he left as soon as House fixed his problems with immigration. After House mentions that Cuddy is moving in with Lucas, Nolan decides that's the reason House went looking for a fight. House realises that his being in therapy has resulted in happiness for others around him but not himself and he leaves.

Baggage

I was right. I used to think therapy didn't really do anything. I was right. It didn't do anything for me. People don't change. You know why? Because it doesn't help them. There's no reason for them to change. People are the way they are because it's what they want. The only reason people try to change is to make other people around them happy. But it doesn't make them happy.

I hate that Wilson is with Sam. I don't want them to be together, I want to be the one living with him, not her. But I'm leaving him alone. I stopped interfering in their relationship. When I did, he got upset. And now he's happy. I'm not. I didn't do it for me. I did it for him. I'm trying to not be an ass...for him.

And that book, the one by Cuddy's great-grandfather, if I give that to her, it's not for me. It's for her. It's not gonna help me in any way. I know she wants me, I know a part of her really wants me, but right now she's with Lucas. Lucas is the better choice for her. She and Lucas can last. There's no way I would last with her. No way. She can be happy with him. She can't be happy with me.

What would make me happy?

...

Me before wasn't happy. I wasn't happy on Vicodin, I wasn't happy being an extra huge jerk to everyone. I'm still me but I'm trying to be better. And I want Wilson to be happy and I want Cuddy to be happy because I do actually care about them, but I want me to be happy too. How do I get happy?

Nolan didn't help. He didn't help. He didn't do anything. I'm still off Vicodin, but I was off Vicodin after my first week at Mayfield. I could have left then, I wanted to leave then. The only reason I didn't is because he wouldn't let me. And so yeah, it took the near death of a fellow patient to get me to admit I had a problem, and I did, but did that ever get fixed? I haven't changed a lot, but I've changed. The change just hasn't helped me. At all.

I was less miserable for awhile. Not happy, but less miserable. Before Sam came back into Wilson's life. Things were all right. I wasn't drinking nearly as much as I am now, and even though my leg still hurt because it _always_ hurts, it didn't usually get worse than a five. I have good days and bad days. I had more good days and fewer bad days when it was just me and Wilson in a condo or at a conference or in the hospital. But since that stopped...since Sam...and since he kicked me out. More drinking. More bad days.

The drinking's my fault, sure, but the bad days aren't. I can't control my leg pain. Trying to do that is what got me into this mess. And really the drinking's not much of my fault either. When the pain's worse, I've got to deal with it somehow. If not Vicodin, then alcohol. It's not the same, but it helps.

It's not a coincidence that I started having more bad days after Wilson decided I wasn't enough for him and he needed someone with boobs and a vagina in his life. Because that's when it started. Yeah, it kind of sucked that Cuddy and Lucas were getting more serious, but I put up with it. My leg hurt because it always hurts, but it didn't hurt more than usual. That didn't start happening until Sam. Until I moved down Wilson's list of priorities. So the regular pain...it's pain. It's what happens when you're missing muscles in your leg. But the extra pain...not always, I mean sometimes it just happens, but other times...the extra pain...I know it's not just physical.

I pretend the drinking helps with that too. Maybe it's a cliché, but it's something. Tide me over until I get him back, hope it won't be too long. Hope that they will break up. Maybe in the mean time he won't completely forget about me.

It just sucks that I've got like nothing, now. Just my job and an apartment with a messed up paint job. Not Cuddy, cause she's got Lucas, and not Wilson, cause he's got Sam. And not even Alvie. Not even Alvie.

And not Nolan anymore, either. Obviously he wasn't there the same way the others were because he was a therapist, not a friend. But it's...a support system. I don't have a support system anymore.

Nolan suggested that Wilson and Cuddy must trust that I'm okay to be on my own or he wouldn't have kicked me out. They think I won't go back to Vicodin, they think I'm totally past that.

Well I don't want to go back to Vicodin. I don't.

But what if I need it?

Wilson wanted to help me find a new apartment. Maybe I should have let him. But part of me doesn't want to. Part of me doesn't want to give that up.

I don't need it. The pain sucks but it's _manageable_. I've got ibuprofen, I've got booze, and it hurts but it's not killing me. I don't need it. I may be miserable but taking Vicodin won't make me unmiserable. The only thing it will do at this point is make me sick. I know it won't help. So I don't need it. I'm not going back to that again.

I just wish I didn't have to think about it. And yes, I'm feeling okay now. Tonight I'm going to drink and then I'm going to go to bed and I'm not going to have opiates in my system. I know that. But what about tomorrow? What about the next day? What if it gets bad enough that I can't talk myself down?

There's nobody here. No Alvie, no Cuddy, no Wilson. Just me.

I don't know if he really trusts me or if he's just selfish. I don't think he'd abandon me if he thought I'd go back to drugs but he's very good at deceiving himself when it comes to me. It would not have been hard for him to convince himself that I'll be fine, he's sure I'll be fine, just so he'll be okay to live just him and Sam.

He'll hate both of us if it turns out he's wrong. He'll blame me, he'll be mad at me, but he'll sure as hell blame himself too. Inwardly.

I've got to not let that happen.

...

I've always been alone. There was Stacy, but she left when it mattered most.

I'm used to dealing with things on my own. With a few exceptions, I don't really like being around other people. Or they don't like being around me. Whatever.

So this isn't new. I can handle this. I know that I can't trust anyone else to be there for me, just myself. So I can deal with this. I won't be happy, but I will be okay. I will be the same as I've always been. I'll get up, I'll go to my job, I'll leer at Cuddy, I'll flirt with Wilson while pretending everything's fine between us even though he doesn't know how much I mean it, and then I'll come home and I'll play my piano and drink. Then it starts over again. Not happy. The same. Okay.


	57. Help Me

**A/N:** I think I've accepted this. The episode was a bit painful to watch, but this chapter has left me satisfied. With writing my other story I keep forgetting what's actually canon, but it's okay. No matter what, I believe better Cuddy than Vicodin. And I am going to continue this into season seven, which will take forever to get here but unless something awful happens one day it will.

**Recap: **Cuddy gets engaged to Lucas, has a fight with House about how everyone's moving on except him and he needs to stop making other people's lives miserable. House cuts off a woman's leg, which is the right call, but she dies anyway, so in his frustration he goes home and almost takes Vicodin. Cuddy arrives and admits she loves him after all, even though he's screwed up, so they kiss.

Help Me

Yeah.

...

I can't tell if it's real. I know I'm messed up. I almost took Vicodin. I need a distraction.

I try not to think about the infarction. It happened, it was over ten years ago. I'm constantly in pain, I know. But I try not to think about how it happened. What happened. What choices were made.

Today I had to think about it. Hannah was young. She could have had a life. I didn't want her to make the same mistake I did. Because I don't have a life. I'm not happy. I'm miserable, I'm bitter, I'm an asshole, I treat everyone like crap, I'm constantly in pain and I have no one. Or at least I didn't two hours ago. But moving on.

I think I thought...if I could do for her what wasn't done for me, it would somehow make up for what happened to me. My life is so fucked up, but if hers isn't...then everything will be okay. If it turns out okay for her, then it's okay.

But it didn't. She died. She died and there wasn't anything we could do about it. We did everything right. I did everything right. And she died.

Cuddy...before she came in professing her love for me, she said everyone was moving on. Except me. Maybe I thought that if I could fix Hannah, get her to move on, then I could move on too. But she won't move on. She's dead. There's nothing left for her but a pine box and a hole in the ground.

But now me...I...now Cuddy's here. Now all of a sudden I get to start a relationship and I get to move on.

What the fuck?

No, I was the one who made the wrong choice, I'd rather keep my stupid fucked up leg than have a life with no pain and with people I love and with happiness. It's too late for me. It wasn't too late for her, there was a chance for her to still have those things. And then she died.

So why do I deserve a chance now, a relationship, a chance to move on after ten years of misery? Has it all been leading up to this?

People don't get what they deserve, they get what they get, I know, but why...what?

What is this?

She distracted me, she stopped me from taking the Vicodin, she...she just negated everything I thought I knew about...everything. Relationships, the world, therapy, me, her, other people.

I was doing everything I was supposed to do for a year and still ended up miserable and alone.

I did everything I was supposed to do to help Hannah and she still died.

Doing everything right doesn't mean everything's going to turn out all right.

But now...now all of a sudden...

Nolan said it took time. I waited a year, everyone I love still wants other people. Then I waited another week and now all of a sudden Cuddy does want me after all?

She said she was moving on and that she didn't love me, she was sick of everyone else having to sacrifice their happiness so I won't fall apart. Then three hours later she says she's not moving on because she loves me. What is she going to say tomorrow morning?

She was wrong. I've been good. Fine, when I found out Cuddy and Lucas were dating I tried to break them up. But it didn't work and I stopped. Yes, when Wilson and Sam first started dating I tried to break them up. But it didn't work and I stopped. And since then I've been good. I let Wilson kick me out without a fight, and I gave Cuddy an expensive housewarming gift for her and Lucas. What the hell more can I do? How else can I say, fine, go be with someone else, I'll be fine alone? What more does she want from me?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, she doesn't know what she wants. This is a bad idea. She said she doesn't know if she can work, but she does love me, as fucked up as I am. But there's a difference between loving me and wanting to be with me. And there's a big difference between wanting to be with me and having a successful relationship with me.

She's got to get that I'm not going to change for her. Maybe some little things here and there, maybe I'll try, but in the end I'm going to be me.

Can I make this work? Can she make this work?

...

I don't know.

But I need something.

She told me I had nothing. Like I didn't already know that. I know I've got nothing. It's a mess.

So I need her. If she's willing to try for once, after twenty-five years, then yes, I'll take it. It needs to be her. It's never going to be Wilson, never, so it needs to be her. Cuddy, Wilson, Stacy. The only three people I know that I can really love. Really. Stacy is long gone and Wilson is distracted right now. So if Cuddy's saying yes, Cuddy wants to try, I've got to take it. I don't know how long it will last. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow morning and find that I did take the Vicodin after all and she was just a hallucination. I mean, last time I hallucinated Cuddy sex I also hallucinated not taking Vicodin when I really did. I won't know until tomorrow. But I promise this time I'll check with her first before shouting our relationship to the hospital.

I think it's real.

Know why?

I love Cuddy a lot. I really do. Even in med school I wanted her, I didn't want it to just be sex with her. I mean the sex was fantastic, but I did want more. And working with Cuddy all these years, all that's gone on between us...I love her.

But I still love Wilson more. It took me years to admit it to myself and I'll probably never admit it to anyone else, but I do. I finally acknowledged my feelings for him when I got into Mayfield.

If I took enough Vicodin to hallucinate tonight, I think it would have been Wilson. Coming in to check on me, saying he's left Sam because he knows it's me he really loves.

...

If I were a better person I'd feel guilty about imagining this with Cuddy lying here next to me, but I'm not.

He's taller. He would have been easier to reach. And he's probably a good kisser. Bonnie said he was phenomenal in bed.

Cuddy was pretty awesome. But of course, I already knew that.

I do love her. I know part of me always will. But deep down...I know she's not the one I want most. That will always be Wilson. Even if this...turns into a relationship, he's still got to come first for me. If he lets me. If he doesn't leave me for Sam completely.

It can't be that bad. He's been in relationships before, but we've still been friends...not the same as when he's single, but there's still time. Even with Amber I got Wilson time and he loved her I'm sure more than he loves Sam.

At least I want to think that.

If Cuddy and I are still together when he and Sam break up (if he and Sam break up, but they have to, they have to), I know I've got to be there for him. I've got to. If it causes me and Cuddy to break up, then so be it.

But I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe she'll regret this in the morning, maybe we'll be together for years, I don't know.

I do know (or at least I'm about ninety-five percent sure) that she's here now. And I know that I love her. And I know that I love Wilson. But for now...that's all I know.

And for now...that's okay.


	58. Now What?

**A/N:** 7.1 SPOILERS. Starting with, I know I'm not the only one, but I totally called Chase liking Thirteen.

Now What?

I give it eight months. She's willing to try, though. That's something. She loves me even at my most fucked-up, or at least she thinks she does. That's something. I don't wanna not give this a try. I definitely wanna give this a try. Hell, I hope I'm wrong about the eight months. If Wilson's never gonna love me then I hope I'm so wrong that Cuddy and I spend the rest of our lives together. I'd rather be with her than be alone any day. And except for Wilson and maybe Stacy, I'd rather be with her than anyone else. Being with her is the closest I can realistically come to being happy, so yeah, I'm gonna take it. The sex is...phenomenal, she was willing to ditch work for me, she...she told me she loved me several times.

She really wants this. When I told her it wasn't gonna work, she was upset. She wants it to work. She holds out hope that it will work. Somehow...

Logically, it can't work. We can have fun together, and yes, we love each other. We've always loved each other. But when it comes down to it, we don't really get along. We're fighting more often than not. Fighting, flirting, fighting, flirting. That's how our relationship goes. Now it's just moved up a step. Now it's going to be fighting, sex, fighting, sex. Maybe some more 'I love you's in the middle, and maybe some 'I hate you's thrown in as well. But at some point it's going to...break.

I'd rather it didn't break. I'll try...like I do with Wilson, I'll try not to push it till it breaks. But that doesn't mean it won't. I...there are some things about me that have changed, but who I am hasn't changed.

The thing is, though, she gets that. Or at least she thinks she does. She tells herself she does. She made it clear that she's not expecting me to be the perfect boyfriend. Or at least that what she's telling me, what she's telling herself. Maybe she's just deluding herself into thinking that so she can hold out the hope that we can be together, be happy together. Or maybe it's true, maybe she really does understand what you get when you get Gregory House.

Do I understand what I get when I get Lisa Cuddy?

She's not gonna put me first. I know that. Today she put me before work, but this was just one day. By not agreeing to the vacation, she proved that putting me first is not going to be a constant thing. Her kid comes first, and yeah, that part I get, but mostly the hospital comes first. She whined about needing preparation to drop Rachel off with her mom, but that was just an excuse. She needs to rearrange things with the hospital because she can't just get someone else to do it.

I guess it's fair. I don't think I can put her first. I'm still in love with Wilson more than I ever could be with her. Yeah, the little stuff, I'll let him spend all day outside my door and stay inside and have sex with her, but if it's something big, something serious, I couldn't do it. I don't think I could. And besides, for this one day she did put me first. She ignored work for me so it was only fair that I ignore Wilson for her.

I was good today. After sex I joked that I was thinking about Wilson, but overall...I mean she's fucking hot, when I'm looking at her that way I'm not thinking about Wilson. Yet. I mean, he crossed my mind, but I wasn't like...imagining it was him, the way I do when it's a hooker or when it's just me. Well I don't always imagine it's him, sometimes I imagine it's Cuddy, but even so...I think of him, but I don't focus on him.

I didn't mention him in my list of reasons why it won't work with her. I don't know if he is or not. Being in love with him means I can't fall in love with her the way I should, but that doesn't need to prevent us from having a relationship. She and Lucas made it almost a year before being in love with me became too much for her and she had to break it off. And she knew I was always right here, and that if she ever wanted to start something with me I'd be willing. And she's got no idea about Wilson, Wilson himself has no idea, I'm the only person that knows for sure, though I think Sam might have guessed the truth. But since Wilson...is not interested in me the way I was interested in Cuddy, I'm not going to be driven crazy by the idea that I'm having her when I could be having him, so it shouldn't be a problem. Shouldn't be. Doesn't mean it won't be.

I want to think he'll be jealous. He won't be. But it'd be nice if he was. I'm always jealous. But that's just because I'm in love with him, and I always was even before I admitted it. If he's not in love with me the way I'm in love with him, there's no reason for him to be jealous. And he's not. So he won't be. So that's the end of it.

He didn't believe me.

Well, he believed me last time before he found out it was just a hallucination, so it's understandable that this time that's the conclusion he would draw. But he...he really thought I went back on Vicodin.

Guess I can't blame him for that. I almost did. So him assuming I would isn't that far off the mark.

He cares. I...I told him I was fine, he said he'd give me a day, but then he broke in to make sure I was all right. So he cares. He may not be in love with me, but at least he cares.


	59. Selfish

**A/N:** You ought to already know this by now, but spoilers for 7.02 "Selfish." And this one does start out about Cuddy but I go into Wilson before too long.

Selfish

Great, we've made it three days with only one huge gigantic fight. Actually, the fight was really a good thing. We needed it. Both of us have been idiots. Except the_ really_ idiotic thing is that we knew we were being idiots while being idiots, yet we continued to be idiots.

And this is why it's not going to work. We couldn't keep it up. We were both trying, we were both compromising our judgement to make the other happy. Because we cared more about trying to keep our relationship alive than the well-being of the patient. And I made excuses for that, and I knew I was making excuses for it, but I still did it.

I'm not gonna break up with her over this. And she's not gonna break up with me over this. At least not anytime soon. We'll fall apart eventually, but when it happens it's just gonna happen. We'll both try to avoid it. We _want_ to be together. We want to be happy. We love each other.

It's just not enough.

I know we're not gonna last, but I want us to last as long as we can. And that's why I caved. I don't want us to fight. The less we fight, the longer we stay together and the longer we stay happy. There's nothing wrong with prolonging the inevitable if we enjoy ourselves while prolonging it. When we break up, it's gonna suck, but it's gonna suck whether it happens next week or next year. The only difference is if it happens next week I'll go back to being miserable that much sooner. I'll pass, thanks. I at least want us to make it until Wilson and Sam end it.

Not that...anything will happen. We probably won't even go back to living together. Unless I move in with Cuddy, give up my apartment and then force myself back in with Wilson the way he forced himself in with me after Julie. Those were good times. The only problem is that if he's still with Sam when Cuddy and I break up moving in with him will be that much more difficult. And I think Sam might have guessed how I feel. I was being a little too obvious that night when I threatened her.

Wilson hasn't mentioned her in awhile. Which is good—I hate the bitch's guts and the last thing I want to hear about is how much fun they have skipping through fields of tulips together.

I wonder if he's in love with me.

I hate that about myself—it's the one thing I can't read in other people. I can tell when people are in love with each other and when they're not, but I honestly can't tell when someone's in love with me. Unless, you know, they're hitting on me or telling me they love me. But when Cuddy came to my apartment that night I was shocked. I knew there was an attraction between us, and I knew we liked each other, but I didn't expect her to admit she was in love with me and leave Lucas for me. I had my suspicions, but I didn't know. And I don't know about Wilson either.

Most of the time I think he's not. He's probably straight, and he always puts other people before me. But there are times when I think he might be.

He stole my lunch the other day. I mean, it wasn't even my lunch, but he thought it was my lunch, and that's the point. I've been stealing his lunch for years. It's a way of showing that he belongs to me, of showing possession of him. Or...well...showing that I want him to belong to me, I want to be possessive of him.

But throughout the years of our friendship, he's never once just taken my food. Never. He wants to show that even though I am with someone else, he still wants to be possessive of me, he wants me to belong to him.

Or it's just that this was the only time the meal in front of me has been a salad and it's a coincidence that it happened right after Cuddy and I started dating. Maybe he would have taken food from me years ago if it had been more edible in his eyes or maybe since he thought I was eating a salad under Cuddy's orders he took a bite just to emphasise his point.

It took a lot for him to believe we were together. And he was...shocked. Well, I was shocked, too, to be fair, but at least he had preparation. It's not like she just walked into the office and grabbed my crotch: I told him we were dating, she told him we were dating, and she kissed me. _Then_ she grabbed my crotch and_ then_ came the shocked look.

Which could be for any number of reasons. It doesn't mean he's in love with me. It doesn't mean anything. He said he was happy for me. I have made it clear during every relationship he's had that I prefer him not to be involved with someone. So either he was lying and he's secretly jealous because he's secretly in love with me and he's trying to show me this by stealing lettuce from me or he really is happy for me, he's perfectly content with Sam, and I should just stop trying to dissect Wilson's emotions because I am with Cuddy now and for as long as possible that's how things are going to stay.


	60. Unwritten

**A/N:** Spoilers for 7.03 "Unwritten." You know this already. Let me take this opportunity to say that writing this was incredibly therapeutic for me. Twenty-five minutes ago I was freaking out, hated the episode because I was pissed off with House for not hating Sam anymore when I still want to set her on fire. Now I still hate Sam, but I have rationalised House not hating her and come to terms with this fact.

Unwritten

It's been another week and we're still not broken up yet. I've come up with another problem in our relationship and she's come up with another way to temporarily solve it.

Oh, and we're happy. Did I mention that?

It's...a little unnerving.

I mean, like I was saying to Wilson, we're happy now. We don't know if we'll still be happy in another few months, but for now we're happy. The problem with this happiness is that when it ends, the misery is amplified. Although it is better to be happy and then miserable than just miserable the whole time, so maybe I shouldn't complain.

Know who else is happy?

Wilson.

And Sam.

Interesting how much easier it is not to hate her now that I've got someone of my own.

I'm with Cuddy now.

I don't know how long it will last. But for now, we're together.

I can't have them both.

I can't have him, period.

But that's not her fault.

When he was single, I practically had him, I almost had him, but we never crossed the line.

And even if she hadn't shown up we probably never would have.

He can't.

I don't know what he feels for me. Maybe he is one hundred percent straight and is just biologically incapable of falling in love with me. Maybe some straight guys do just platonically buy incredibly expensive musical instruments for their best friends. But even if he does have some not-so-platonic feelings there, hidden beneath the surface, that's where they're gonna stay.

It's possible that even if he does feel something he hadn't admitted it to himself. I was in love with Wilson for probably years before I acknowledged that I had feelings for him. If it took me that long, he may never get there.

And as much as that sucks...

I've got Cuddy now. And believe it or not, I'm okay with that. Would I rather it be Wilson? Yeah, of course. I love him more. I always will. But that doesn't change the fact that I do love Cuddy and we're actually happy together and good together. While we last. Maybe when we break up I'll hate Sam again, or maybe I'll just hate Wilson for not admitting he loves me, or maybe I'll hate myself for expecting something from him that he can never give me.

I mean, I don't expect anything from him. That's the point. I can't.

And I knew, even then, that it wasn't her fault. She just complicated things. But...I don't know. I made excuses. Maybe she has changed and maybe she hasn't. If she breaks his heart again I'll be pissed off and I'll pick up the pieces and maybe I won't even say I told you so because he'll be hurt enough.

He was happy before her. I know he was, when it was just us. But he's also happy with her. Even if he does love me, he's happy telling himself that he's in love with her, and maybe he is in love with her. Maybe I just wanted him to be happy when it was just us and maybe he really wasn't. Or maybe he was happy, just not as happy as he could be.

Like me right now. I'm happy with Cuddy. I'd also be happy, probably happi_er_, with Wilson. You know, with with Wilson.

However, that probably isn't going to happen.

And it was really nice to blame her, it was easy to blame her, and it felt oh-so-satisfying to blame her, but the fact that Wilson and I are never gonna end up together is not Sam's fault. She...she's just like the rest of us. She's just trying to be happy. And that's another thing she and I have in common—being with Wilson makes her happy. I hope she knows how lucky she is.

But I guess I'm lucky too. For now.


	61. Massage Therapy

Massage Therapy

It's getting dangerous. I hope she realises that the more serious we make it, the more we lose when it ends. Maybe that's why she was hesitant too. It's probably a bad idea. I mean, we were happy. The dating and sex without making it too serious worked. Well, until she got upset with me for using Brandy as a masseuse. I guess if my scenario had been real I would want Wilson to get a new handyman if we ever got together.

We keep getting closer to breaking up, but every time we narrowly avoid that outcome and manage to hold on. So how long can we keep this up? What are we gonna run out of first—problems in our relationship or solutions to the problems in our relationship?

Wilson seemed surprised that we're, in his words "taking it slow." And his tone of voice was...some combination of critical and skeptical. Maybe it's because he himself doesn't understand the concept of a slowly progressing relationship, or maybe it's just because with Stacy it was the opposite. But I already know Cuddy. The sleeping together part is new, but it's not like it's a whole new relationship. So with Stacy, it was really fast, but it also worked. We only broke up because I couldn't handle the decision she made with my leg. If that had never happened, we might still be together. It's not that we didn't ever fight, but when we fought in the beginning it was new and exciting. After five years it was steady, we'd seen that we could get through pretty much everything (except the obvious) together, and we knew we were committed to each other.

But with Cuddy, the fighting isn't new and exciting because we've been fighting since the day she hired me. And even though we've known each other for over half our lifetimes we don't know what our relationship can withstand and what it can't, and we don't know how committed we are to each other because neither of us knows where this is going.

This is why it would work better with Wilson. Wilson and I have already been through thick and thin together and we know we can handle pretty much anything. I'm sure there's a breaking point somewhere, but I haven't found it yet, and I've pushed the envelope pretty far. We'd have the new and exciting, but when we'd fight it would be okay because we both know it would take more to break us than anything we've ever been through before. And we'd be committed, because we'd know that if we ever got together that would be it. I wouldn't want anyone else if I could have him. And if we made it to that point he'd have to feel the same way. It would have to be it.

There's not that certainty with her. No relationship is guaranteed, but this one...isn't even that promising.

We'll keep trying, though. Even if we can't go a week without finding something to fight about, for as long as we can we'll make sure to find a solution to the fight and have hot make-up sex. We have to keep trying. Because now that we've taken another step forward, we lose that much more when it breaks.


	62. Unplanned Parenthood

**A/N:** Loved this episode. So much House/Wilson, even if it was just friendship...

Unplanned Parenthood

Remind me again why I'm dating Cuddy and not Wilson? Oh, right, 'cause he's with Sam. Remind me again why Wilson's dating Sam and not me? Right, the...not liking penises thing. Or the being too scared to admit to liking penises. Or maybe that's just me being hopeful and the man actually is straight.

You know, we actually did have a good time. Except for when we're having sex, being with Wilson is better entertainment than being with Cuddy. He even made babysitting not horrible. Sure, when Cuddy's there I don't have to interact with the kid as much, but at least with Wilson we made it interesting. Okay, the dime thing was bad, it was dangerous, but other than that...I don't know, Wilson's just better company than she is. Cuddy gets mad if I don't watch what I say, which I hate doing, so I can't be...at ease...with her...like I can with Wilson. If it had happened with Cuddy around, and even if it wasn't her kid, if she and I babysitting someone else's kid and it got out of our sight for a few seconds and swallowed a dime she would have freaked out the whole time and took all the fun out of it. All right, that sounds bad, but come on, we're doctors. Rachel's health was never really at risk. Kids swallow stuff they're not supposed to all the time. It's not like we let her into the medicine cabinet, it was just a dime. And solving the problem wasn't a game, it was a challenge, and it was a challenge I enjoyed because Wilson made it interesting. It it had been anyone else the last few days would have been torturous, but because it was Wilson it really wan't so bad.

I mean, me having to check the kid's poop, all right, that sucked, but the rest of it...the parts with Wilson...it made the day more interesting.

And even better news—since Rachel ratted on me I might be off the hook for babysitting from now on since I'm clearly not responsible enough to care for a toddler. And I set bad examples like drinking straight from the juice carton. I'd suck at being a parent.

Maybe that's why Cuddy only wanted to use me as a last resort. Babysitters, friends, relatives, let's ask everyone in the phone book before get to House.

I mean, I never wanted to do it. She knows I never wanted to do it. She knows I don't like kids and the only thing I hate worse than babysitting is clinic duty.

But, despite our conversation last week about letting each other in more, she still doesn't really want me in her daughter's life.

Because she knows, like I know, that it's only gonna be temporary. She wants it to last, and maybe she has more confidence in it than I do, but not enough to really believe in it. Really believe in us.

But hey, we're having fun while we last, right? Well, some fun. Not as much fun as with Wilson. Except for the sex. We're having sex while we last. I'm gonna miss it when we break up.

I don't know why I love her, really. I mean, I do. I just...don't know...why...

She told me when we got together that she's okay with a relationship with me me, not the me she thinks she can make me into. She said she loves me even though I'm screwed up and broken. So there's that to love about her.

But I loved her before she said those things. I've loved her for years.

But...why?

Because she flirts with me? Because she's never had a problem with me ogling her even before we got together?

Why?

Why do I love Lisa Cuddy?

Well, for that matter, why do I love James Wilson?

I like being around him. No matter what I'm doing, I have more fun doing it when he's there. God, that sounds gay. Well, I'm listing reasons why I'm in love with a guy, I guess there's no way for it not to sound gay.

He likes me as I am. I mean, there are times when he has problems with me being me and gets frustrated with it, but for the most part he likes me being me. He doesn't need me to change. He's glad I'm off the Vicodin, and he wants to help me be better, but he's still gonna be there even if I stay an asshole for the rest of my life. I think he'd still be there even if I went back on drugs. Cuddy...probably not.

He knows me and he gets me. He can get me to laugh, he knows how to deal with me without making me hate him...he just knows how I work, he knows what makes me tick. He...all right, he's not perfect, but he's perfect for me.

I did NOT just say that. No, I didn't. Gushy thoughts like that do not enter my head, even when it comes to Wilson. No, that didn't just happen. I am a guy and I don't do sappiness.

I'm in love with Wilson. That's as close as I'll get to a romantic thought.

And now I'm gonna go to Cuddy's place and have sex with her.


	63. Office Politics

**A/N: **It's indecent how much I rejoice in the demise of House and Cuddy's relationship.

Office Politics

Wilson and I can never be in a romantic relationship. And not just because, you know, he's not in love with me.

It's been a long time since I've been in a romantic relationship. Eleven years. And as much as I know I'm going to eventually screw this up, I want to go as long as possible without screwing it up. As such, whenever I think my current course of action might screw it up and I want an alternative, I go to Wilson to get a fresh point of view on my options and their consequences. Ignore the fact that I seek relationship advice from a three-time divorcee. The point is, when I'm not sure what I should do to keep us from exploding, I go to Wilson. Who am I gonna go to when Wilson and I are about to explode? Hey honey, can you stop being my boyfriend for a sec and go back to being my best friend? See, my boyfriend and I are having this fight and I'm not sure what I should do...yeah, obviously it wouldn't work.

Not that it really matters, since we won't even get to that point anyway.

But maybe it wouldn't be that bad. I can talk to him, I can't talk to Cuddy. That's one of the reasons _why_ I'd prefer a relationship with him to one with her. It's one of the reasons why I love him more than her. I'm not as guarded with him.

You know what was cool? He didn't tell me what to do. Kind of refreshing. He said telling the truth would mean a medical sacrifice and lying would mean a personal sacrifice. But he didn't say which one I had to pick.

It wasn't like I decided right away. I thought about it for a long freaking time. But yeah, in the end, I didn't choose Cuddy.

If she finds out, that won't be why she dumps me. Lying to her isn't something I haven't done a thousand times before. Lying about lying to her is just another lie. No, if she dumps me over this it won't be because I betrayed her trust. It will be because I don't really feel guilty about it. I saved a man's life. That guy would have died if I hadn't done what I did. And I'm supposed to feel guilty about that? Cuddy would say yes, I would say no, and that's why we would break up.

...

What if it had been Wilson?

First of all, with Cuddy, every day we spend together is just prolonging the inevitable. With Wilson, if I can overcome the obstacle of no longer having someone to bounce relationship advice ideas off of, we could actually have a shot. So maybe I would sacrifice a patient's life to keep our relationship going.

No. Not maybe. I know I would. Because I've done it before.

After Amber died, when Wilson came back just to leave again, I tried to emotionally blackmail him into staying by not treating my patient. And I told him that my relationship with him meant more to me than the patient's life. Because it does.

So I'll sacrifice a patient for Wilson but not for Cuddy. Interesting.

I mean, it was a little different because Wilson was about to leave and I was willing to do anything possible to prevent that. If Cuddy finds out about what I did, it might result in her leaving, but I don't know that for sure. I was just willing to risk it. I would lie to Wilson to save a patient's life, yes, but if that lie has a chance of ending my relationship with him, then no, I wouldn't.

If Wilson were in Cuddy's shoes, would he dump me for it if he found out? I mean, obviously I don't know whether Cuddy's gonna dump me or not, hopefully she won't even find out about it. But would Wilson?

Wilson wouldn't believe the lie in the first place. And that's not because he doesn't trust me, it's because he knows me.

Cuddy should know better. She told me that there was a time when I would have just lied to her, and she was proud and pleased that I 'didn't' this time. She thinks I've changed. Has she completely forgotten the conversation we had the very first day? I told her I haven't changed and she thinks I have. The prophecy is being fulfilled.

She said she didn't want me to change. Either she didn't mean it or who she thought I was was someone different from who I am.

Wilson knows me better. Another reason why it'd work out better with him. And I wouldn't need to be in that position with him in the first place since he's not my boss. Because, as he pointed out, keeping professional and personal lives separate doesn't really work out. So I guess we're violating that 'love contract' the HR dude made us sign. I hope she doesn't fire me when we break up.


	64. A Pox on our House

**A/N: **Not a huge fan of this episode. Messes with my plans. And Sam with straight hair looks like a slutty teenager except old.

A Pox On Our House

Women. How is it that they can go from one extreme to the other in like a nanosecond? One minute all is forgiven and she loves me and who cares what lies I told her because what matters is that she loves me and wants to be with me. Then as soon as I'm okay she turns into a bitter resentful ice cube. I mean, come on. You're not allowed to take back your forgiveness just because I no longer have an ancient deadly disease.

And Masters. We have to follow protocol, lying is the worst offence in the world. We don't want the patient to die, but it's okay if he does as long as we follow all the rules. But then when it's me dying it's let's send innocent healthy people into a place potentially contaminated with smallpox to investigate the body to make sure it isn't smallpox. We don't have proof but I made an educated guess all by my smart little self and House's life is in danger so let's go behind the angry CDC guy's back and check the body. What, does she have a crush on me or something? Great, another Cameron.

It's a good thing I didn't die. Wilson would've hated me for not telling him. I mean, if it really went that far he would have found out eventually, someone would have ratted to him. And let's face it, it would kind of suck to die...you know...with him...not...well, whatever. I didn't die and I'm not gonna yet and if I'm lucky he won't find out that I could have died because he'd just come storming into my office lecturing me about how I take risks with my life and calling me selfish.

You know...it was part that. Part that I didn't need another lecture, which he wouldn't have hesitated to give me even if I was lying on the bed with pustules coating my body. Part that I wanted to protect him. I wasn't dying yet, and since I didn't die he didn't need to know because knowing would have caused him to worry his brains out. And worrying causes wrinkles. And if he does ever discover he's in love with me and confess said love he'll be all wrinkly and I won't want him anymore. Not really. Why...ruin the day he was having with his adorable little cancer child and his frozen-yogurt girlfriend?

I wonder if he loves her.

She's not really the needy thing that he usually goes for like Bonnie or Julie or Grace, but she's not like me or Amber either. Maybe she was needier the first time around, or maybe he was too young and didn't realise the neediness was his second-best turn-on yet.

What does he see in her?

Really, what does he see in her? She's of boring, average intelligence for a doctor, she's not even that hot, her hair sucks and she has all the warmth of a dry-ice snowman. Seriously, she looks like if I touched her her skin would be cold. She's not funny, she's not really that interesting...maybe she has decent taste in books and she's cool enough to like go-karts, but Wilson doesn't even share those interests. What does he see in her? Is she really that good in bed? Maybe if she gets all hot and bothered the iciness melts a little. Now that's not a pretty picture. Wilson, on the other hand...

Well, Cuddy and I are apparently fighting, so she doesn't have to know if I'm thinking about Wilson and not her in the shower tonight.

Why doesn't she get it? I told her, I'm not gonna change for her. Did she go temporarily deaf or something? What the hell did she expect? I made it very clear—she wants House, she gets House. If she wants a man she can mould into her image of perfection there are plenty of others out there, but she's not touching me. Except for, you know, in my naughty places. If and when she gets over this how-dare-my-boyfriend-do-his-job-and-save-people's-lives phase.

She's not ending it, is she? I don't think so, or she would have done it already. Right now it seems like she's waiting for me to apologise. Right, like that's gonna happen. I'm not sorry. I made the right call. I'd do it all over again. If she has a problem separating me as her employee from me as her boyfriend that's her problem, not mine.

So she can either fold and decide that I'm right or she can just get over it, agree to disagree, and move on to the next thing.

Wilson's on her side. He didn't tell me what to do when I was doing it, but he thinks I should have put her before the patient. I mean I'm not an idiot, I get why they think that, but that doesn't make them any less wrong.

But if it had been Wilson it would be a moot point because I would have made the opposite decision anyway. I'll risk losing Cuddy, not him.

Maybe that's why I haven't told him.

I've been hitting on Cuddy blatantly all these years, I kissed her that one time when she lost her first adopted baby, I told her at the medical conference that I'd been interested in pursuing a relationship with her. But if...and when she rejected my advances, it didn't really matter. I mean, it sucked. It stung when she pulled that little stunt at Thanksgiving last year, but I wasn't really losing anything.

With Wilson I flirt all the time. I make sexual comments all the time, but I let him think I'm being sarcastic or joking or whatever his little determined-to-be-completely-heterosexual brain wants to think. The closest I've come was asking him to dinner last spring when he and Sam broke up for a few hours, and even that could have been taken platonically if he'd wanted it to. I mean, we eat dinner all the time. The way I asked was a little more formal than usual, but he saw what he wanted to see. And I let him because I've never blatantly come out and said I was interested in him romantically and I keep my flirting light enough that he doesn't have to take it seriously.

Because if he were to really realise what I meant by all of it, and reject me, it would suck waaay more than Cuddy rejecting me. The worst-case-scenario would be him not wanting to be my friend anymore, which I'm not sure I could live with. But even if he wouldn't give up the friendship, we couldn't be the same with him knowing I have feelings that he doesn't return.

When Sam first divorced him, he didn't open the papers because as long as the package remained unopened it wasn't necessarily the end of his marriage inside.

As long as I don't come out and tell Wilson how I feel, he's not necessarily rejecting me. As long as the words remain unspoken and I never know how he really feels, I can pretend there's a chance. I can pretend he feels the same. I can pretend that the reason he hasn't said anything to me and pushed me away in favour of Sam was because he's just scared of his own feelings. As long as I don't know for sure how he feels, he can feel whatever I want him to.


	65. Small Sacrifices

**A/N: **LOVED this episode. No need to explain why. :-)

Small Sacrifices

I am fucked, and not in the...well, yes, in the good way, but also in the bad way.

Sam broke up with Wilson. So if he...is...interested...in me...which, well, he probably isn't because if he was then it should have been me he pursued instead of Sam. Unless he just went after her to hide from his feelings, so if they are there he might not be ready to face them yet. But if he does grow up and admit to himself that he cares for me in more than just a platonic way, then now would be the time for that to happen. Quickly, before he finds someone else to make his penis forget about me.

Except that even if he does want something between us, and if he admits that this is the case now while he's alone, he won't say anything while I'm still with Cuddy. I'm with her now—he doesn't want to be a home-wrecker unless it's his own home. He would never try and break us up after I've been trying so long to get with her. He'll just keep quiet until Cuddy and I break up, and only after that happens is there a chance for us. But since I "apologized" to Cuddy, we're good for a little while longer, I don't know when we're going to break up, and it might not be until after Wilson finds another set of breasts to distract himself from his true feelings. If, you know, they exist.

But I can't dump Cuddy now. There's no way. Not only is there only like a fifty percent chance that Wilson feels the same way I do, there's an even smaller chance that he'd actually admit his feelings. So I'd be throwing away six or so months of perfectly good sex on a chance.

Now the only way it's gonna work is if he's still single when Cuddy and I break up and then one of us is brave enough to admit he's in love with the other.

Still, at least it's more likely to work than if Wilson and Sam are married again.

We all dodged a bullet with that one.

...

If I'd known that was gonna happen, I would have waited to fake-apologize to Cuddy. If she hadn't been coming over for sex, Wilson wouldn't have had to leave. 'Cause, come on, by kicking him out so she could come over I got sex out of the deal. He wouldn't have given me sex. And I just _fixed_ things with her, if I'd had to cancel our make-up sex night it would have just screwed them up again.

She's gonna be pissed next time I lie to her. Not sure I can fix it so easily again. I'd better make it a good one. Or just make sure she doesn't find out. I'm on my third strike. First I lied, then I lied about lying. And also I wouldn't apologize, _and_ instead of apologizing I tried to manipulate her. She wasn't too happy about that. So if something like this happens again, I think that'll be it. She'll know I'm lying about being sorry if that's what I try again, and obviously saying sorry is the only way to get her to forgive me for doing the right thing. I tried everything else.

So maybe there's hope. Maybe we'll break up before Wilson gets a new squeeze that's prettier and more socially acceptable than me.

Not that I want us to break up. I mean, I only want us to break up if it means Wilson and I can be together. Because between the two of them, it's him. _Him_ I would risk a patient's life for. But since there's no guarantee that Wilson and I will be together if Cuddy and I break up, I don't want Cuddy and I to break up. While I'm with her, I'm definitely getting sex, I'm getting love, and I'm satisfied. I break up with her, there's a small chance of sex and love and a big chance of misery, combined with frustration with my best friend. Simple calculation. I stay with Cuddy for as long as possible, then after we finish I see if anything can happen with Wilson.

Unless he approaches me while I'm still with her. Then we'll have to see.

But he won't do that because he's nice and he cares about people and he'll probably convince himself that I'm in love with Cuddy not him since I'm with her, so he'll keep his mouth shut. He doesn't want to mess up my relationship. He's not me.

He doesn't know I'd be his in a heartbeat if I could be. He doesn't want to know that. He wants to go on thinking that we're both straight and can just be happy with our girlfriends.

Except that he doesn't have his anymore.

And that screws with things.

So what's your next move, Wilson? Wait for me? Or just keep telling yourself you don't want me?


	66. Larger Than Life

**A/N: **Sometimes I think I'm just living in a fantasy world where House and Wilson are secretly in love and that in canon this will never be possible. Then a moment like "I choose Wilson," comes along and I remember why I'm a Hilson.

Larger Than Life

Well that was an exhausting couple of days. At least I achieved a few things. Cuddy's mom...actually likes me simply because I love her daughter. For all their differences, apparently the two have one thing in common—they're both under the misguided impression that Cuddy and I are actually gonna last. She actually used the words "settle down." Maybe Cuddy's not so foolishly optimistic to think we'll actually get married or something, but she still doesn't believe we're bound to break up at some point.

I wonder if we will ever get to a point where I'll actually think this could work for good. I mean, we still haven't even been together that long. And we still haven't gone that long without having a huge fight. Just because we got over the last one (and the one before that, and the one before that...) doesn't mean another storm isn't coming. She and Wilson might talk again and figure out I blew them both off. Even if they do though, that shouldn't be too serious of a fight. Neither of them seemed to mind when they thought I was choosing the other.

You know, I thought it'd be great, having more Wilson time now that Sam's gone, but really it's just depressing. I mean, how much longer is he gonna keep moping over her? It's not like he hasn't been through this a million times before. Yes, maybe getting a marriage proposal turned down was a first for him, but really it's better this way because he's saving himself all the time, effort, and money that goes into a wedding, a marriage, and a re-divorce. Granted, maybe he's missing out on some sex, but he can get that for free from anyone with a pulse and a pair of eyes if he wanted to. If he didn't spend all his time complaining about how much he misses her and how his plans for romantic vacations are all ruined.

Still jealous. Well, it comes with the territory.

He won't be too upset that I blew him off for a quiet night at home, right? Because unlike Cuddy, he's not in love with me, so it shouldn't really bother him that much. He's still in love with Sam.

Gotta tell myself that. Not only is it most likely true, it makes it easier.

I told Cuddy my chances with sex were better with her than with Wilson. Not that if there was a chance of sex with Wilson, I wouldn't be interested. Fortunately, she didn't pick up on that. He wasn't in the room, but he probably wouldn't have picked up on it either. And if he did he'd just think I was joking. Like he always does. That's what he tells himself.

Can't really blame him for it. I've spent years telling _my_self the same thing.

Doesn't matter. Got Cuddy now. Maybe other than the sex she's not better company than Wilson, but it works. Shockingly I've passed the mom test, so there's another step forward.

Which is a good thing, right? Each step forward makes our chances of breaking up smaller, and that's what I want. Right?

Because when I'm with her, I'm with someone I love and someone who loves me, so I'm not alone.

I've been alone for a long time.

It's better to not be alone.

Especially when the person you get to be with is someone you love. Someone who loves you.

Even if you love someone else more.

But they don't know that.

As long as they don't know that, it's okay. As long as they don't know that, it's better to not be alone.

Taub's marriage is falling apart again, and for real this time. Because his wife is in love with someone else and he knows. So they're breaking up. They still love each other, but they're deciding it's better to be alone than together because they both know she loves someone else. If he didn't know that, they'd still be together and it'd still be okay. She still loves him, she would never have initiated the breakup. Not unless her boyfriend decided to come whisk her away to his land of faithful husbands. Which he's not gonna do.

I still love Cuddy. I'm not gonna initiate the breakup, not unless Wilson comes to whisk me away to his land of macadamia pancakes and unprecedentedly awesome sex. Which he's not gonna do.

So we'll stay together as long as we can. Maybe it actually will be a long time. Maybe I was wrong.

I hope I was wrong.

I'm independent and I like having a few hours every once-in-a-while where I can just sit in a room with just alcohol and mindless TV for company. That doesn't mean I want to be alone.


	67. Carrot or Stick

**A/N: **At the beginning I really wasn't sure what to write about but I ended up really liking where it went.

Carrot or Stick

This relationship is destroying me, and I'm letting it happen.

Cuddy's getting exactly what she wanted, and I'm letting it happen.

Look at me, the supportive boyfriend. Oh no, I'm going beyond supportive. I actually acted like a parent. An obsessive parent.

But I'm not her parent. And if I was, I'd suck at it. Because I did what I did, she didn't get into the school, and if I hadn't done anything she might have. I mean, maybe not, because she's not a very smart kid. A good liar, but not a smart kid.

And I lied to Cuddy about that.

Since when do I do that?

I said Rachel was smart, Cuddy asked if I meant it, and I said yes.

I would not have done that a year ago.

A year ago, we weren't sleeping together. I did what I did to try and keep Cuddy happy because she's my girlfriend. But that's not me.

But by being me, I strain the relationship. So I can be someone else and be in a relationship with a woman I love, or I can be me and be alone.

And Wilson has stopped giving me advice.

This is the only way I can be happy, isn't it? Realistically. I have a girlfriend and she has a kid and spending time with the kid makes the kid happy and my girlfriend happy, and that makes me happy. And spending time with Rachel...it's new to me, but it's not...it sucks less than clinic duty.

Is this gonna be my life then? Being the good boyfriend and god-forbid (figure of speech, I don't mean it literally) father figure of a kid I never had any interest in having?

By doing this, I get Cuddy.

Cuddy. One of the few people I really care about and...could see...spending my life with. Even with the kid.

It's almost like a family.

I never wanted a family.

I wanted me and Stacy, or me and Wilson, or me and Cuddy. There was never a third party there.

But now there is.

It's not like I have anything against kids. It's that I was raised by a father who treated me like crap and didn't act like he loved me even if he did, which I doubt, and a mother who was too afraid to stand up to him. I had a shitty childhood and look how shitty my life turned out. This is a kid's life we're talking about. If the only man in her life totally sucks as a father figure she could turn out just as messed up as me. She'd probably turn out fine if it were just Cuddy raising her. But having me there...I already got her rejected from the preppy preschool and that was with me actually trying to get her in. What happens when I go to a parent-teacher conference and bite the teacher's head off or proofread her essays and convince her to use words like "juxtaposition" that no one should know until they're at least sixteen?

Either way I'd screw it up, either by not trying or by trying too hard. And kids need affection and I'm not an affectionate guy. I don't know what to do when the kid climbs on my lap. What happens when she gets heavier and sitting on my bad leg actually hurts me and I start yelling and scare her? I'm not gonna be the guy who kisses her on the forehead and tells her he loves her. I don't even love her. Yet. Maybe I will. Cuddy didn't even love her right away and she wanted to be a mom the minute it was too late for her biologically.

Could I love Rachel?

It takes a lot for me to love someone. I don't do it lightly. But she's a kid, so it's different.

I've never loved a kid before. I've never wanted a kid. One of the reasons I've never wanted a kid is because I don't know if I could love it. Rachel's _grown_ on me, I'll admit that, but the only feelings have toward her are through Cuddy. I...care...whether Rachel gets into some college-tuition-priced preschool because Cuddy cares. But to love a kid...that means caring for it independent of its parents. If you babysit a kid and you don't really like it or care about it, you take care of it so its parents will pay you at the end of the night. If you babysit a kid and grow to care for it, every once-in-a-while you think about it, wonder how it's doing, what it's learning, what it looks like, if it's happy. You don't get paid for sitting in a room miles away, months after you've last seen the kid, and wondering about it. You just care.

I can't grow to love Rachel. Because if that happens, then when Cuddy and I break up and I won't be able to see her anymore, that will bother me.

I can't care about Rachel, because that's another thing I have to lose. I can't do that. Losing Cuddy will be bad enough, the last thing I need is having something else I care about taken from me.

How do I do it? How do I _not_ grow to care about Rachel? Obviously, by not spending any more time with her. But I can't do that, she's living with the woman I spend a lot of my nights with. And Cuddy _wants_ me to spend time with Rachel. When I got to her house early and offered to go play with her, she was surprised but thrilled. When I came along on the admissions interview...I mean play-date, she was also thrilled. Cuddy _wants_ me to spend time with Rachel.

Well of course she does. She wants me to grow to love Rachel. She wants me to be Rachel's father figure. Hell, she wanted me to be her baby's father, back when she was trying to get pregnant. She was too proud or scared to admit it and she came within inches of asking me even though she backed out at the last second. But she wanted it. But now that that's past happening and Rachel is her kid, she wants me to love Rachel and be Rachel's surrogate father. She wants us to be a family.

A family. It's something I never thought I'd be a part of. It's something I still don't know if I want to be a part of.

It's more to lose when all this ends.


	68. Family Practice

**A/N: **Episode wasn't as scary as the teasers led me to believe, but did not enjoy the lack of Wilson (despite what RSL says) and I really wasn't impressed with what House did to Masters. I thought he's become better than that.

Family Practice

That was a week I'd rather not live through again.

It's over, at least it's over, and I saved her. So Cuddy is not gonna hate me for killing her, she's not gonna break up with me for letting her die. Maybe she'll even postpone breaking up with me longer because I saved her.

Wasn't sure there, for awhile, when she found out I switched her meds. Stupid Masters ratting on me. Cuddy specifically asked that I not tell her because she doesn't want to know. If I cure the patient, the ends can justify the means as long as no one tells her what the means are. But it's a good thing we figured it out before she died, because Cuddy definitely would have blamed me and broken up with me if the antibiotics had killed her before we had a chance to catch it. Of course, she also probably would have blamed me and broken up with me if I hadn't decided to switch the meds and she ended up dying that way.

But it doesn't matter anymore. She didn't die. She's gonna be fine now. Apparently her relationship with her oldest daughter is also improved. And she still doesn't hate me.

The only thing that's weird though...I don't think I really treated her differently from any other patient. Maybe setting Masters up so she couldn't tell, even though it didn't work, maybe I wouldn't have gone that far if it wasn't my girlfriend's mom, but the rest of it...I'd slip drugs to someone else's patient to keep them alive. That's why I'm a doctor, isn't it? Even when I'm off a case, I'm never _really_ off the case until it's either solved or the patient is six feet under. Foreman acted like I was making a big deal because of who the patient was, but I wasn't really. I don't follow the ethics code or the law when it comes to saving a patient. Foreman was whining about having to go to jail...hello: been there, done that. They'll consent to breaking into people's houses, and what we did this time really wasn't that different. We were keeping an eye on her.

I guess, if the situation had called for it, I would have gone even farther. Because she's not just any other patient. She's Cuddy's mom. She's my girlfriend's mom. And if she were to just die, then it's really sad and Cuddy cries on my shoulder and eventually starts to sort of get over it even if the pain never completely goes away. But because I was her _doctor_, then if she dies it's on my shoulders and Cuddy doesn't cry on my shoulder, she blames me even if not to my face then inside, and she dumps me and there goes everything I have. If she dumps me, I'm alone. She doesn't know how far I'll go to prevent that from happening. I'll break every law or ethics code ever written, aside from maybe raping or murdering someone. But I've been alone for the majority of my life, and it sucks. Maybe some people can be happy being single, but those people usually have friends, and I've only got one of them and half the time he's too busy finding a new place to park his car that he doesn't even notice me.

But whatever. I'm over that. I have to be. If he doesn't want me, then she does, it's fine. She gives me everything I need even if she's yelling at me half the time, so what difference does it make if she's not my first choice? It doesn't make a difference. I've got her and as long as I've got her I'll do whatever it takes to keep her. Screw Wilson. I've got to put my energy into Cuddy now. Maybe if Wilson's mother was rushed into the hospital I'd pull out all the stops to save her too, but that's beside the point. Right now Cuddy is what matters. I'm not losing her until she forces me away.


	69. You Must Remember This

**A/N: **Season two: Wilson gets divorced and moves in with House. Season seven: Taub gets divorced and moves in with Foreman. Except this time no one cares. Seriously guys, if you're running out of ideas for subplots, there's plenty of inspiration right here.

You Must Remember This

I am with Cuddy. Wilson is alone. So alone that he needs a stupid cat for company. Because he's not happy being alone. He's a social creature. He needs company, and by company I mean sex, but not just sex, also someone who will share all their problems with him so he can solve them and become their savior.

So we have a problem.

Wilson can't be alone because he can't handle being alone, he'll just become miserable and depressed. I don't want that. He's no fun when he's miserable and depressed. But when Wilson's not alone and he's with someone that he thinks he's in love with, I get jealous and hate her guts and interfere and try to break them up and then he gets mad at me and we get further apart and neither of us are happy.

So we have a problem.

How can we solve this problem? How can Wilson both not be alone and not be with someone I'm jealous of? Hmm...

Yeah, but there are several problems with that solution too. One, I'm with Cuddy. Two, Wilson...might not be as receptive to the idea. Three, I'm with Cuddy. Four, the only way for that to happen is for one of us to say something to the other, which neither of us are going to do. And one of the reasons for that is five, I'm with Cuddy.

And while being with Cuddy may assist in the process of me _accepting_ Wilson in a relationship, it won't make me any happier about it. It won't change anything. For the six hours I thought Sarah was a woman Wilson's currently fucking I interrogated both him and Cuddy, ransacked his car, and broke into his house.

But I also tried to get him laid. Granted, I helped choose the woman, and considering our location I didn't think it would actually turn into a relationship. A one night stand, maybe one or two dates before they realize they have nothing in common, not even a fondness for whipped cream. It's not about the sex. He can have as much sex as he wants. But when you're Wilson, sex isn't usually just sex, it's hugs and I love you's and flowers and chocolates on Valentine's Day.

Wilson bought me breakfast on Valentine's Day once. I don't think it meant anything. It was back in oh-six. Before I admitted I had feelings for him.

...

He says he needs time. Did he really love Sam that much? Really?

Or did he love the idea of being in love with her?

I mean I guess for any other couple in the universe the idea of getting back with your first love is romantic. But romance is not a word I readily associate with Sam Carr. I don't see how any human being who has ever met her possibly could associate romance with her.

But seriously though. Is that what he wanted? Is that why he's upset? Because he now has no one? Would he be the same way if it had been anyone else? If it had been Nora, for example, the chick from downstairs who thought we were gay? And was at least one-fourth right?

When Cuddy and I break up am I gonna be upset about losing the relationship or about losing her?

...

With Stacy it was definitely her, not the relationship. She was...I was in love with her. There are some ways that even Wilson can't compare to her. Granted, there are also ways she can't compare to Wilson.

But Cuddy's not nothing either. I love her. I would never be with her if I didn't. If all I wanted was a relationship I could have had Cameron years ago. But I don't want just a relationship. I want a meaningful relationship. That needs a specific type of person. Wilson can turn any relationship into something he considers meaningful, but I can't do that. Cuddy is one of the few people I can have a meaningful relationship with. When we break up I'll miss the sex and I'll miss the feeling of someone actually caring about me and loving me, but I'll also miss her. We have our ups and downs but she is an important person in my life. Just because she's not the _most_ important person in my life doesn't make her worthless. I'm capable of caring about both her and Wilson.

That's the problem with him. He doesn't do that. I mean, I know when he's involved he still _cares_ about me, but not in the same...it's not the same when he's with someone else. She becomes his everything. I split it up more evenly. Even though I'm with Cuddy I still want to spend time with him. And I still get jealous at the thought of him with someone else.

I know it's not fair. I'm not leaving Cuddy for him because there's a chance, a huge chance, that he doesn't feel the same way and he'd just bolt if I tried and we'd both be alone. But I don't want him to be with anyone else either. I'll let him, eventually, if he's even interested in being with anyone else, but I won't like it.

So why doesn't he want to yet? It's been three months since Sam. If it wasn't really her, but the idea of her, that he's in love with, then why isn't he out chasing new tail?

Don't say it. It's probably not true.

Just because I want him doesn't mean he wants me. Just because I lay in bed at night thinking about him even when Cuddy's next to me doesn't mean he lays in bed at night thinking about me with his stupid cat next to him.

Can I at least list it as a possible reason? He isn't interested in a new relationship because I'm the one he wants and I'm taken? He's in a relationship with a cat so he'll still be single once Cuddy and I break up and then he'll be free to pursue me?

I shouldn't think about that. Because if I let myself think it it'll suck that much worse when Cuddy does break up with me and Wilson really isn't interested.

I miss him. I miss living with him.

Maybe if he is still single when Cuddy and I break up I can try and force myself back into his condo. He moved in with me when he got divorced. I can return the favor.

Does he miss me? Or does he just miss Sam?


	70. Two Stories

**A/N:** I feel like there's a storm coming. Whenever they do one of these weirdly-formatted episodes something big happens next time.

Two Stories

I don't know how many more times I can do this. Every time she finds an excuse to get mad at me, to start a fight, either over something big like lying to her or for something as trivial as using her toothbrush. And every time I need to jump through hoops and find a way to get her to forgive me for it. It's exhausting. But seriously, how many more times can it work? How long before it's too much and there's nothing I can do to get her to un-break-up with me? I feel like I'm running out of options here.

Why did she even forgive me this time?

Seriously, why did she? Because she suddenly believed that I actually care about her? I do care about her. I care about me more, but of course I care about her. That didn't change when I apologized. And telling her I was wrong and she was right? What was she right about? That I'm selfish? Well we already knew that, that wasn't news to me.

I don't think she wanted to break up with me either. I mean, I know she didn't want to break up with me. She loves me and she wants me in her life. Yes, she wants me to be this guy that will take out the garbage or show up for lunch on time instead of making up excuses and other crap like that, but even if I don't she still loves me. She doesn't want to break up with me unless she absolutely has to.

But at least she always has that option. If things, in her eyes, get out of hand, if she gets sick of putting up with me, then she can just break it off. We're not married, there's no paperwork to file, I don't live there yet, there's not a bunch of crap for me to have to move back into my place. At any moment she wants she can just break up for me for any reason or for no reason at all. Relationship-at-will.

I can't do that. I _don't_ have the option to just break up with her whenever I feel like it. She's all I've got. Maybe Wilson hasn't found a new girlfriend yet, but things between us now aren't what they were last year. He's not in my life the same way he was last year. And Wilson'd probably see that as a good thing—I'm not dependent on him anymore. What they don't realize is that the dependence didn't go away, it just shifted from Wilson to Cuddy.

Now she's what makes up my life right now. She's what I need and what I can't live without. Maybe Wilson would be there for me if we really did break up and then I could move back to being dependent on him, but I don't know that for sure. All I know for sure is what I have right now even if it can change at any second. Right now all I have is Cuddy.

I need her.

Without her, I'd be alone and miserable. Just like last year after Wilson left, I was alone and miserable and it led to me coming within inches of going back on drugs. I can't say with certainty that the same thing won't happen again if Cuddy and I break up. And there probably won't be anyone to stop me this time.

I don't want it to have to come to that. And I want to be able to say that that won't happen, that I can function on my own without drugs and without her in my life. It's pathetic that I'm incapable of being alone. It's pathetic that unless I have someone I love close to me I get miserable.

And what really sucks is that I'm not even happy anymore. I'm not miserable now because I do have her still. We're hanging on by a thread that can only break so many more times before I fall, but it hasn't done so yet. So I'm okay. But it's not...good. It's not the way it was in the beginning. It's not new and exciting anymore. I constantly have to be on my guard and make sure I don't screw it up. I need to go through all this stuff to try and get Rachel into one preschool or another to try and make Cuddy happy.

That's what it is. It's me trying to make Cuddy happy and failing. That's what our relationship is.

And she says I don't care about her.

All right, maybe my _reason_ for trying to make Cuddy happy is so that she'll stay with me. But is that...is that really that bad? Yes, it's selfish, but to be selfish is to be human. Everyone cares about themselves. There's no such thing as altruism.

I'm thinking about Wilson now. I do stuff for Wilson sometimes. And sometimes I do stuff for Wilson so that if we're living together he won't kick me out, or so he'll forgive me if we're fighting. When I try to break him up with his girlfriends part of the reason is because I'm jealous he's giving them attention that could otherwise have gone to me and sex he never will give to me. But also...to test her. To make sure who he's dating is right for him. To try and prevent him from making another relationship mistake. And last week I tried to get him laid...partly to get him to stop pining because it was annoying me, but also for him. Sometimes I do stuff for Wilson, just...for Wilson. And maybe I don't do that kinda stuff for Cuddy.

But I would never take out the trash just because Wilson wanted me to and I would totally use his toothbrush. The only difference is he wouldn't break up with me for it. He'd love me anyway. If...he did love me. That way. Which he doesn't. And Cuddy does. As much as she can. Love...me. Inconsiderate, self-centered me.


	71. Recession Proof

**A/N: **Writing these is so therapeutic for me. Even when I'm freaking out hating an episode ending I just sit and write and by the time I've finished I'm okay. And I apologize in advance for the all-over-the-place-ness and the sentences that aren't sentences if it confuses you but I'm trying to be in House's mindset.

Recession Proof

Her lap is soft. She's soft and warm. This is easy. Just laying here, sleeping, well not sleeping yet but almost sleeping...

She's not even mad. She thought I was gonna break up with her and that scared so now I didn't she's not even mad about me missing the whatever-whatsit gala award plaque—no, watch—thingy with people and the Mexican Hat Dance which is a funny song. Like when a teenage girl tells her dad she crashed the car he's not mad 'cause when she says I need to tell you something he thinks she's pregnant but she's not and nothing's as bad as that not even a crashed car so he's not as mad I mean he might be still mad Cuddy still might be mad but not so much anymore. She's letting me be all snuggly and close to her and not kicking me out after hearing me out.

I'm not changing my mind now not when I'm drunk, I need to drink it clears my mind well not really, in some ways it does others it doesn't. It makes me think differently. Better. Different priorities. I might need to drink every night now to come to this conclusion. I need this. God who's not real I know I need it. I can't go back to who I was before I just can't. I'll get mad. I'll change my mind I'll sober up I'll wonder can I not get through this? I can can't I I licked a Vicodin didn't take it I can handle things I can handle life. Not having Cuddy isn't the worst thing but yes it is 'cause she's all I have right now and if not her who else? Wilson? No can't do that. If she makes me happy what'll he make me? I can't. Besides we're good now. I bared my soul to her I was drunk but that the only way to do it. Who would say that kind of stuff sober? Wilson? But he's the exception to the rule he is.

She's soft. And warm. I could lie here all night, maybe I will. Unless she gets annoyed but she can't get annoyed right now she loves me. Loves me. Like I love her I need to. I need it. I can't lose her right now. Or ever. Even for a patient what's a patient? A man I'll never see again. A man whose name I don't remember and never will I solved the case. I did it. Too late but we got the answer if another case comes in with exactly the same symptoms we can save her.

I'm drunk. I feel it swirling in my head and through my veins and god how good it feels to feel this free, like a high only not a high 'cause alcohol's a depressant not a stimulant but it's still good it's nice. And warm. And what I have to do to get to the absolute truth. Being sober hides the truth because you think too much. You argue, rationalize make up excuses even though you know deep down what you need and you hate it but you need it because it's not you but it is. You know deep down it is. Can't spend life the way I've spent it alone alone and drunk and high and high and drunk alone fucked-up. Not having fun not even getting by the dependence takes over your life and you lose what's real and what's not and it's all a blur of images and Wilson Cuddy Vicodin and scotch and pain. Always pain.

It's gone now. Not the pain the pain is always there no matter what and it always will be. No matter what. The blur is gone my sight is clear. Not literally besides my eyes are closed anyway but I want and need is clear. And she's right here. I won't lose her. I'll do what I need to do to keep her, to keep myself seeing straight and seeing the light. I need her. People can say what they can, I need her. Without her I go back to who I was and that's no good. I can't do it I won't do it again I'd rather die than go back to that place full of darkness where nothing makes sense nothing's right nothing's light nothing exists except pain failure loneliness and desperation.

I won't do it again.

In the morning I'll be sober and I'll be mad at myself for all this but then maybe I'll drink again because I need to know what I need. What's most important? Them or me?

There are a thousand nameless faces people die every day. What about what I am? A doctor? A name?

What does it matter god I'm a man and I need people to live. I need someone close who loves me holds me tells me little things. I need someone to come home to with me when I fall asleep. I need it like I need my damn cane without her I know I'll fall. Flat on the ground boom I'm out unable to get up again.

I almost fell last time. I left the cane in Trenton and I started to fall. She caught me. It's a metaphor it would have happened even if I'd brought the thing home but what does it matter now she's here and I'm not letting her go anywhere.

I told myself I knew we'd break up and maybe we will someday but I don't want to face that now reality just go away.

Go away. Gone. Everything's gone except Cuddy and what I'd give for her. For me.

Think I'll go to sleep now. Hangover will kill me in the morning. But I still have that Vicodin I nicked earlier.

Just kidding.


	72. Bombshell

**A/N: **Do not read this before watching the episode. If you do, I'm going to punch you in the face. And I think they hit the nail on the head with the title.

Bombshell

It's over.

It is so over. Last time I made it a week. This time I made it...less than an hour. It's not even worth trying. I know I can't handle it.

Months and months of sobriety all gone. They're gonna be so disappointed. But I don't care. No, I care, but...not enough. I just can't do it anymore. I can't. Without Cuddy, I've got nothing. No, that's not true, I've got drugs. Without Cuddy, all I have is the drugs. Without her they're the only way to numb the pain.

She was doing a good enough job, I could have gone with it. We made it so long. But I was right all along.

Liar! She told me she loved me exactly as I was! She told me she didn't want me to change! And now she dumped me because I'm a fucking addict and she was actually stupid enough to think that would change!

And I was actually stupid enough to believe her!

No.

No, I never actually believed her. I _wanted_ to believe her, god how I wanted to believe her. It was so...well, it wasn't easy, being with her, but it was a hell of a lot easier to tell myself we were good together and we could make it and we could be happy together and I didn't need drugs because I had her. So much easier than having to face the pain.

I can't do it. I can't face pain. I've never been able to face pain. Even when I had the infarction I let them put me into a coma rather than just dealing with it.

God, I should have told her no. If I had just told her no I could have two working legs and no pain, and she probably never even would have left. And there never would have been this drama with Cuddy anyway because I'd still have Stacy.

But it didn't work out that way.

Some people...when they're all fucked up and hating their life...they ask God why He's doing it to them. If He's testing them or punishing them. But I know God's not real. I don't want to deal with the idea that there's someone out there watching me suffer and laughing His big fat ass off. No control over my own actions, just a puppet on a string that you can let fall whenever you want.

I'm not that.

I failed. I failed because I can't handle it, but it was my decision and not some stupid god's.

I'm never gonna be good enough.

I wanted so much to make her happy. She needed me, and I couldn't just be there, so I did the one thing I've been trying for almost two years not to do because I knew it was the only way I would show up. I know it was still wrong, but she doesn't care.

I know she was the one who almost had cancer and not me, but since I love her it affects me what happens to her. It hurts me and it scares me when something bad potentially happens to someone I love. One of the reasons I try to love as little as possible.

It's the best thing to do. Not form attachment. The Jedi knew it. Anakin Skywalker would never have become Darth Vader if he didn't love.

So no more for me. No more depending on people who will just let you down, either by dumping you out on your ass when you need them most, or just by being human and sometimes getting sick and dying. Look how screwed up Wilson was after Amber died, and I still don't thing he's completely fixed from that. I don't know if he ever will be.

I can't do it. I have this insatiable pathetic dependence that there's no way to fill up. Drugs will never give me all I want or all I need, but they're more dependable than people. I know they've still let me down. If they hadn't I never would have gotten off them in the first place. But I'll give them another chance.

Hey, I'm doing what Wilson did with Sam. Maybe it's no less stupid for me, but Wilson and Sam lasted a few 'happy' months, right?

I don't know how long it'll last this time. Maybe I'll start hallucinating tomorrow. Maybe I'm hallucinating right now. Everything looks normal, but most of it looked normal before. It was just Amber that stood out. And she's not here, at least not yet, so that's good. Maybe it'll take awhile for it all to build up in my system again before that happens. Good. Just like my relationship with Cuddy, I want this to last as long as possible. Maybe forever.

My leg feels better too. Still...you know...doing it's thing, but it's like I'm removed from it.

I'm removed from everything.

Maybe it's not what I wanted, but it's what I want now. No one's gonna come rescue me this time. I'm on my own.

Cuddy was right, I think, about me being a child. Children can't function on their own. Neither can I. If it's not drugs it's a mental institution, if it's not a mental institution it's Wilson, if it's not Wilson it's Cuddy, and if it's not Cuddy it's drugs.

Like a little circle. A circle I'm not going around again. Drugs are safer than people. Not because they can't hurt me, but because they solve every problem they create.

Don't see anyone else solving my problems. Not solving my own. I can't. I'm weak like that and I hate myself for it, but I can't change.

People don't change.

Cuddy didn't change. She hated the man I was then and she hates the man I am now. I haven't changed and neither has she, and neither of us ever will. I'm always going to be an addict and she'll never want to love an addict and she'll never love me and it doesn't matter. I may always love her and always love Wilson, and I may hate them but I'll always love these beautiful little white pills. They give me a high like nothing else.

No matter how good I tell myself being in a relationship is, it's not the same as flying. It's good in a different way, like eating pancakes is good in a different way than having sex, but in spite of that...or maybe because of it...it can't compare.

I don't care what anyone says. I tried not being on drugs and it didn't work. I'm always going to be an addict. Whether the substance I'm abusing is Cuddy or Vicodin doesn't matter as much. I'm broken and in order to not be an addict I have to be fixed. In order to be fixed I have to not be an addict. I'm never gonna not be dependent on anything. For a few months it was Wilson. When he left it was Cuddy. Now that she's gone, we're back to square one.

Or...cylinder-ish shape one. And two. Maybe more later if I want them.

Bye, pseudo-sobriety. Hello...


	73. Out of the Chute

**A/N:** Maybe I'm way off, but I think I really got to the core of this episode when writing this, and I like that. I don't think I'd have figured it out if I hadn't written this. That's why I love these, it gets me to really think about what happened in the episodes and the possible meaning behind it, and I learn so much more about House by doing it. Unless, of course, I'm wrong.

Out of the Chute

I know what I'm doing. And I know it's not going to last. I know that, but it's working.

Distraction always works. The first time I tried going off Vicodin for a week I actually broke my hand to distract myself from my leg. And it worked.

Really, everything is just a distraction from something else. Cuddy was a distraction. A distraction I loved, maybe, and still love, but it's because of that love that now I need to be distracted from her in addition to my leg pain.

Cases are good distractions. That's the only reason I went back to work after my release from the loony bin. But they're not enough. And Vicodin's not enough. It's great, and god how I've missed it, but the only way for it to really distract me is to take enough to get high, and that's a bad idea. I'll take it to relieve the pain, but I can't get high because then I'll start hallucinating and my life will crash around me again.

Not that getting pissed drunk and jumping off hotel balconies is really that much safer than ODing on Vicodin. I know I could have missed. But I guess I was willing to take that chance. Being drunk helped. And knowing there are worse things than dying helped.

I mean, it would have _really_ sucked if I'd missed and not died, just gotten hurt even worse than I already am. But it doesn't matter. It felt so good.

Lots of things feel so good.

Massages feel good. Happy endings to massages feel good. Happy endings even without the massages feel good. Yummy food feels good. Freaking out a hotel concierge feels good. Vicodin feels really good. Getting drunk feels good. And falling...falling thirty feet into a pool while college students cheer for you and hand you drinks...knowing you could die but you didn't, you're just flying and free for those eight seconds...god that feels good.

And when things feel good, they distract you from what feels bad.

When things feel good, they distract you from what feels bad.

Things like missing muscle tissue and constant pain and Cuddy dumping you because she thought she could handle it but she was wrong and she can forgive herself for making that mistake. Things like Wilson wanting to move back in with you out of nothing but pity when you don't want his fucking pity you just want him to love you, love you like Cuddy thought she did but she was wrong. And I know he loves me. I know he cares. But it's not...that.

He didn't ask me to move in with him because he wants me to live with him. It's because he thinks I need him. Because he thinks he needs to babysit me. To keep me from doing stupid things like jumping off hotel balconies. He thinks I need a babysitter because he thinks I need to grow up. I saw him walk away. I saw what he was thinking. Grow up.

You know what?

No.

Being grown up sucks. Being grown up means having responsibilities.

Why do any of us ever do it in the first place?

When I was there...flying more than falling...that was just freedom. And all the hookers, the sex, all the screwing around. It's just fun. And I can have it and it feels good and it distracts me so I'm taking it. Wilson can think I'm immature, like that's news to anyone, but it feels good.

Everyone has their burden they have to bear. I've got mine there in my leg, reminding me of itself every waking moment. So why would I want to add to that?

I tried it and it didn't work. Being with Cuddy...it was great in its own way but it was also a lot of work. A lot of responsibility. A lot that I had to do to make it work, to make it not end.

And obviously I failed at that.

It was worth it, though, I guess, while I still had her. Taking care of Rachel and coming home at night and acting like a human being once in a while. Well, acting like an adult. Because I got to have an adult relationship.

Now I no longer have an adult relationship.

So there's no reason to act like an adult.

Children follow their id. They want what they want when they want it and they do everything they can to get it. So...within certain limits, such as not ODing...that's what I've been doing. And I like it. It results in...feeling good.

Which distracts from feeling bad.

Which is so much of an understatement for what I'd be feeling right now without the sex booze and drugs that it's not even funny.

I don't want to think about how low I'd be without all this. So if I can find ways to get high...not high in the stoned sense but high in the having fun and feeling good sense...maybe then I'll be lucky enough to break even.


	74. Fall from Grace

Fall from Grace

This was a stupid idea. I mean, I knew it was a stupid idea from the start. I knew it was fake. I knew it was pointless. I don't even know why I did it.

Yes I do. Distraction.

More distraction.

It's just not working.

It can't last.

I don't know what I want. Nothing ever works out. Not permanently.

There's no such thing as permanence.

Except for the pain.

Why is it that all the good things are temporary and it's just the bad ones that are permanent? Like the pain.

Nothing ever lasts except the pain, it's always there, and nothing, nothing ever makes it go away. And Stacy left me and Cuddy left me and nothing is going to make that go away.

And here I am just wallowing in self-pity. Pathetic. It always comes back to that. I go out and have fun and mess with Cuddy and my team and Wilson and just get married on a whim, throw a party and drink...and it all ends with me alone in pain feeling sorry for myself. Everything always ends with me alone in pain feeling sorry for myself.

Don't tell me I don't have to be alone. What is she? She's not my wife, she's nothing to me. Even if she were right here with me and I could feel her body heat against me it wouldn't mean anything. I'd still be alone.

That's what happens to Wilson, I think, when it gets toward the end. He lays in bed with them, a cold piece of metal on his finger, but he's still alone.

Would it be like that with me? If he were laying in bed next to me would he still feel alone? If it was his body heat close enough to feel would I still be alone?

I want to think no. I want to think it would be better. He's something to me and I'm something to him. Our relationship isn't healthy and it wouldn't be even if it were more than it is now, we'd still be co-dependent, but it's better than being alone.

We are both alone.

He's not going to ask me to move in with him again. He asked once and I didn't agree, because he asked for the wrong reasons.

I could always force myself back in if I wanted to. He'd let me. He wouldn't like it but he'd let me. He'd think he was taking care of me.

He likes taking care of me.

He made Cuddy put her foot down, do that thing that only she can do. Only she can be my boss because only she can draw the line where I need her to draw it. She was neglecting that this week but Wilson made her go back to it.

He's her friend, too. He cares about her, too. He knows that she's hurting, too. But she was the one who dumped me. So he'll give her some attention, a shoulder if she needs it, but he also looks out for me.

It's what he does. It's his job. Look out for people, take care of them, save them. He picked the perfect profession.

He loves everybody. Am I different or special? Or am I just more needy? If I had been the one to break up with Cuddy would he be focusing more of his energy on consoling her than me?

When he came back two-and-a-half years ago...after he left...I was okay if it was just my neediness he came back for. If it's him, it's him, right?

Maybe I should have agreed to move back in with him.

But nothing would have changed. Nothing's ever gonna change. I just got fucking married and still nothing changed. I'm always gonna revert back to alone in my apartment with Vicodin. That was my life for ten years, and old habits die hard.

Nothing is coming and nothing is going to change.


	75. The Dig

**A/N: **They totally fudged the dates with that. But whatever.

The Dig

I'm pathetic. Anniversaries are for sentimental saps. The only reason I would have done something if we'd still been together would have been to make her happy. To maybe surprise her. You know, make her smile and be extra excited about putting out.

But it's just another day. So the earth is in the same spot in its orbit that it was when we first got together. Bfd. And we didn't make it a year.

Why am I upset about it?

Seriously, why do I care? I knew at the beginning that we wouldn't make it. I didn't even expect us to make it as long as we did.

I have to remind myself it's better this way. We had some good times, but there was also a ton of fighting. And a ton of her wanting me to change.

No, I didn't show it, but yeah, it stung when Thirteen said no wonder she dumped me. What place is she in to judge? Just because I didn't show emotion when she was telling me about her brother? Just because I don't show it doesn't mean I don't feel anything. And I did show emotion to Cuddy.

Just...for the most part it's only when I'm drunk or stoned.

I know why I don't do it. Showing emotions shows weakness, which makes me vulnerable, which opens me up to getting hurt. I know. I get it. But I think it's a good enough reason. What do I gain from showing emotion?

It's the same reason I don't form relationships. A lot. Look what happened with Cuddy. It just ended in me getting hurt and being a pathetic loser who not only remembers when our first year anniversary would have been, but also actually gives a crap.

I don't know if it was worth it.

Parts of it were nice, while it lasted. And I miss it. I miss her. I don't just miss the sex, but I miss holding her, I miss her smiling at me, and I miss her telling me she loved me. It wasn't all bad. I liked it while it lasted.

But now I'm hurting over it. Would I be feeling this way if we'd never even gotten together? Or if we'd ended it after the first day, like I tried?

It doesn't really hurt to lose something you never had. And I ended up on Vicodin either way. I guess without her I would have done it sooner. One of these days my liver is gonna give out. Or maybe I'll start hallucinating again. Maybe I'll hallucinate sex with Wilson this time.

That would be nice. While it lasts. Until I realize it's a hallucination. Or...well...I'll probably know from the beginning that it's a hallucination. Still...

I miss Wilson too. Thirteen was commenting on Cuddy leaving me and I couldn't help but think about how it'd be different with Wilson, because for some fucked-up reason he actually loves the guy I am.

Or so I tell myself. Or so he told me. Well he didn't use the word love, but he wouldn't still be here after all these years if he didn't love me. And who doesn't love their best friend? It's automatic. That's why they're your best friend.

Sometimes I wonder if I should have taken him up on his offer to let me move back in. I know why I didn't do it, I was proud and didn't want his pity, but maybe it would have been worth it. Maybe he would have gotten over the pity eventually. Maybe we would have gotten as close as we did last year.

...

Or maybe that's why I said no. Maybe I don't want us to get as close as we did last year because I _can't_ put myself through that again.

It would be the perfect scenario. We're both single (okay, maybe I'm not _technically_ single, but it's an open marriage). We're both sort of in recovery over lost relationships. He could help wean me off the Vicodin, take care of me just like he always takes care of anyone.

And then, right before we get to the next step, boom, he'd be off up someone else's skirt.

The cycle continues.

He'd kick me out for his next squeeze and I'd be back in my apartment with my happy combination of pills and liquor. Just like I am now.

So I'd just be prolonging the inevitable, really, if I moved back in with him. Constantly dancing in circles around each other, never getting too close. Watching the other's every move, and constantly moving. Dancing. Never stopping. Watching. Circling and dancing and watching and never getting too close. Always that safe little distance.

I'm so fucking sick of the dance. I don't want to do it again.

Maybe there would be happy moments, like there were with Cuddy. Sitting on the couch together eating and drinking, laughing at the TV, him too preoccupied to notice me staring or maybe just pretending not to notice. Lying in my bed at night, knowing he's only a room away, touching myself and wondering if he's doing it at the same time. Wondering if he's letting himself think of me just like I'm thinking of him.

Are the good moments worth it? Are they worth the way it fucking _feels_ when they reject you, when they say no, you're not good enough, you're out of my life again?

Goodbye, House.

That's what they say. Goodbye, House.

And I feel it. I feel it here. Thirteen's an idiot. No one needs to know, no one needs to see on my face what I'm feeling. It's none of their business. And it's not like they can do anything about it.

Goodbye, House.

I don't show how I feel, I don't show my emotions, but god knows I have them. And I wish I didn't have them. Because life is so much easier, life would be so much easier if I didn't have them. And it is easier, when I'm flying so high I'm untouchable and the only thing I'm feeling is that leg, that leg that I'm always feeling no matter how many Vicodin I take and how much hard liquor it goes down with.

Ironic, isn't it? The reason I'm prescribed the drugs is for them to take away the physical pain, and once I'm them, on two pills instead of one, my physical pain is all that's left.


	76. Changes

**A/N: **It feels like forever since I've done this. Well it's their fault for making an episode about stupid Masters and then skipping a week.

Changes

Now we're broken up and we finally agree on something. The fact that we're not getting back together. I knew it was a bad idea from the start.

I mean, it wasn't all bad. Some parts were good. And there are times I wish we hadn't broken up at all. But overall, it's done. Even if she were to offer to get back together I'd refuse. At least I hope I'd be strong enough to refuse.

It's not that I really had...expectations...while we were together. I knew we wouldn't last and I knew she was lying when she said she loved me for who I really was. So I didn't expect anything more. But that didn't stop me from wanting it. I mean, I know Wilson and I are never gonna get together in real life but that doesn't stop me from wanting that either. I'm always gonna want it.

He said...earlier...that Cuddy was to blame for expecting me to change...and that I was to blame for being me.

...

He can't really believe that, can he? Not for him. For Cuddy, yeah. If I had really wanted the relationship to work I should have changed for her. If I'd wanted the thing with Arlene to work I should have acted differently.

But not for Wilson. He may not be in love with me but unless I'm as much of an idiot as my patients are then he does love me. He loves me the way I am. Why else would he put up with me for so long?

Cuddy puts up with me because of my super-awesome genius diagnostic powers. But Wilson...Wilson likes having me around.

When there's no one else, that is.

I'm glad he's single again. If he were still with Sam or some other chick then this would suck even worse than it does. At least now I've got his full attention. He can make chicken bets with me and be Cuddy's and my arbitrator and look cute in his frustrated-with-House face.

There are some things that never change, and then there are other things that change, but then always change back. Like my relationship with Wilson.

I am a wooden board and he is a little rubber ball tied to me by an elastic string. Boing! He always comes bouncing back.

Just not as close as I want him to.

And sometimes I think that even that wouldn't last. I mean, more likely him than Cuddy because, like I've said, I'm pretty sure he does love me like I am, but I don't know. Even if we were to start a relationship there's still a chance he'd turn tail and run. Oh, this is Sally, my high school sweetheart and one true love, I've been waiting for her for thirty years and now she's finally come back into my life right when we started...Sorry, House, I just can't pass this up.

Or some excuse like that.

So whatever. I mean, that's the other reason why I can't get back together with Cuddy again even if she'd want to. I don't know if I could lose her again. I went back to Vicodin this time, but next time...it might be worse. I _want_ to think I can handle it, but I also _wanted_ to think I could stay clean.

Yeah, if I'm not even sure I could handle losing Cuddy again, there's no way in hell I could handle losing Wilson if I ever had him.

And I might accidentally tell him.

Lying there in bed, staring at each other like some pathetic romantic comedy. I mean, I love the guy, I'd want it to be real with him, I'd want to let my guard down with him, at least a little. So I might just accidentally whisper, accidentally let it slip.

I'd kill myself if I ever lost you.

Can you say 'emotional blackmail'?

Then we'd lose everything we ever had because he'd only stay with me because he'd think I'd commit suicide if he didn't. And he'd resent me for it. He'd start to hate me for forcing him to stay in a relationship because he couldn't leave me thinking I'd do that if he did.

And I'd know it. I'd know that the only reason he's even with me is because he's rather be stuck in a loveless relationship than go through the guilt of being the reason that I died. And I would hate myself for ruining it and neither of us would be happy.

So it wouldn't work out with him either.

The idiot patient was happy because he was hopeful. And people don't change. Even when it turns out the only person he thought loved him was a selfish asshole he's still _optimistic_ because that's just his unchangeable nature.

I am not hopeful. I know that whatever lies ahead of me is gonna suck. And I'm always right. It always does end up sucking in the end. Maybe it can not suck for awhile, like living with Wilson or dating Cuddy, but in the end...yeah, I was right, it sucks. And it's going to continue to suck.

I'm not hopeful and I'm never going to be hopeful.

So I'm not happy and I'm never going to be happy.


	77. The Fix

**A/N: **Why do they have to be so mean? Why do they always have to take _everything_ away from House? They can never let him have _anything_. Seriously. Name one good thing they've given him that they haven't taken away from him.

The Fix

I was right.

Well, I'm always right, so that shouldn't be any news. But it's still worth mentioning. And I'm not just talking about the patient or the drug or whatever. I was right about my theory about happiness. Happiness is related to hopefulness.

See, this is where Wilson is wrong. He thinks that I think that if I fix my leg, I fix my life. I know that fixing my leg isn't going to fix my life. Fixing my leg won't give me a warm body with fun warm body parts next to me at night. And I'm still going to be cranky, but instead I'm going to have fun being cranky.

Back to my theory that I've proven right. The other day I was miserable because I'd given up on my drug because it's stupid and it doesn't work. Now I know that it _does_ work as long as it has a trigger, I'm happy. Because I'm hopeful. One day and I can already stretch better and walk better. Given even more time, well, I may not even need the cane at all. I might still carry it around so that the next time I use it to throw everything off Wilson's desk we can then use that desk for things more fun than paperwork.

Well, now I'm just getting a little _too _hopeful, aren't I?

...

Maybe I'm already too hopeful.

Nothing good ever happens without something shitty following it. Case in point: the first time I did Cuddy it wasn't even real. I don't think this is a hallucination because when I hallucinate the pain is still there, but with this drug it's actually getting better. But something could still happen. Maybe this will give me hallucinations too. Maybe it'll make my dick fall off.

Or maybe whatever crappy thing is going to happen to me next has nothing to do with the drug. Maybe Wilson will get hitched again. I mean any time I've been around him for any length of time I've lost him, so even though things aren't back to where they could be we're still at a higher point we could easily go down from.

Nothing worse could happen with Cuddy, except maybe her finding an excuse to fire me. But there we go again with every time something good happens something else happens that's shitty. I mean not just that the relationship was always on the rocks, though that kind of sucked too. It ended. And just because I'm not _in love_ with her doesn't mean it was any less sucky for me.

Okay well maybe a little. I wasn't _devastated_, let's put it at that. If I ever had Wilson and then lost him I think I'd be devastated. And I might have to kill myself. At least when I lost Cuddy all I did was relapse on drugs.

But I'm all better now. Well, not _all_ better, but I will be. Because this _will_ work. Maybe it won't fix my whole life, but it'll fix one big sucky part of it. And you know what, even if something else happens that totally sucks, at least there'll be one thing in my life that _doesn't_ suck anymore. And the fewer suckier things in my life, the better off I am. Like when I had Cuddy my leg still hurt, but at least I got a ton of free sex and someone I cared about to hold at night. So I was better...then...than after she dumped me. And now...even though she's gone and she wouldn't come back even if I'd let her...at least I'll have this so things should be a little bit better.

Maybe Wilson and Cuddy and my team think I want to hate my life, but I don't. Really. You know, if I could be happy I would. It's just harder for me. But I do actually _want_ things to work out for me. And if something has potential for working out, then I'm going to hope for it and that's going to make me happier. See, even after I moved in with Wilson, though I was happi_er_ than I'd been in a long time, I wasn't really happ_y_ because I wasn't hopeful that it was going to work out. I knew he was going to find a Sam because he _always_ finds a Sam. So I loved living with him, I loved the attention, I loved knowing he loved me even if it was is and always will be as a friend, but I wasn't stupid enough to let myself hope it would last. Because I knew it wouldn't.

And I was right.

I'm always right, especially when it comes to knowing how much life sucks.

And I think I'd be a hell of a lot happier if, every once in a while, I was _wrong_ about my opinions on how much life sucks.


	78. After Hours

After Hours

Do you know what it's like to always be dependent on something that's only there half the time? If that?

Maybe people think it's stupid that I want to be independent when I so obviously can't be, but I can't depend on anyone or anything else because I can't trust anyone or anything else.

I know there are times when I have to because I don't have a choice, but then it's just the lesser of two evils. I didn't really trust Cuddy not to let them fuck up my leg. She was part of the reason that made it what it is in the first place. But a) I trusted her _more_ than the surgeons who don't give a shit about what happens to me once I get off the operating table and b) by getting her to _believe_ I trusted her it made her more likely to want to live up to my expectations. Probably especially since she hadn't before.

I would have said the same thing to Wilson, but I don't think I would have trusted him either. Not with my leg. He'd be willing to do whatever it took to save my life. He doesn't care about my pride or my dignity. I mean, I get why. He wants what _he _thinks is best for me. But what _he_ thinks is best for me and what _I _think is best for me are two completely different ballparks. Some person who thinks he's smart might say the truth lies in the middle, but since it's _my_ life and not Wilson's or anyone else's, what I think is best for me and what I want automatically vetoes anyone else's vote. Including Wilson's.

Another reason I hate when I have to be dependent on him. The more he ends up being right, the more convinced he's going to get that he's always right when it comes to my well-being. He saw I needed help even though I didn't want it, he went go help me, I wouldn't let him, and I ended up needing him. Now he's just going to do the same thing again and again, so convinced that I'm always gonna need him as a crutch.

Maybe I wouldn't mind it so much if it was a crutch that wasn't sawed halfway through.

Where the hell was he tonight? He was first on my list—this is the one time when I was dying he actually could have been there. He's never there when I'm almost dying. And a lot of times it's because I don't want him there. But I needed him and he wasn't. Granted, there have been plenty of other times when I needed him and he's left his wife to come to pick me up from a bar or a strip club or some other shit, but it's sporadic. He's there when it's convenient for him. And he leaves when it's convenient for him.

I realize that it's not his job to be there for me. No one's forcing him. But when he _is_ there, he acts like it's his job and he should be in charge of every little aspect of my life. What gives him the right to do that when he's gone half the time? What gives him the right to act like I'd better as hell depend on him when I can't possibly because he'd just let me fall?

At least Cuddy doesn't try to micromanage how I live my own life. Don't get me wrong—when we were together everything had to be her way or the highway and the only reason I held on was because I couldn't lose her. Even though I did. But on my own she lets me make my own choices. I asked her if she was gonna grab the Vicodin out of my hand and she gave me the option. Wilson would never have let me. He knows I'm gonna screw up and is terrified of me screwing up so he doesn't want to let me screw up. Cuddy watches me screw up without doing anything about it because she hopes if I live through it I might actually learn something. And clearly they're both wrong.

It could never work with Wilson any more than it did with Cuddy. We would fight just as much. He would drive me insane. And I might just get too mad to put up with it and stomp out the door. Well...limp out the door. I'd come back a few hours later, but still. I get along with him more than Cuddy, but we drive each other crazy plenty. We would fight. It would be a mess.

I can't have Wilson.

Is it easier to face that if I convince myself it would never work out even if I could have him?

Not really.

We would have ups and downs, but the ups would be high and the downs would be quick. Not painless, but quick. And Wilson wouldn't cut me off sex in a fight. He'd want me just as much as I want him. He was totally copping a feel when he helped me to the bathroom today.

Telling myself _that_ doesn't make the truth easier to face either.

Human beings shouldn't be social creatures. Really. We shouldn't. We shouldn't _need_ to depend on other people, because all we do is let each other down. Even when you do the right thing, you're still letting someone down. Even when you're a little kid and you have to be dependent on the adults, they still let you down. And maybe sometimes it's not their fault, sometimes it's circumstances beyond your control, but it doesn't change the fact. If Cuddy hadn't dumped me I'd still hang out with Rachel and teach her all the important things Cuddy doesn't, but the fact is she _did_ dump me and now Rachel's got to learn pirate jargon on her own. You promise your friend you won't let anything happen to them but then someone bigger and stronger beats you up and she ends up back in jail. It's not your fault, but she's still in jail.

You set your phone on vibrate because you don't know your best friend is going to call you in the middle of the night bleeding into his bathtub. Not exactly a crime, is it? But the results are the same.


End file.
